A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure how to handle the situation I'm in.My boyfriend and I are in a LDR and have been together about 2 years. We have plans to be engaged next year and move in together.However, there's something in my heart that I'm not able to let go of. When he first met me, he was staying with a a girl that he'd been together with for 3 years. They'd been through thick and thin, but after he met me, he decided to let her go. I insisted on a platonic friendship and kept reminding him that he has a girlfriend. He told me a lot of lies and stories about how his girlfriend did this and that to him and betrayed him and hooked up with her ex and their relationship was over. It took him a month to settle things and pack his bags and move out of her place. Since then, he was serious about being with me. I can tell that he really likes me and wants to be with me. But I can't get the thoughts of what happened out of my head. I can't forget the lies and stories he told me about his ex, just so I can be with him. I can't get over that's the kind of person he is. What should I do?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 June 2015):
 "So why can't he just re-iterate those and not try to put the blame on her?"
Because it is EASIER to blame her. She can't speak up, she has no voice in this. My guess is... HE doesn't even THINK he did anything wrong. And... let's face it.. it WORKED. You started dating him.
My guess is... the family heard a different version as to why those two broke up, one that didn't paint EITHER of them bad.
And lastly... He is a liar. Everyone lies here and there. Sometimes just to avoid seeming rude, or to avoid conflict, but you BF.. uses lies to TWIST reality to HIS favor. And it DOES speak volumes about his character.
And I really wouldn't be surprised if he did the SAME to you at some point. Meeting a new girl and filling HER head with lies about you, and when he decides she is a "better" choice he will dump you.
The thing is, you can't trust him. OR anything coming out of his mouth.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2015): Because he is a coward?Because he made his nest ready before he flew the previous one?Because his family and friends would never question him and push him (about this) the way you would? Basically they're his family and friends and even if they know the truth (and have also freely shared it with you), there are there to support HIM no matter what,NOT HER.Same treatment would be applied to you. I.e. they might say you're a very sweet girl etc. etc. but they will PROTECT their son's interest first, always and foremost.I disagree with this (and have seen families where it did NOT happen. Rarely though).So basically because he is NOT made to feel guilty (by his family and friends, those whose opinions' really matter to him), that's why he is NOT feeling guilty. He did nothing wrong (in his own eyes). As he has never faced the truth in the face.He sounds like my ex really...Everything was my fault,nothing was his, you see...I do NOT think you'll get him to admit anything. Why would he admit it? Then he would have to feel bad (i.e. guilty) OR if he still doesn't,he will have to FAKE it to please you.You already know he can alter things "a bit", so it wouldn't be a stretch to fake his remorse.I don't know what to tell you,darling- I do think he loves you truly.The only question is-for how long? Is this for life?Because if at any point he falls out of love with you, he would treat you the same way he treated his ex... Altering things "a bit" to suit his needs. Ultimately, that's very selfish. He seems like the kinda person who stops at nothing to reach their goals. In this case, the goal was you,so other things were compromised to get there. When (IF?) the goal (his sight) is ever set elsewhere...when then other things will have to be compromised,no?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Honeypie - It was through conversation with him and his family that they disclosed the type of girl she is. She is very sweet and caring they didn't say anything bad about her. The stories he told me about him and her when we first met, and the stories he tells me now are different. For example he would say that they are in an open relationship and she dates around... he said this to me when he was trying to get me to give him a chance. I was under the impression that it was AT THAT POINT OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP... but it was actually in the beginning of their relationship, before they became exclusive that the both of them were going on dates with other people, In his words, every thing he told me was the truth, just the timing was altered 'a bit'. I never wanted to be a third party in their relationship and always reminded him that he has a girlfriend every time he tried to flirt with me. I often question him how is it that he can tell me his feelings in our native language (his girlfriend does not speak our language), while his girlfriend is right there beside him. I often yell at him to stop it because it's very disrespectful. I find that he told me a lot of stories to keep me there with him while he worked out the logistics of moving out of his girlfriend's place. I know that he was serious about being with me because he did break up with her and started a relationship with me. However, I disagree with the way he handled things. He could've just remained platonic friends with me until he officially broke up with his girlfriend. Or he could simply admit that the way he handled it was incorrect and disrespectful to his girlfriend. But he didn't and still doesn't think he did anything wrong. He would even get mad at me for bringing it up again because it happened 'so long ago'. I know it happened two years ago and I should let it go... but this speaks volumes of who he is as a person and I find it very hard to accept.All I want is for him to own up to what he did and admit it was wrong.. to his girlfriend and to me. I know they are not compatible, I know he doesn't see her as a future wife even though they've been together for three years.. I know mentally he checked out of the relationship long ago. So why can't he just re-iterate those and not try to put the blame on her?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 June 2015):
How do you know he lied about her?
Did he tell you, or did she? Or a third party?
I think the biggest thing here is, that you feel you were at fault in his break up too, because you believed in his lies.
BUT here is the thing, telling a guy I want to only be platonic doesn't work. If a guy has a GF and is hitting on you, no amount of "stories" should make you CROSS that line.
He jumped from HER to you in a month... 1 month. After 3 YEARS with her. So are you now worried that if he gets bored with you he will instantly jump to another girl? Because the likelihood of a GUY like this lining up his next GF before leaving the "old" one is pretty high.
If you feel like you were deceived, why stay with him? Why not move on BEFORE the engagement and moving in together?
And LEARN from this. IF a guy talks a LOT of smack about his ex (GF at the time) it's only a matter of time before YOU could be the next GF he talks smack about. HIS excuse to pursue you WHILE dating her... was... IT WAS ALL HER FAULT she cheated and did many bad things... YET... He did stay with her for 3 years..
HE takes NO responsibility in all of this. I'd say he is NOT a keeper.
But this is YOUR relationship, your choice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your advice!
SVC - Reason is because I'll be moving from West Coast to East Coast. Not really the next city over. I have to coordinate with family, work, and need some savings. He tried coming here to look for a job but outcome was not favorable and for hs family reasons it's best he stay where he is. I understand and am fine with it.
Ciar - It was through conversations with him during the past two years that I found out he told me one thing in the beginning and the truth now. It's conversations with him AND his family. Yes, they argued a lot and were clearly NOT compatible, but it's not in her character to treat him the way he treated her. In contrary, it was her biggest fear to be treated like that as her relationship prior to being with him was like that. She almost got married to a man who was lying and cheating her all along.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (5 June 2015):
 How did you come to learn he had told lies about his ex? Did he come forward with it or did you find out from independent sources or is this still just a suspicion?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 June 2015):
 You know he can lie and cheat. You don't trust him. With good reason.
IF you do not trust him, then you have no relationship.
IF you have been LDR for two years already, at your age what is stopping one of you from moving to be with the other?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2015): "I can't get over that's the kind of person he is.
What should I do?"
Ask yourself if that's the kind of person with whom you want to spend your life.
If he's capable of telling lies and stories about his ex to be with you, then he's capable of telling lies and stories about you to be with the next chick who catches his eye.
What makes you think you're so special that he'd treat you any differently than his ex?
Are your standards really that low and/or are you so desperate for a man that you're willing to settle for a guy with such obvious character flaws?
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