A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I did not tell my husband that I was pregnant and I had an abortion behind his back. I am now very scared to tell him. I think he will divorce me and I am very worried. Does anybody has advice on how I can save my marriage. It was partly a health decision because my health is not good but still I have lied to him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2020): There isn't much we can offer in advice when you've lied to your husband; and aborted his child behind his back. If it was truly a health issue, why wouldn't you trust him to understand? If it was matter of your health, why do it behind his back?
If you haven't been honest with him, perhaps you're not being totally honest with us either.
You've lied to him, which leaves it questionable whether you really did it for health reasons? Why would he stop you if that was the case? To make a decision of that magnitude without informing him means the marriage is in trouble all the way around.
You should seek professional counseling; and disclose the truth with a mediator in the room. You can't live-down this kind of thing without it always eating at you. It already has you paranoid. If your health is a bad as you've indicated; the stress from this will only make your health even worse.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (28 April 2020):
 I don't understand, what were the problems already existing in your marriage that you are not able to discuss your health issues with your husband … and surely, if the decision was based on those underlying health issues the abortion would have been recommended by your doctor?
Partners in a marriage are usually aware of the health issues of the other partner.
For your husband to be unaware of your health issues which would preclude him knowing of your health decisions there must be other problems within the marriage. I strongly suggest counselling with a qualified counsellor either on your own or as a couple so that you can work on those issues.
Good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2020): Oh girl just leave him.You are gonna make your self sick walking on eggshells about this....not worth it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2020): My father left my mother because of exactly this. I don't know if that information helps you, but it does show your worry is not irrational.
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male
reader, kenny  +, writes (27 April 2020):
 In a relationship trust is one of the largest contributing factors that bind a relationship together, if there is no trust a relationship is doomed to fail.
If you had of been open an honest in the beginning things would have been a whole lot easier for you both. Yes he would have been upset but you would have got through it together.
He is your husband, why were you scared to tell him?.
I think your only option is to tell him and let the chips fall where they may.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (27 April 2020):
 I honestly am not sure how to advise in this situation. I normally feel people should be honest with each other because secrets and lies have a way of creeping into a relationship like a slow poison and over time destroying what may have once been a strong foundation.
You made a decision without telling your husband and there really are only 2 choices. 1. You never tell him and take it to the grave. You will probably always be consumed with worry and guilty but that's something you will have to live with. If you are sure he will never find out, then perhaps that is the best course of action. Then of course choice #2 is to tell him. You say he might divorce you. You must have your reasons for feeling that way but you don't explain what they are. Has he expressed he is against abortion? Does he know of your health condition? You know your husband far better than any of us. You don't think he would forgive you?
I can't imagine trying to keep something like this a secret from my husband but then again I know him well enough to know that I could talk to him and in the end, he would tell me that I had to make what decision I needed to make.
I don't need to add this because its hurtful to bring up but I have had an abortion many years ago when I was married to someone else. We already had 2 children and my then husband said there was no way we could afford a 3rd. We had been careful and using protection so the pregnancy was very much unexpected. I was very much against abortion but let my then husband talk me into having one. Very early only 6 weeks but still...I took a life. I still mourn the loss and its been almost 30 years ago. I never truly did forgive my husband for it and every year around what would have been the birthday, I think of the child I never had. Abortion is a very sad experience to go through no matter what the reason. Are you sure your husband wouldn't understand?
I feel for you OP. Sometimes we make decisions that we feel are right at the time but then later on have to deal with the regrets, the sadness. I hope you will find a way to cope with all of this. It can't be easy hiding something like this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2020): So, you were pregnant with your husband's child, and aborted it without discussing it with him?
That is just a really terrible and dishonest thing to do. This isn't some random guy or a one night stand who fathered your child, this was YOUR HUSBAND, you swore to be honest and trust each other...be life partners...a MAJOR life decision like this SHOULD have been discussed with him. Yes, as a woman you have the final say, but really, do you not give your husband even a chance to talk this out with you?
If you had legitimate health concerns then, again, that COULD have been discussed.
I understand why guilt is getting to you and you feel you need to tell him. I do think you should tell him, but be prepared for him to think that this baby was actually fathered through an affair (because I would wonder that if I was a husband and my wife hid an abortion from me). You should explain your reasons for doing what you did, and your reasons for hiding it. Express how sorry you are (if you are), and that you realize it was so wrong to make a major life choice behind his back.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (27 April 2020):
 Trust is the "stuff" that relationships are made up of. How did you get to the altar with a man you can't trust?
My only advice to you at this point is to be totally truthful with him. Trust is made up of promises made and kept. If you want to build trust you need to make and keep promises. If you want to trust him, and you desperately need to, Then he has to make and keep promises.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2020): It was partly a health decision? Sure whatever. But Why stop lying now? Seriously, there are some things you need to take to your grave this is one of them. Unless you think someone is going to out you there is never any reason for your husband to know.
It’s a crap way to go but you started down the road don’t do a u-turn.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 April 2020):
 If I’m honest, and I very rarely say this, it may be best not to tell him.
An abortion is before the foetus is a human baby, so it’s not like you got rid of a baby that you already had. However, if your husband/culture believes in that over the science, then it’s safer that you keep it quiet.
If you know he is a kind and loving man who would be more disappointed you went through it alone than the fact you had one, I’d sit him down and explain.
It really depends what kind of marriage you have. Why did you have it done without letting him know at the time? You don’t need his permission, but it’s usually something you discuss with your partner or your closest loved one.
Does he know about the health issues? Are you using contraception? Do you have any children? Do you want a baby? Does he want a baby?There’s not a lot of advice we can give without knowing more.
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