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female
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*ingle Bells
writes: I have been married for 16 years. We have always have a fairly turbulent relationship but he love is strong. Three years ago he cheated on me. He doesn't know why he did it but he did it twice.I knew of his adultery when I received a phone call. I answered but received no reply. In the background I could hear music and strange noises. It was my husband having sex. He always claims he doesn't know how the phone call was made. Was it him, her or divine intervention!Three years later after I can't forgive or forget.What should I do?
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reader, ritzy +, writes (28 September 2005):
It comes down to what you're willing to accept as part of your marriage. You cannot commit to him until you've fully commited to yourself. I personally promised myself before I got married that this kind of behavior had no excuss for him (especially twice) and so that infidelity would be my excuss to end my marriage without hesitation. By him saying "I don't know why I did it" should tell you he's weak and trying to get out of dealing with it by using your sympathy. Bottom line if your willing to forgive and forget..so be it. However if the saying "Fool me once shame on you but fool me twice shame on me" applies to you then you'll know exactly what to do. Bottom line he has disregarded his commitment to you an it's eatting you up inside. The trust of your intimacy with even others has now been tainted by this man. Your concience is making you deal with it. So deal with it and move on positively in your own life without him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2005): I am so sorry that others would commit such a cruel act against you. After enduring that incredible pain, I can understand 'why' it's not easy to forgive your husband. Can you live with this memory? Because forgiving, is not forgetting the past but a willingness to put those bad memories to the rear of your head instead of the forefront. It seems you want to rebuild your marriage and keep it strong, so by doing this, fond memories of a once happy marriage will be what you remember and not the difficult times. And this will take incredible strength & perseverence to get there.
But without forgiving, you will not be able to move past the anger, his wrongdoing has produced in you. With enough anger and rage locked inside you, you could cause damage to other relationships in your life, even the relationships with your children (if you have kids) and with other relatives. And this is unfair to yourself and others that love you and that you hold dear. Forgiveness does free you of the bitterness and anger your husband has made you suffer. You don't need to tell him you've forgiven him for his stupidity. Allow this forgiveness to be more beneficial to you. It's essential you know that the your forgiveness is refusing to take any blame or responsibility for what happened. So many women blame themselves..don't do this to yourself. Remember, rather than working at his relationship with you, he made the "choice" to do what he did. It's his cross to bear.
It's not easy to forgive the pain of betrayal, the pain of loss. Yet, without forgiving, you cannot move forward to new fresh beginnings. Without forgiving, you cannot truly mend a broken relationship. Forgiving does not mean you will allow your husband to continue to ever cheat on you, or make your life miserable. It means you look past the act of betrayal and at the person. It means you forgive the personal weakness he was unwilling or unable to control. Forgiving does not mean you will remain in a bad marriage if your spouse cannot change his or her behavior. Forgiving the actions of your husband will help to remove damaging anger and rage from within you. Gift yourself with the power to forgive, dear-it really is a cleansing experience and its allow you the freedom to enhance your life not dwelling on the past..and the bitterness. And if he ever cheats on you again , hun...call a good divorce lawyer! Stay strong, my dear and I wish you well.
Hugs,
Irish
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (28 September 2005):
 Consider seriously to yourself what you really want. You have been married for a long time, do you wish to continue with the relationship despite his adultery? If you do because as you say the love is strong, then you have to find ways of dealing with what he has done.
How the phone call was made is really irrelevant now. I am assuming he is no longer seeing this woman. It could well have been her that deliberately allowed you to hear them but your husband does appear to have mild amnesia over the whole issue of him being unfaithful.
I think, in order for you to go on, you do need to know why he did what he did and he should provide answers. To make a marriage work, you need to know the problems to work through them together.
Perhaps it was a case of a mid-life crisis but who can know unless he tells you? Sit him down and explain to him how you are feeling. Tell him that you know plenty of time has lapsed but that it still plays on your mind. Ask him to help you understand why it happened. Him saying that he doesn't know, it just happened, isn't satisfactory and certainly isn't conducive to building trust.
Of course it will be very hard, if not impossible, for you to forget but you may be able to go some way to forgiving him. You need to open the communication channels in which to achieve this. Honesty will play a large role and then finding ways together to improve your marriage in which to provoke the healing process will come a close second.
I hope this helps.
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