A
male
age
41-50,
*rassisnotgreener
writes:My girlfriend and I of 4 years recently separated. In June of this year I decided I wanted to marry her. I was sure. She was the only woman in the world for me. I was so close that I sat down to buy the ring, but they didn't have the diamond I wanted so I decided to wait. Then, a series of events happened that made me think I needed more time. I never cheated on her or anything like that, I just needed time to get my priorities right. I am a planner and she is a do-er. But we always made it work. Toward the end of our relationship (about one month after the ring issue), things were definitely not good. I was not paying her the attention she deserved and not giving her what she needed. I was very busy and was about to start a very intense 2 year master's program. She absolutely loved me and told me I was the only man she ever loved. She begged me not to let her go. At the time I was very confused and did not have my life priorities straight and was not focused on her. I did not value the important things about her like I should have--she was my best friend, loyal, fun, etc. All of the things you want in your future wife--she embodied. I started to let little things about her bother me--I mean we were together for 4 years and I think we were hitting one of those rough periods. I started to think things may be better without her, but wanted to work through it. I definitely did not want to end the relationship, but I had to tell her how I felt. So I did. I told her I still loved her and never took that back, but said I needed some time to get my mind straight in order to take the next step. At this point, she wanted commitment, not necessarily a ring, but a show of more commitment from me. I felt I could not give it to her then, and I told her. She did not take it well and decided we should break up. We were living together for a year and she wanted me out. I told her I did not want to end it, but wanted to work through it, as I just needed some time. She wouldn't have it. At the same time, she was begging me to fight for her and show her commitment because she loved me so much and did not want to do this. But she felt it was necessary to break up if I was unsure. Especially after she found out that I told some of her family members I was going to marry her. She was devastated. She told me then that she was the type of girl that if we break up, she will never get back together with me. Of course, I didn't believe that.At this point, I decided that I needed to work everything out with myself and allow her to break up with me. So, I let her go. I now know it is the biggest mistake I have ever made!! I was not in the right frame of mind and know now that I should have worked through it with her and I should have made a greater commitment to her. We went on for two or three weeks without any contact. I started school and became very busy, but thought about her constantly. I heard through her family (who I am very close with) that she was absolutely devastated. She missed two days of work, did not eat for several days and basically shut herself off to the world. I did not hear about this until after it happened, however. It truly crushed me to know that I caused that pain, as I knew I still loved her. At the time, I just couldn't pull the trigger to try to go back. I thought I was doing the right thing. I needed to be absolutely sure about going back, as I could not hurt her ever again.So, we are now 2 1/2 months post break up and we have talked a few times since by email or phone. She has been back and forth with her emotions, but generally pleasant towards me and always says she loves me when we have talked. I have been the same way, and hinted to her every time that things are changing. A few weeks back I found out she had started seeing an old friend--this began 3 weeks after our break up. He has a very dark past, but I don't know much about him anymore. I was absolutely devastated when I heard this and I contacted her immediately. I did not probe into it, but I just told her I was shocked. She wrote back that they actually had a thing for each other before we started dating and she started to fall in love with him, but they were both in a bad place so she walked away. She never told me this story while we were dating, but did tell me everything else about her past. Strange to me because I know that they had much contact while we were dating. I am also sure she never cheated on me, however--well as sure as one can be. But she is not the type to do that. She is all or nothing, and gave me no reason, ever, to think she strayed from me. She was the perfect girlfriend, without being perfect of course. She continues by saying that it just feels right with him and he told her that he has always loved her and would go at any pace she wanted. She went on to say he does the things for her I didn't do at the end and makes her feel good. He listens to her cry and grieve about me, and is very supportive. Basically, he is giving her what she feels she needs right now. But we are only a month out!!! I could not believe it. That she let him in this fast, especially knowing his past.I felt destroyed, I mean I know I let her go, but all I needed was a little time! She broke up with me--I didn't dump her, although I know that is how she felt. So, I gave it more time to make sure I was doing the right thing. I talked with her once after that, and she told me that they were dating, a tragedy had just occurred to someone close to him and he was getting a bit clingy. A week after this (several days ago), everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I love her more than anything in the world!! Everything seemed to fall into place and I suddenly realized my priorities and how blind I was being. I have to get her back!I tried to go to her house but he was there. So I sent a text to her that night to call me. She said she was busy, but she called me the next morning at 7 am because she was concerned about why I wanted her to call. I did not want to do this over the phone, but felt I had no