A
female
age
30-35,
*iddenHeart
writes:Female age 20 here, dating a male age 21. Been dating for over a year now, living together for 8 months. Lost our virginity to each other, relatively healthy and active sex life.Had a bit of a mistake today and I'm having trouble dealing with it mentally...I'd just gotten past my monthly so it'd been almost a week since I'd gotten any action. When we got home from work I was pretty ready to go. We watched some tv in bed for a while. We were frisky, but we were waiting until the show we were watching was over. We talked a little bit, but I wound up getting upset about the subject and it killed my mood. One thing led to another somehow and he was on top of me anyhow. He got started, and I mentioned how I wanted to earlier but the conversation we'd had upset me and I didn't really feel like it much anymore, but he kept on going. Towards the end I figured if I tried my part maybe it wouldn't be as bad, but that didn't help at all afterwards. I was very, very upset.He took the dog out for a walk and when he got back I was crying about what had happened. I didn't think it'd feel that horrible to just go along with sex when you don't really feel like it. I told him, and he was apologetic and tried his best to comfort me. He didn't know I meant for him to stop and would have respected it if I'd made it clear. We went out and I cheered up, but after sleeping and going through part of my day, I realize I'm not completely over it yet. My mind just keeps wandering over what happened and I'm not sure how I even feel about it anymore. I can't even explain it, and I can't seem to talk to him about it. (I feel like crying about it half the time.) He keeps asking what's wrong, but I can't answer. I'm afraid he'll think everything is ruined and leave, and I don't want that. I love him dearly and he means the world to me, I'm just weird because of what happened.So what do I do? Is there any easy way to get over someting like this, or does it just take time? (Will it just have to be a wait until I'm wanting to have sex and doing so to get over it?)
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male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (3 November 2010):
Wow what a great and thoughtful reply from Fatherly Advice. Very well said I agree 100%
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (3 November 2010):
 Dear Hidden Heart,
What you have here is a conflict between two ideals that you hold true. First you believe that your body is yours and only you choose when sex will happen. That is true. You also believe that in a committed relationship, it is necessary for both people to give or sacrifice sometimes. That is also true. You are upset because you gave up control of the first ideal, at least in your mind.
There are two ways to look at the situation. How you look at it will affect how you feel about it.
1. You decided, consciously to have sex with him even though you were not in the mood. You did that because you love him and you were hoping that it would help resolve your earlier conflict and bring you closer.
2. You were afraid that if he didn't get sex, or if you stopped in the middle, he would move out and leave you. So you used your body to pay him off and keep him from being upset.
So which point of view is more true? If you concede to sex out of love, you have still retained your control over the use of your body and you can feel fine. But, if you concede out of fear, then you have given over control and you feel a loss. If fear is how you still feel after serious reflection then you need to work on trust in your relationship.
A year is still pretty young for a relationship. There are bound to be some bumps along the way. Relationships are really about how the two of you work them out together. Shutting him out of your feelings right now is not going to help in the long run.
If it helps, when I get angry I often feel as you did, and loose interest in intimacy. I'm some what older than you and male. So my reactions will be different. But, yes, sex always brings me back closer, even if I try to resist it.
FA
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (3 November 2010):
 This is definately going to be one of those "easier said than done" things, but try not to let it worry you too much hun. You have your bf there to support you, even if he just sits and passes you tissues whilst you cry on his shoulder.
He obviously cares for you alot, but in future, if you don't want to have sex, make it clearer to him, so this doesn't happen again...
Try to talk to him and maybe some trusted friends if you can about this, bottling it all up isn't going to do you much good...
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A
female
reader, sophiejayne +, writes (3 November 2010):
This has happened to me also and i can totally understand where your coming from. From what i've read your partner is a lovely man for actually apologising and trying to make everything ok. Most men would either shrug it off or cause an argument over it where as your man seems to care so much about your feelings and your wellfare. Obviously your going to feel like this about it, but you really need to start looking past it otherwise it is going to ruin your relationship and like you said thats the last thing you want to happen. My advise would be to arrange a night where both of you actually want to have sex and make a really good intimate night, after this you should forget about what happened and start looking forward. I hope this helped.
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