A
male
age
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*ustsit
writes:Hi everyone,I hope you will be able to offer me some advice to stop my marriage sliding towards problems.I am a 51 year old man. Re-married after a divorce and have been happily married for the last 4 years. We have a lovely son together (2yo). She has a 15 yo son who lived with us and we recently had my 22yo daughter move back temporarily. My wife started working self employed and since then I have noticed a palpable difference in her attitude. Almost like the volume has been turned down (thats the best way I can describe it). The WHOLE dynamic has changed and whereas I once felt like a strong figure in the home - one that they could all rely upon and see as supportive. That seems to have changed and I have no idea why. I now 'feel' like a spare part. Like surplus to requirement almost. Its horrible.I cannot speak my mind anymore - particularly where her 15yo son is concerned. He is breathtakingly lazy and will not life a finger to do anything if its not for him. He couldn't even clean his own teeth when me met let alone get washed - I am afraid that side of parenting wasn't and still isn't her finest quality - she seems scared of parenting in favour of being a 'buddy' to her son. VERY different from my style, so far as I am concerned I am here to be a parent not his skate park friend! But I can manage that - with support and currently there is NONE.The whole dynamic of our relationship rests upon her mood and how she is experiencing her day. Its all getting too much now.One final example that may clarify things. We went away for a night to a hotel, just to get away for a break really. A lovely time, was had. We were close, intimate and spent some really nice quality time together. An hour after we got back its like we never went away. The house was a tip so I asked my stepson to help clean up (this is his only 'chore' and it was predictably not done whilst we were away). The next thing I experience is the 'silent treatment' but I have no idea why? So frustrating.My problem is I simply cannot just wave a hand and say 'oh well'. Would be fantastic if I could be that laid back and let it be like water off a ducks back. I have developed a real fear of her mood and how it affects me. I am really at my wits end. We do love each-other dearly and there are no other issues, no infidelity, no money problems and so on. I am 100% confident of that. Its just this inability of me to react in any other way than being anxious all the time. Thanks for taking the time to read this - I really have tried to keep it as short as possible.T...
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 April 2016):
 If she can not compromise with you, then pack your bags and leave for a week, tell her you cannot take it any more that you feel you are making all the effort and she is not. If you leaving doesn't make her see that she is not meeting you in the middle well then she never will and that then will be your decision on what you should do.
A
male
reader, justsit +, writes (20 April 2016):
justsit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have talked before about the need for compromise. I still feel like I am being held to account all the time. Treading on Eggshells...
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (19 April 2016):
I can tell that your wife wants to be a friend to her son and not a parent, which in turn will effect him growing up and learning to become an adult, what is she like with the two year old? Does she help with their learning skills?
I guess sometimes we cannot show an old dog new tricks, and she probably just feels you are nagging when their is nothing wrong. You both do need to talk about meeting in the middle, make some ground rules that you both agree on.
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A
male
reader, justsit +, writes (19 April 2016):
justsit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I should also have added that the main thing that I am finding EXTREMELY difficult to manage is how she has completely refocused from the family (that she clearly now sees as a source of irritation) to her work. She even said to me recently when I pointed out that we hardly ever chat during the day now “…I haven’t got time to gab now…”.
Fact is I don’t recognise this woman anymore. Aggressively independent and filled with a fervor for her new role that’s pushing everyone and everything out.
I don’t like the way its heading or the way its making me feel and think.
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A
male
reader, justsit +, writes (19 April 2016):
justsit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks both for your feedback. Its probably fair to point out that ALL of the disciplining is left to me. She would NEVER confront her son for any reason. It's bizarre in that respect. I have often stood aghast at how much she will do before it becomes apparent that she is doing too much. For instance she will work very hard all day…come home…son will get back from playing football and grunt “what’s for tea” then up she gets into the kitchen to cook a meal for him whilst he lounges about for 20mins before deciding to get out of his muddy football kit. If I suggest that as he smells and needs to get out of his kit and have a shower the atmosphere is palpably tense….can’t win! When we fist met he ate like a pig and would go days without having a wash or cleaning his teeth. Its been a hard slog for him to get to where he is now…I am really tired of it now though. He is for the majority of the time a well mannered young lad…but utterly self obsessed and mercenary!Sometimes it feels like I want to completely disengage…that would be sad and hard!
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (18 April 2016):
I can see where your coming from and maybe where she is .. so let's begin .. teenagers are lazy .. that's not an excuse for your step son and you do have to lay some boundaries and rules that do need to be followed . However if she sees you just nagging at the lad she may feel that your feelings for him have waned since he's got older .. I would suggest setting up some you and boy time .. take him out just you and he .. Make it a boys afternoon .. day .. whatever you feel .. sit her down and say you love ( insert his name) you will spend time with him as you want to get to know him . But he also needs to respect you and his mum and his home .. helping around the house builds character and helps him later in life . But also playing fair does the same .So as mental health nurse that would be my route and see if that helps her moods . If not come back and we can look at other optionsTake care .
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (18 April 2016):
It can be really difficult when it comes to parenting a teenager, especially when he is your wives son and not yours. Yes you are his step dad but is his real father around?
You both sounds like opposites when it comes to parenting, while this is okay it can cause trouble in the marriage. The thing is he is a teenager now and he will learn to press the buttons. He no doubtfully knows what to say to his mum to get away with everything and she agrees to keep the peace, which in turn makes you the bad guy.
You need to sit with your wife and make some house rules, which you both agree on. Who does what for the week and make it fair between you, your wife, your daughter and her son. If the chores are not done well then explain to him that their will be consequences but make sure your wife is fully on board as well.
You really need to sit her down and tell her how much this is effecting you, this can be sorted out with some listening and being honest.
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