choice. I attempted to go back to her. I told her everything about how I felt and how I made the biggest mistake of my life. I told her everything would change and we would be better than we were. I went on and on. I think it really caught her by surprise, and at one point she said it was freaking her out and upsetting her and she just needed space. She went on to say she is with this new guy now, "not just dating", even though the week before she said they were just dating. I told her I would give her her space, but I was ready to fight for her, which is what she always wanted and felt I did not do enough of. That same day, I wrote her a letter expressing everything I did not get to say on the phone and left it in her mailbox.She called me the next morning (two days ago) and told me the letter was beautiful but she could not see us getting back together, ever. She said that she would have taken me back if I would have come back within the first 2-3 weeks, but not now. I think it is mostly because she how someone who is feeding her what she thinks she needs right now. She always told me that the most important thing to her in her life is to be loved like she thinks she deserves. I am sure he is trying to do this to win her. She went on to say she was too hurt and could never trust me again. She feels that she will resent me if we get back together because of the pain I caused. I told her that can slowly be fixed and tried to focus on the good things in our relationship. She went on to say her feelings for me had changed. I asked her if she loved him and she said yes, but it was different than what we had. She didn't seem sure of the context of her love for him. I was stunned. I cannot believe that she has fallen in love with another man within 2 months of us separating. I don't really believe it, because I can't see how it could happen so fast. If she would have done the same thing to me I know I would not be able to love someone for a long time and I would want her back--even two months out. So I tried to tell her everything I wanted with us and that I was totally ready, forever, and would never leave her side again. She told me she needs her space and it was time for me to move on like she had. But we both told each other we love each other before we got off the phone. She always still says she loves me.At this point, I feel like I need to see her (as we have not seen each other since near the break up) so that she can reconnect with her feelings (if they are still there) and see that I love her. But she did ask for her space and basically said she wants to be with this new guy. She did not dwell on him and did not try to make me jealous, which leads me to believe she may be serious about him. At the same time, she is moving so quickly, although she always dives in head first without thinking. I have been advised by her, her best friend and others to cease contact and give her space. Basically, to let go and move on. Of course I don't want to, but don't really know what to do. I figure I have to give her space, because I know I can't convince her to do anything--she has to want it and now work out things in her head because she finally knows what I want. On the other hand, I feel that I can remind her of the things we had which may help her make a decision. I know that all of her friends are swaying her toward this new guy. Except for her best friend, who is the only one with a clear head. She actually stuck up for me before we broke up and told my girlfriend to just give me some time. She told her to take her time and do what is right. I just can't imagine that after 4 years of the best relationship she ever had with the only man she ever fully loved that she would not give me another chance. But it seems that it is over.What can I do to get her back?On another note, her brother is a good friend of mine, however, I told him I was going to marry his sister earlier in the summer when I was planning to--big mistake. He took it well after the breakup though and reached out to me and said our relationship would be unaffected. We still talk regularly, but I have not told him I tried to go back. I know the relationship is between my ex and I, but I feel like I should tell him how I truly feel about her--especially before he hears it from her or someone else. Any advice on this?
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best friend, broke up, cheated on me, crush, get back together, her past, jealous, move on, my ex, period, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): This is a tough one! I think I would step aside and back off a bit. You have been trying to get in contact with her. I do not think she will forget you. I think she rebounded and you you need to let that ride out that out now. I think it will end as well. If she does break up it will be your chance to step up and do the right thing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): I know how your girlfriend feels. It doesn't matter that you were on different pages. The bottom line is she made herself completely vulnerable and went against her own instincts of self-preservation to show she loved you. You in return said that you weren't sure. I am not trying to make you feel worse than you already do, but I have been in her shoes.
She is not over you, I can almost guarantee this. However, this other guy that she is with now is what you weren't for her, which makes her think that she has no reason to go back to you.
When I was in a similar situation, I told myself that I would never go back and that I was tired to looking like a desperate fool to someone who gave me so little. I wanted him to treat me like a priority and instead he treated me like an option.
I would say that she probably just needs time to determine if you are really stable. She no doubt questions if the reason why you want her back is just because you are jealous of the other guy or afraid of losing in the situation, instead of really wanting to commit and be with her. In short, she has to be certain that your wanting to be with her is for the both of you and not just you.
