A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok. Im lost. I need help here. I have tried to get around this on my own and just seem to be shooting myself in the foot every time I try.I never thought I would be the other woman. And I never once thought I would be attached enough to someone to be agonizing over something like this.I met someone at work about 6 months ago, and we clicked right away. Got along fantastically, hes intelligent, funny, easy to get along with, good looking and I have a ton of things in common with him... Theres only a couple of catches.Im moving soon (a chance to go back to school)He has a girlfriend.We stayed just friends for a while, and that was great, but things got out of hand pretty quickly (about a month). By then I knew of the girlfriend, and a lot of the issues there, specifically that she is much older than him (hes 28, shes 41) but more importantly, hes just not happy with her... but is afraid to hurt her because he still cares, in a more platonic way, and she makes life easy for him. We agreed to an arrangement that made perfect sense and worked for both of us, that we be friends, and have a casual sexual relationship. That way he could get his outlet, and I didnt have to worry about getting attached to someone I would be moving from in six months.Which worked, for a while. But now its not. I care. Im very much attached... Im afraid to say the L word, but, well... Maybe. I know enough to know it hurts me, in any case. And his behavior, a lot of the comments he had made had led me to think Im not the only one. So I decided to talk to him, if only to get a little bit of clarity about what I needed to do... If I needed to kill the attachment part of it and save both of us some heartache, or start arranging to help him move out of his girlfriends life, or what. I told him the situation, and he gave me an answer (attached, but not going to pursue it)and we agreed to carry on as we have, but some changes would have to happen for me to get rid of this attachment and still be his outlet, and more importantly, friend. Except now, his attitude keeps switching around, things he says and does keep giving me conflicting messages. One day we are just hanging out as friends, he talks about how he's going to miss me when I move, but we can still talk long distance, how we will always be good friends and maybe sex happens and maybe it doesnt. I can handle that. Another, he gets kinda jealous of people I have been hanging out with, he wants to cuddle, asks touchy questions like would I like to stay, watching at me, saying he developed feelings too, all that. And I can handle that, too. What I cant handle is this incertainty.So... I can kill the attachment (Ive done this before) and it hurts, but so often does not hurt as bad as letting someone else hurt me. The only problem is that it is a somewhat permanant option. I cant turn it back on. And the logical part of me says just do it, save myself some trouble... (he is incredibly prone to not making up his mind about anything, or taking the path of least resistance, and lets face it, just staying with a girlfriend of 4 years, unhappy or not, is easier than leaving her)But what happens if he keeps doing this, and works himself up to do it, and come be with me? I dont want to have missed my chance with someone that I care about a great deal just because I jumped the gun. Ive got about a month and a half before I go, and I just need some advice. What do you make of all this? Is it worth waiting to kill it? Which side of him that Im seeing is the real one? And what are the odds he will stick to a decision? What the heck do I do?
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (21 September 2010):
Hi there. Although you say you get along great with each other, and have plenty of things in common, what you really have is a "friends with benefits" relationship.
He does have a girlfriend after all. Thirteen years older than him isn't that much really. Most people if they look after themselves, with a balanced diet and plenty of exercise, can still be quite fit and attractive well into their 50's these days.
So just because she's a bit older than him, doesn't mean that she isn't still very attractive indeed. Age means absolutely nothing.
He has the best of both worlds, he has a relationship with his girlfriend. Then he has the benefits of sex with no strings with you. Unfortunately, this is the downside of having casual sex with someone - whenever that person happens to feel like it. You have developed feelings for him because of the sex, but his heart is with this other woman. Perhaps having sex with you, sometimes sways him a little bit your way. Then reality sets in.
It is possible that he has a great relationship with his girlfriend, and that he says the things he knows you want to hear, so that he can still get the sex with you whenever he wants it. Even though you both get along, it is basically friends with benefits, no matter what he tells you. Because it's convenient for him. If he was completely honest, he wouldn't be having sex with anyone but his girlfriend. You and him getting together is just complicating things. That's why he can't make up his mind.
You really need to think about it very carefully, as you could end up getting hurt. There is the distinct possibility that he will choose her over you if it comes to the crunch anyway.
It might be a whole different ball game if you weren't moving away to further your studies. So don't let it influence your decision. Your education is your future. It would be a shame to give up the chance of more education for the sake of this casual liaison, and then have this friendship go by the wayside anyway. It is a gamble.
You need to work out which is more important - furthering your education OR taking a gamble on this relationship working out with you and him. Even if you decided to forgo your education, there's no guarantee that it this will work out well. He could still choose her.
You have to weigh it all up properly and be totally honest with yourself.
Good luck. Take care and best wishes.
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