A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband cheated on me 14 years ago, since then we have rebuilt our relationship and have gone forward. He has been the best husband and father ever and Iam so glad that we made it work.He had recently hooked up with an old girl friend from high school. They call and communicate with each other on a regular basis this includes lunches and chatting on facebook. I have confronted my husband about this and he tells me that there is nothing going on and that they are just friends. My husband and I had a long talk about this girl, after he had lunch with her. He told me that I need to give him credit and that I should trust him. He tells me that he is not here to ruin our marriage and that i should not undermine his love for me. He said that he made mistakes in the past and that it is not easy for him to give up everything that we had built together.He is insistent that nothing is going on and that they are not there plotting against me or her husband. They are just friends and I should give him more credit than what i'm giving him now. He asked me to believe in him.I've always been a very jealous woman, I know I have my faults. They say that you should follow what your gut tells you, but unfortunately my gut feeling has been tainted and i'm always suspicious and worried about him leaving me even though he doesn't show any signs of wanting to leave and that as a whole he's been pretty happy with our life.Am I just over reacting to the situation? Can I trust my husband, i've never had overcome his past infidelities although i have learned to forgive him. I've told him in the past that before he ever cheats again, just to tell me before hand and we can have an amicable break up. Am I being overly dramatic, he knows how I feel about this friend and he had asked me to trust him. Should I???
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female
reader, TooGenerous +, writes (23 April 2010):
 That is a hard one. I too have been through some rough patches with my boyfriend of 12 years and we have 2 kids. I never have gotten over the past, but I've learned to forgive. It's the forgetting that takes time, maybe I will never forget! However, I know exactly where you are at. The best thing that I ever did was to just let go! I quit looking at his phone, quit questioning him, quit asking him a million questions, etc.... And it was hard, but I did it. Also know that if he is going to cheat, then he will. That's that and there is nothing you can do about it. Just live your life and take care of your children. If he makes a good living, then spend!! If it is too much to bear - then get a divorce, but remember that you will have the same problems in your next relationship as you do in this one. Men usually don't change their ways unless they really want to.
A
male
reader, MrReasonable +, writes (23 April 2010):
Dear Lady, What you're feeling seems completely reasonable. I would hope that he has some degree of understanding of why you would feel that way. I think you are right to feel the way that you do. My parents have been married for over 40 years and upon asking in the past, they have told me that they would not be comfortable with their spouse having lunch alone with another person of the opposite sex. I think this is right on target. Married individuals should not be having lunch with other married or single people of the opposite sex alone. If they want to go out as friends, they should do it with their spouses there. Tell him it would make you more comfortable if both you and her spouse were there or at least one of the two of you. No matter how innocent his intentions, being in an isolated situation with someone of the opposite sex that you care about, when committed to someone else, is playing with fire. Perhaps i'm old fashioned, but I think that you are completely in the right to feel that this conduct is inappropriate. The facebooking or e-mails or letters is probably alright, but having lunch together alone probably isn't. Explain how this is a dangerous situation and how it makes you feel; I hope that he'll understand and you can come to an agreement. Marriage does have its limitations that come along with the many joys of being married and if you don't play by the rules, people get burned. I wish you the best in figuring this out!-Mr. Reasonable
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A
female
reader, Bethany1108 +, writes (23 April 2010):
 Fist of all, I want to commend you on patching things up with your husband and moving forward because it takes a very strong person to make that happen. This also says to me that you both must care for each other very, very much to work through something like an infidelity. With all of that said, I have a suggestion for you. Why don't you approach him about all three of you having lunch together or do something together, not to watch over them mind you, but possibly to just get to know the girl. If he acts weird about it or says that you don't trust him, just calmly ask why you can't be apart of what is going on since you are apart of his life. If he really doesn't want you to be around them when they're together than I would say you may have a problem.I hope though that that is not the case. Good luck!
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