A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My story is as old as world. Here it goes: I am in my 40s, moderately comfortable financially , love to travel . One day decided to go to Africa and met a guy. My age, divorced , bringing up his small son. And taking care of couple relatives. Of course we are in two different ships financially but I started having lots of good times with him . In bed incredible. I am not in love but when I go there I have the time of my life . Slowly but surely I started to spend more and more money on this guy and his family . I pay for his kid private school which is not that much and made quite a bit of improvement to his house . I don't even know how that happened but for the past year not only I spend 10% of my income on helping him and his family but also I started feeling incredible pressure and stress from.ths situation and frankly uneasiness of being responsible for so many people. He does have an occasional work here and there but when things happen he runs to me. Due to some of the circumstances in my life for past year and a half I spent with him 2.5 months only. Before I would go there every 3 months and stayed for couple months each visit . But now it's not happening and the most I will see him is 2 months a year . But the rest of the year I am helping him financially. 10% is quite a bit of money to spend on this kind of relationship . I never wanted it to become so deep with so much involvment and honestly it started to burden me . I really don't want to continue such intense help but I don't know how to ease it . I would still pay for the school..I just don't think that I should be to go to person every time there is a need. Thoughts?.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2020): This is OP.
Wise owl, my story doesn' match your information . Though I agree with you that many times this is exactly how it happens: overweight older women who have no chance of getting a man in western countries where slimness and youth is valued mostly do come to Africa for sex tourism and they get a young much much younger guy.
In my case I had absolutely no idea that this is what white men and women do. That was my first time in Africa. It's not Nigeria.
In my story we are the same age. I am a pretty woman in good shape and never had or have any problems getting a man. Lately young men are interested more than older .
To answer your question I met him on a safari trip, he was my guide.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2020): [EDIT]:
Typo corrections:
"They're frustrated, because they've been unsuccessful in getting a man the usual way; and think getting a guy who's desperately-broke and down on his luck, gives them power to choose someone good-looking."
They used to call it "mail-order" brides. Mainly to get women who were subservient; and could be abused without much protection from men who basically treated them like slaves. It was another name for human-trafficking. Now, we board a ship or a plane, and we go to them.
Men used to import (often under-aged females) from Asia and Europe; like they were ordering merchandise from the Sears catalog. Now it's a self-run business. You post your picture and an ad on the internet. You offer live-cam videos for profit. People actually buy them tickets to travel to meet them. Having no idea who these people are, whom they're affiliated with, or what they are capable of.
Now people go on the internet and shop for foreign-lovers; choosing places where you find very poor, under-educated, or disenfranchised-people. Like Central and South America, India, Eastern Europe, and Africa. You are venturing into places where they have unstable corrupt-governments, loose law enforcement; and they despise Americans and Europeans in particular. They've learned they can make lots of money just by offering themselves-up as fantasy-lovers; and it helps when you're young, good-looking, and come with a good sob-story. If you're living in the 21st-century and unaware of this; you must have arrived through time-travel from the distant-past.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2020): It's a hustling scam. Very common in Nigeria, and several African nations. Primary targets are white-women and gay-men from America, Canada, and Europe. Sex is ALWAYS involved. Some very foolish ("stupid" is a better word) women marry these scammers. They're not really innocent victims. They're frustrated because they been unsuccessful getting a man the usual way; and think getting a guy who's desperately broke and down on his luck, gives them power to choose someone good-looking. Who will woo her and tell her what she wants to hear. Just like men who solicit prostitutes. It's the very same thing!
Foreign-travelers booking vacations or business-trips are given warnings through their travel-agents; and there are posted advisories against threats of widespread fraud-rings, con-artists, internet scams, burglaries, and prostitution in a vain-attempt to protect them. Not to mention hundreds of news articles and recent documentaries about well-to-do women and homosexuals being scammed by Nigerian scammers (and other parts of Africa); and they are extorting billions! Preying particularly on women of your description. Not to say the predatory-behavior doesn't go both-ways. How did you meet someone like him, if you're not in the same financial-class? Do you normally do free-lance charity work with men you've met or dated?
You can stop anytime you like. Why do you need an advice site to tell you to? That's commonsense. People go through reputable charity-organizations and through their places of worship that offer support and assistance to poor nations. If you're having sex with the guy, you're more or less soliciting a prostitute.
He doesn't need you to pay for school his child. There are organizations he can go through that will do that. You don't want to give him up; so he will bleed you dry. You aren't giving from the heart, you're buying his affections. No matter what he does with the money. He's hustling you, and you can't bring yourself to give him up. There's no need to delicately dance around this. You're exploiting each-other!
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (29 April 2020):
 I am old school male...47 yrs.
I still believe it is the man's job to provide for his family. If his wife or partner is working, and contributing as well...Bonus!!
I do not care if you live rich or poor...The man MUST do his part. It is not your job to look after someone else's children if...He is not your husband, or you have not adopted those children.
I don't care how good the sex is. It does not excuse him from being the main provider for HIS children.
Private school...Really?? Beggers can choose now??
