A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My "friend with benefits" recently told me that he had met someone who he thinks he could have a future with and doesn't want to mess it up by fooling around with me. Initially I was happy for him and dropped the "benefits" part of our friendship but as time went on the more I heard about his relationship, the more hostile I became towards him which eventually led to me to stop speaking to him. At the time I thought I was just jealous about his relationship as I am still single (sad- I know) but the other night I was out with a few friends and he walks in with his new girlfriend (first time I had seen her). I tried to avoid them the whole night but as I was making my way to the ladies, I noticed them in the corner kissing. I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach and was actually sick. I immediately left the venue and cried for hours. I don't know why I am reacting this way, I have never wanted to be in a relationship with him. I feel really childish and silly and I'm not sure what to do. I need to get my irrational emotions into check quickly as he and I are going on a pre-arranged trip which he is probably going to bring her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): These are not "irrational emotions". There's this trend lately where everyone thinks it's really cool and progressive and enlightened to have random, emotionless hookups to people and be completely unphased when they end. People aren't like that. You are feeling crap now because you've been hurt! Here you are going along with an arrangement, then this guy turns around and changes the rules with somebody else! Would you have acted differently if you knew he was interested in a long term relationship? Did you lie to yourself that you were comfortable being a friend with benefits? (never understood that). You formed an emotional attachment, and it's now been betrayed. I really feel for you. But people give you what you want. you set the rules. With this guy, in the beginning when you said everything was cool and you didn't need any strings etc. etc., he believed you. Maybe you were just telling him what you thought he wanted to hear. Next time, be sure a no-strings situation is what you REALLY want before you commit (even a FWB is a commitment in a way). If it's not, don't put yourself out there emotionally. Keep your integrity and say what you want.
A
female
reader, sappygirl  +, writes (16 February 2009):
 You probably didn't want a relationship with him because you are commitment phobe, or you just wasn't ready.
But for him to be your FWB, you obviously had to have feelings or a little bit of attraction for him. He might not have all the qualities you were looking for in a boyfriend but having sex with someone is a very intimate experience with someone. Men can do it without feeling anything to them. They have that ability. As hard as us women try, we will develop feelings and care for them.
the reason you are hurting, is in one way or another,
he is rejecting you. He hurt your ego and you are wondering why you weren't "good enough" to be his girl.
Even if you didn't want him, you ego wanted him to fall for you..and miss you. You basically used each other and when he didn't need you anymore, then you felt used. You were replaced. And no matter how you fight it. IT HURTS!
I think the best thing now is just to move on. Think of it like an ex boyfriend. You have to just say goodbye because being friends would hurt. Let yourself heal and when you are completely over it, then may you guys could be friends. As for the trip, I would either cancel it or if you can't then really put your game face on when you see them. Just be cool, normal...even if your dying inside.
try to have a good time on the trip doing your best to avoid and ignore them without them know it. good luck.
..i guess this is why FWB never works. someone is always hurt.
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