So give her time to realize this. Stay in touch with her. You need to be her friend now and maybe you can work back to what you had.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): my boyfriend did the same as you, and i too would have took him back immediately if he had came back within two or three weeks. he did not and that let me believe that he wanted me out of his life so i too went dating and met someone else. yes it was a rebound relationship and it did die out after a few months. my ex has been in contact recently but some bitterness has set in and now i do not want him back as i know things will not be the same now. go get that girl, show her how much she means to you, offer whatever commitment she needs, dont leave it too long (however much we love someone connections do fade when we are not with them). you have one life so go and get her!
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (12 December 2009):
"Rhythmn and blues" has given away all our secrets!!! Well I guess you are our patient here, not your girlfriend. As a girl who has used this method I must say that R&B is spot on. You have to cut all this desperate behaviour immediately. She will start to wonder why you have cooled off and in no time you will have her back. You just have to pull yourself together!! This guy is a brief fling and she is probably not even going to sleep with him.
Wow, your girlfriend is definitely worthy of being someone's wife. She is pulled together and definite about her stuff. I wish I was her. Just follow R&B's advice and you will be back together in no time. And when you finally do, make the proposal a memorable one. You have a good woman on your hands (eventually!)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): I think it would be a good idea to talk to her brother if you are friends with him, and who knows, maybe he can tell you a little bit more information about this other guy that she's with.
As for her, I find it a little strange that she's saying that her and this other guy love each other after only 2 months. Being a female myself, I couldn't just bounce to someone else after being with someone for 4 years. In fact, it would take me a long, long time to heal and I probably wouldn't jump into another relationship like that unless it was just a rebound to cope with the pain of losing the other. But then again I guess everyone is different.
At this point I don't know if you can get her back at this point since you've already expressed how you feel to her, the only thing that I can think of for you to do is to do something outrageous, to the point of risking humiliating yourself, but what else do you have to lose besides that? By outrageous I mean maybe going out to a public place where she is and announcing your love for her through a loud speaker for the whole world to hear, asking her for another chance, or I don't know, something crazy like that.
I don't know if you'd be willing to do something nuts like that and if she still rejects you, you will not have only humiliated yourself, but you'll be even more hurt than before. But if this relationship is worth fighting for to you, maybe something like that is what it takes?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): I really don't know the secret recipe for getting your ex back but if you google that there are certainly a lot of so called experts out there that say they do.
One thing I can tell you is that you have done "enough" you have written her a letter about how you feel and she responded that she wants to move on and she is with someone new.
What I think would be best is if you sent her a brief note saying that you agree with the breakup and that you are excited about new possibilities in your life and getting on with your degree.
Wish her and her new man well, and then sign the note.
Do not email her or call her for about a month and during that time, focus on you and forget about her, even start dating if you think you are ready.
Regardless of what she tells you, this new (new old) guy is a rebound relationship. And if left on her own she will start wondering why you aren't begging her back any more, she will start to miss you and your relationship and she will start comparing him to you. If you continue to be in her face, she will not do that, you will push her away. If you really had such a great relationship, she will come to this conclusion on her own without your help going forward. Let this new "fling" crash and burn. She is simply choosing someone completely different from you to distract herself from her devestated feelings....and to punish YOU.
Don't play into that game, let her think you are rejecting her by moving on. Even let her see you with another date, or let her hear about it. Don't start a new relationship yourself as you need time to heal, but start dating and going out and having some fun. No one wants to get back with a morose sad sack that shows that he Needs someone else to be happy. She has to see that it isn't a matter of need but Want with you.
Let her go, it is the only way to get her back in my opinion. If it has been a month or six weeks and you haven't heard from her, then just give her a phone call and ask her how she is doing. Talk about all the great things you have going on and hang up after about 10 minutes. Just keep in touch until you hear she is single again, and then start rebuilding a new relationship with her, by "dating" her. You have to learn how to have fun together again and don't jump into all this relationship talk right off the bat. She will want to get angry with you and you can let her get it off her chest and then just apologize that things ended the way they did and you wish that you could have stayed together and then watch her reaction....don't defend yourself or explain, just say that you are sorry, keep it simple and short.....
I hope you will see things turn out this way, I am pretty certain this new guy will be gone in a matter of weeks, IF you back off.
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