You think you are only one he is doing this to?? You are not there every day to check on him.
Cut that string, and let that burden fall like dead weight to the ground. Just walk away...Lesson learned.
Answer these questions...What happens if you get sick? Can't work or send money? Will he jump on the plane to be at your side? Spend whatever little money he has to look after you?
Would his family rush to your aid?
The vow you make during a marriage "In sickness and in health", is put their for a reason. Your partner or husband must be able to look after you, when you can't look after yourself. They must also be able to support you in good health...NOT in good sex. You are literally paying for good sex...which makes him what???
Eyes open...Brain on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 April 2020):
 Also, OP
He might HAVE an occasional "rich old lady" on the side for extra money. You don't know him well enough to know what's truly going on in his life. ONLY what he tells you, because you are continents apart.
It reminds me a little of this British lady who was married to one of my husband's coworkers (Served in the Army) her sister had a Turkish "BF" - now I put BF in the quotation marks because, well... he was her boy-toy or really a gigolo - someone she PAID to hang around with every summer and sometimes spring, but as it turned out... he had SEVERAL of those British "GF" who all funded his very nice lifestyle ALL year around. Her sister wouldn't admit that he wasn't REALLY her BF, he was a "rent-a-romance". Now I know your story is probably different. But the outcome seems similar. He would also ask her for money for all kind of stuff. Once to buy a ticket to go see her in the UK, but mysteriously, the week before his mother feel ill and he couldn't come. Kept the money and then asked for help for her medical bills. On and on. I don't know the woman's financial circumstances but I feel bad when MONEY becomes the "bond" (in a sense) where there is no REAL future with the person. It's just a mutual transactional pseudo relationship.
You seem like a smart lady, don't you want something more substantial in your life? Or is it more convenient (no judgement here) for you to have someone FAR FAR away that you only see once in a blue moon? I mean other than money, you don't HAVE to invest much time or effort in that.
Maybe you should also examine WHY you are still holding on to this guy. You really aren't getting much in return here.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 April 2020):
 Investigate paying the school direct for the son's education, I know that as some people have already pointed out that it is not your responsibility, but hey, its something where you already know the annual cost and education is the key to freedom for many in Africa.
And then when he next asks for financial assistance tell him to go find his rich old lady because you are not an ATM.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2020): Honeypie, yes you are right 100%.
We had long conversation yesterday after I received all the answers here and I said excatly that ..that I didn't adopt a child (him). I thought I was with a grown man but
Ended up with a helpless child .
The thought that he saves his money and keeps on asking me crossed my mind many times before. He of course said how much I mean for him and that he could have some old rich lady like all his friends did ..but he wanted to enjoy a woman .that's why he picked me .
We will see how it will go ..I don't have much hope though that he will change ..so will be up.tow what to do next
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 April 2020):
If it's too hard to "just" say no, then really you can't complain.
SO what that it's a "cultural" thing to expect people with money to take care of everyone else? I get if it's (your own) family, then I'd be less inclined to say he is using you. but even with family you HAVE to at time say no. Either because you can't afford it or you don't approve of the expense or whatnot.
SAYING :"no, can do" is OK.
If he is driving around tourists, he is MAKING money of that, correct? It's not like he drives people around out of the goodness of his heart, he drives TOURIST who will PAY for that service. So some of that income, should go to gas and maintenance of the car. That is just common sense. He probably knows that too, but it is EASIER to just ask you, because he knows you will probably say yes. Which means HE can pocket more money.
He never paid a cent for the car either, correct?
You don't want to GIVE him any more money (except for the school) then PAY the school directly. And tell him no, no no.. when he asks for other things or money.
Why do you think some of these guys in some African countries (Nigeria especially) are KNOWN World Wide for the various "romance scams" ?
Because:
1. it's SO easy for them (apparently Western men and women are easy targets, we are raised to be polite and kind and to try and think the best of others.
2. there are seldom any legal consequences. People who "help out" their supposed BF or even spouse financially RARELY see a penny of that money once they finally admit they were scammed.
2. It's easy. All they need is an internet connection and some English.
It's VERY much part of the culture. You can CHOOSE to give someone who really isn't more than a "fling" (let's be honest" the life style HE wants OR you can CHOOSE to save up that money for yourself, your family or a good charity.
I can't see why you are under ANY obligations to give him whatever he says he needs/wants.
If you for a minute put on you "I'm a business woman" hat you KNOW that this is a BAD investment overall.
So you have a few choices here.
You can cut all contact with him, thus never having to tell him no again.
You can BE direct and tell him: for the next X amount of months I will help with the school fees for your son, but at some point I expect YOU to pay this yourself.
YOU are NOT helping him by giving him money. It's the whole TEACH a man to fish versus GIVE the man a fish.
You keep giving him the "fish", you even got him a pole and tackle and bait, but he isn't using the pole because he can just ASK you for another fish. Oh and a fish for his mom, his son, his friend over there....
You see what I'm saying?
The guy isn't dumb. He figured out how to use the car you left there for a little side hustle. If he can do that, he can damned well figure out how to take care of himself and his family. He just CHOOSES not to. And since you say yes to all demands, why should he?
