A
female
age
41-50,
*ldchld7734
writes:I am 34, i will be married 5 years in a few months. Truth is though i never loved him when we married, i did it so that i would not be alone anymore. He does not know how i truely feel about him, i smile at the right times, laugh on cue, agree to pretty much everything. I do treat him like a king. I do things for him that i know no other wife would. Herein is the problem, he drinks to way excess. He is verbally abusive. He apologizes later, then i feel guilty for the way that he treats me, like it is my fault. I have wanted to leave this marriage for a long time. I cant make myself do it though, i would feel so guilty for the hurt it will cause him. So many people have disappointed him and i dont want to do it too. I have met another man, online of course. He is over 20 years older than myself. He is unhappily married. I have seriously fallen in love with this man. He lives very close to me and we have talked about being together. Is it something i should pursue? Am i being foolish for thinking the new person could be mine? Do i deserve any of the love the new person has for me? I am so confused. This is my second marriage, the first ended because of physical and emotional abuse and now this one is very verbal abusive. What should i do?
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female
reader, ffogalilly +, writes (16 July 2009):
I don't think its a good idea to get involved with someone you met online. Leaving one relationship and jumping into another one probably would not fix things either. You should focus on yourself, you obviously have no children so you could break away clean from your husband and make a new life for yourself, once you have fixed things in your life then I would start dating again.
A
male
reader, The old Man? +, writes (15 July 2009):
 You're in a hell of a bind here Doll. Staying with your current husband that you are not happy with, nor in love with, is merely wasting your life away. Next thing you know, you could be looking in the mirror at a 40 something year old you, and find that he has walked out on you. Talk about being angry at yourself for wasting your life!!
As far as this other guy is concerned. He says he's unhappy. Is he really, or maybe looking for some strange? Remember, when looking for a little side action, people will say whatever it takes to get what they want. Besides, overlapping relationships don't work out in the long run. Once the excitement has worn off, and the old partners are gone, now it's just the two of you. Many times these couples find the only thing they had in common was that they were both in an unhappy relationship. Again, someone gets bored, and strays off.
One of my favorite sayings that has been proved over and over again is, "if you meet them cheating, you'll lose them cheating."
Being alone sucks at first. You've heard the saying "get to know yourself"? Well, it's a very interesting concept. At first, I hated being alone! It's been a couple of years, but now, I have figured out what I want. In time, you'll become more selective and not just settle for whatever comes along.
Another way to look at things is, would you rather be alone and lonely, or be lonely and have someone there that holds you back from pursuing happiness when you see a great opportunity?
At least if you're alone, and you run across someone who wants to spend time with you, and you are BOTH "available" emotionally, you're free to do whatever.
Borrowing someone elses mate is a very short term remedy to a problem, and usually brings on more problems than you had to begin with.
I'm not one who encourages divorce,and absolutely loathes cheating, but having been in your position, I feel your pain! My advice is GO!! Forget about the married dude, spend some time on yourself. In time, you'll find someone that is yours, and your alone. Someone that you BOTH enjoy one anothers company, and honestly love one another.
I realize this is alot of pretty big words coming from a guy who's in his 40's,and alone, but ya know, I don't have to put on an act. If I meet someone that I'd like to go out with, I don't have to do it behind anyones back. When I say to myself," there's got to be something better out there", there is no one standing in the way.
Take some time for YOU! Don't settle for second hand love.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2009): People as you know already, marry for a myriad of reasons which often does not relate to love in the first place. Much of it has to do with emotional obligation. Unfortunately, such 'principles' is the ultimate downfall and decay of such relationships. The open connection was not there in the first place and only an illusion that bridges two people exists. Try 'walking' on it and I can guarantee that either of you will fall to your doom.
Being "deserved" is not something that someone else dishes out to you. This is in fact, a self-maintained mentality. Whatever you deserve is up to you solely. It only feels like someone else 'controls' this factor of your ability to "deserve something" because of the emotional obligations we have with others.
Therefore, with all that has been said here, with reasoning in place, you can 1) continue to live on this illusion and continue to fall to your doom or 2) become aware of your emotional obligations, step back and reassess your needs and wants for the remainder of your life and choose another path other than the one you're on right now.
Of course, open communication is always a persistent suggestion I tell everyone for all relationships, but if that does not work for you for any reason, then one of the two above should be able to give you an idea on how to move on. As well, since your emotions are elsewhere, the only reason I could see you continuing this with your husband is if you are not strong enough to get out of the relationship and require a physically 'stable' footing to pass your life.
One of the biggest flaws of humanity is to sacrifice too much of oneself to stay grounded. There is no progression if there is no movement. With movement, comes change, comes further experiences and expansion of the mind. We learn to maneuver around obstacles, to avoid certain conflicts, to choose our own battles.
(I hear an ice cream truck outside. Reminds me of my youth when the only emotional obligation I had was to be a 'good' boy.)
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A
female
reader, Wldchld7734 +, writes (15 July 2009):
Wldchld7734 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs an answer to the first question, yes i have met the other man. We connect so well. We have a lot in common. Similar goals, values and are at the same place in life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2009): I feel for you but I don't think that the new guy will fix things. Remember the grass is always greener on the other side. I am not suggesting that you stay with your husband who is verbally abusive and to make matters worse you don't even love him but what I am saying is that you need to think things over before you make any decisions. Have you met with this new guy?
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