A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm a 32 yr old virgin, I have a good job, live with my older brother in a inner city apartment and have always found it difficult to connect with women from as long as I remember. The few times I've got to know some, I've always been branded a nice guyl I'm guessing because I'm not arrogant, sexist, flirty, amazingly good looking or rich, I guess I'm just seen as boring.I prefer to meet women when I go out with friends to bars and clubs. I know this isn't perhaps the best place to either get better at chatting up girls or finding someone serious, but its what I enjoy on the weekends and don't play any sports. And so its the only time I come in contact with women of my own age, as I work in a small office and don't meet anyone through work.I realise opportunities way too late, after they have happened when I'm out as I haven't actually succeeded to pull I don't realise straight away when a girl is hitting on me and don't have the luxury of friends who are sympathic enough to nudge me or give me a hint.I the odd occasion that I do reallise, I either chicken out completely or start chatting and run out of conversation too quickly or sense that she isn't interested by her not responding to my questions and give up.So I leave it to trying to impress girls on the dance floor as having been out quite a bit over the years and not 'getting lucky' I have grown a liking to just enjoying the clubbing experience, dancing and drinking. I even go to the extreme sometimes of trying to hit on a girl on the dancefloor who has made it pretty obvious she likes me, failed on the first attempt, telling her I think she is sexy, how predictable and then not trying anything else even though she dances up close for a good 5 mins. Usually she will walk off annoyed and I feel as though I have failed myself and been unkind to her to not respoding 'correctly' what ever that is.I attract alot of female attention when I'm out, by being 6ft 5 and being relatively slim, but usually this back fires on me, by going for girls who are shorter than me, ok so most of them are and they blow me out. And then chickening out when on the rare occasion I see an attractive 6ft girl.Sorry to go on, but as you can see this is something that bothers me greatly. I always thought I'd learn off my older brothers, but my eldest brother got married young and my middle older brother suffers from depression and doesn't really have many girlfriends. Also I thought that I'd learn off my mates, but they are either womanisers or lads like me who aren't very successful, but aren't honest enough to admit and maybe try to join forces in try to improve our technique.I've tried speed dating a few times, but I tend to meet women at these events who are just as hard to impress as those I meet on evenings out. I think they go just to meet guys who are single and have no confidence problems of their own like me.So I guess you'll probably give me the usual advice of trying to recognise body language signs and perhaps look at meeting women in a different setting, perhaps taking up a hobby.Learning body language I think is important as to is learning to give off the right signals, as I struggle with that also. But mostly I need to kick myself and just go for it, lose my inhabitions and bite the bullet. I just haven't got a clue about what to say.Also if you have any advice about Internet Dating websites, i.e. how to attract the opposite sex with a good profile and what to write in the first emails to girls, as I rarely get replies.HELP!!!!
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clubbing, confidence, flirt, speed dating, womaniser Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, pomegranatejuice  +, writes (27 August 2007):
 Im a woman, and Im just like this. I never know when a man likes me until he decides Im not interested in him and starts dating someone else. I worked in an office for 8 years where all of the staff (except 2) were women. Married ones. When a man flirts with me I kinda need to be hit over the head with it to see it. Its agonizing to see how easy it seems for other people to find a nice person to be happy with. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me that I cant get it together for a simple date.I admit I browse internet personals. (Im too shy and too taken with an australian man at the moment to respond to them...but I still read them) These are the sorts of things that Ive noticed might help :) + Put up at least two recent photos of yourself. Whole photos. Not the kind where you are standing next to someone who has been cropped out. I always think the cropped out person is a current wife or girlfriend they don't want me to know about.+ Try not to pose with your pets. A man hugging a dog thinks hes saying that he is capable of being affectionate. All that says to a woman is if she dates you she will eventually be vacuuming the bedspread free of dog stink and hair, daily. + Be upfront about your preferences. If you don't like fat women with mustaches or smokers or belly dancers, say so. That way the woman reading it can skip it and spend that time smoking and waxing her mustache.As for what to say in emails. Be yourself. In this queston, you sound very intelligent and well spoken. Write something about how interested you are in a first date, apologize for sounding stiff and/or nervous, tell the woman what attracted you to her (unless its her breasts, then I suggest you make something up and save that for when the date is going really well) and just relax, you really don't have anything to lose. Good luck :D
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (27 August 2007):
I like guys who are like you, who are quiet around girls (so not a loudmouth), not overly outgoing (arrogant, up themselves etc...), sexist or flirty...to me this represents someone who is conservative..which is the type of person most people look for when they are looking for something serious.
However, the thing is, im a quiet person as well so when I like a guy like you, who is hesitant in making moves, well it turns into a pretty hard situation for anything to happen between us, because neither of us is willing to really put ourselves out there.
So it is often easier to go for the loud, outgoing guys, who although are not my type, generaly speaking, atleast something can happen.
So I guess what im trying to point out here is that sadly, and unfortunatly alot of people dont go to the effort for going for guys like you. Its like that old little story/saying thing aboout women.
Girls are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys dont want to reach for the good ones
because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead,they get the rotten apples from the ground
that arent as good, but easy.
So the apples up top think something wrong with
them when in reality they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right boy to come
along, the one who's brave enough to climb all
the way to the top of the tree.
I think thats very true ^ Can be related to men too. Ofen people are just to scared to go for the good people. Like yourself, you freak out when a potential good girl comes along....
I suggest that you get some self help books about dating and relationships. They will be able to give you the best advice. Perhaps some about self esteem too. There are so many things you cna do to give yourself a ebtter chance, so many that i dont knwo where to beguin.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 August 2007):
 Man, you're the classic good shy man who has trouble connecting to women. You have defined yourself quite well. My advice is very simple: review all the mistakes and all the times you've been branded "a nice guy", and try to ascertain where you've failed. Maybe you will feel a bit bad about yourself, but, you'll never overcome your problem if you keep doing the same mistakes. This is a good start point, I guess: you've got to change.
I won't recommend internet dating websites, as I don't really know about any. They could work for you, since your problem basically is that you blow it and girls fail to recognize you're a good person. But, I will recommend you two sources of advice: go to Askmen.com and read Doc Love's advice. And then, you can buy good ol' Frank B. Kermit's books. Frank is an agony uncle in this site and he has good information for everyone, not just for the shy nice guy. You can find his name in the list of the top agony aunts and uncles.
You'll have to ruin your molar teeth in biting the bullet, but, if you keep going, you'll make it big time. Be confident, which is the very first thing you need.
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (27 August 2007):
No, I won't give you the same old advice. This is what I will say:
Online dating is often crap. It seems like a good idea at first, but you have to realize many of the poepl are on there for a reason. From experience, that reason is simply that they are nuts, which is why they can't get a date in person. Others somehow think that they will find someone physically described like you (6 ft. +) but making a lot of money, basically a professional basketball player, and of course the professional basketball player will not be on Match.com. Use it at your own risk.
A lot of women like tall guys, even if they are only 4 ft. tall. You've got a lot going for you except your nervousness and anxiety. Do you find it easier to talk to guys and married women? If you do, start conversations like you would to a married woman you wouldn't try to date. Then bridge it into some flirting and getting the number. This way you seem non-threatening and sturdy.
I know, easier said than done.
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