You are a smart lady, smart enough to run her own business, be smart with this too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2020): Justryingtohelp, nothing was promissed.
In his culture there are lots of funny things going on . Lots! It's not uncommon for one working person to support another 10 people. Poverty there is strong. He was never "poor" even when I met him. He had a house who is big accompliahment there
But of course people always more. With me in his life he went up fast. Now he has all these things but he can't sustain them . And if things break he comes to me . Since I was spending so much time with him and wanted to see places I bought cheap car. Of course now he uses it.Not only for his needs but he also uses it as an income to drive tourists. And when car breaks he has no money to repair it. This is really ridiculous that I have to pay for that . I am.not even there ..why I have to repair that car..Other things too. His old mother gets sick. And he runs to me.last Fe I spent 150$ on her hospital . So you see how I have a hard time saying no? I feel like I am trapped
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp  +, writes (28 April 2020):
Sounds to me like you didn't mind giving this guy money when you were spending a couple of months at a time with him but now feel aggrieved because you are not (to put it in the simplest terms) getting your money's worth out of him.
Nothing wrong with that. We're all up for a bargain and nobody likes to feel used. I wonder why you feel you can't just refuse him money when he asks for it? Why can't you just say, "hey, sorry to hear you are having problems but I don't have any spare cash at the moment"?
What have you actually promised him and why? Are you just reluctant to cut support in case you want to use him for a couple of months again in the near future? If so, just view your financial help as an investment for future holidays.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2020): This is OP. No I didn't post before . But as I said this story is as old as this world. Thank you all so much for your answers . I agree with most of them . Just few clarifications: it's his son ..not mine. My daughter all grown up and with very good salary . I met the guy 4 years ago and I did spent lots of time with him in a begining . I did start a business for him which was impossible to continue . Everyone steals and lies there..it was terrible. Then my own business took a bit different term and needed my presence. That's why for past year and a half I don't see him as much and most likely it will stay like this .This relationship became too involved for me . I never wanted it..it just happened . Of course not without his pressure. Little boy is 10 now and I am happy to pay for his school. He is very smart and doing exceptionally well.What I am not happy with is to help in such quantity to his father. By the way his son is in boarding school so he doesn't even pay for his upkeep. I agree, of course he is using me ..i use him too ..for my pleasure. But the price I pay for it is disproportional .
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (27 April 2020):
 Im not saying that this is a scam, it probably isen't. But what you have mentioned bares striking resemblances to someone that has actually been involved with a scam.
I know its hard, but i think you have got to be cruel to be kind and stop all subsequent payments, sooner rather than later.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 April 2020):
When you have a partner who asks for money you end up with a really uneven relationship, he isn't your equal, he is your dependent. A dependent you aren't married to or related too. So really, someone you had some romantic feelings for who now uses you as an ATM. It sounds like a bad situation for YOU (financially) and well (romantically too as you don't REALLY spend time together IN person).
Have you considered that the 10% you SPEND on this man is money you take away from your OWN son? His college fund would have been 10% of your income this past year.
I think you need to realize that he (your guy in Africa) SEES you as a way for him to NOT have to work as hard, because YOU are there to pick up the slack.
Wish him well and next time date someone you can actually spend time with IN person WHO is financially stable, and a good match for you.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (27 April 2020):
 Why should you even pay for the school? Yes, children need education but you are not responsible for his child! This is ridiculous! How and why is he accepting money from you? Stop all financial transactions immediately, no 10%, no 5%, not even 0.5%. You can find men in your own country who will blow your mind in bed and who will not stick to you like a leech. I suggest you find better men and let go of the current scrounger.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (27 April 2020):
This is a very easy trap to fall into, especially if there are emotional feelings involved.
In your situation (no emotional attachment just a desire to assist somebody stuck in a cycle of poverty), I had to be blunt.
You too need to be blunt, just tell them you cannot help them at this stage with that amount of money. Tell them you have budgeted enough to keep the child at school because you recognise the importance of education but for the rest he needs to find another financial source.
And then stick to your guns. The requests will slow down. In my case the recipient was very embarrassed when she realised I am not an ATM.
Ive decided to support the family with some monthly financial assistance until their economy picks up again during the current global crisis, mainly because I don't want them to have to sell off parts of the business I helped set up to feed themselves. The business is very new.
Maybe your person could consider some sort of business venture that you could finance which will sustain them without you having to put your hand in the pocket all the time
Sorry for ramble, but be blunt, and just don't have the cash available next time you are asked. Think of an amount you would be prepared to finance in a small venture and do some research.
But in the meantime be blunt and hard. If your decision is not accepted then you know that you were just being used.
Hope you can work it out.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 April 2020):
 OP, you’re being used. No self-respecting person (from any country) sponges off of someone else! You set yourself up for this and I’m wondering if you’ve posted before?
We strongly advise against giving anyone money, whether they’re in another country or not. You shouldn’t be paying anything to him or his family, not even for his child - unless done through a registered charity.
Time to cut contact, OP.
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