A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't even know where to begin. I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years in December. We have a 6 month old together and are living together. I'm constantly trying to make him happy. He's VERY OCD, so I try my best to keep the house clean, laundry and dishes done, animals fed, you name it, to keep him from freaking out. But it's still never enough. I am in nursing school 3 days a week and work the weekends. When I'm not at school or working, I'm at home taking care of the little one and the house. He's constantly griping about our money situation (though we are much wealthier than other people our age). He runs his own business and brings in very good money. Because he runs his own business, he's "got to do this, got to do that" and is very overwhelmed with his list of work to do. Lately he's wanted me to bring in more money, so I got another job. Now he is griping about me not being home to watch the baby, and that he can't do anything when I'm at work. I don't know how to please him and I'm overwhelmed with his stress! He broke our laptop, broke his phone, going pretty much insane. I start to cry because I am trying to help, but he's takin git all out on me, when im doing my best. So then he yells at me for crying! I never get a break from him bitching at me and I don't know what to do anymore. I would honestly leave if we didn't have a child together, but with a child? There's no way... Help...
View related questions:
a break, at work, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, kata1l +, writes (1 July 2012):
Hi, there. I have just got to say that I disagree with Dorthy here. Not once in her answer did she address the FACT that you, the lady posting this question-
A. Goes to nursing school, which is incredibly hard.
B. Also has the responsibilities of a job
C. Takes care of a 6 month old baby
D. Does most of the housework, it sounds like.
But Dorothy is suggesting that you add more onto YOUR plate by helping him. I guarantee you, it will still not be anough. He sounds like a control freak, and very much like my ex. At first it was little things he complained about, and like the poster, I tried harder to keep the house perfect, he asked me to bring in more money so I worked extra hours, he asked me to lose weight so I lost 25 pounds, but as soon as I "fixed" one thing that he complained about, he promptly found something else to complain about. I have since found out, in therapy, that complaining and criticizing is the way controlling men keep you down under their thumb. I never told him, I wish you were taller, made more money, etc., and just tried to accept him like he was, and he did not return the favor. If you try to help him in his business, when are you going to sleep? And, oh yeah, wanted to mention that my ex broke our computer, too, in a moment of anger, one of his frequent outbursts that he blamed on me and stress. A grown mature man finds ways to deal with anger and stress besides throwing things and throwing tantrums. Please don't blame yourself or think you are not good enough. You are. I wish we could sit down and talk together and I could hug you and tell you that you are good enough snd thst you are doing your part and that he is lucky to have both you and the baby in his life. Signed, just call me, Free at Last.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (1 July 2012):
Hi there. You both need to sit down together and talk about everything, and work on some kind of plan.
Money seems to be at the bottom of some of these arguments, as he asked if you could bring in more money.
That indicates that not enough money is coming into the house in the first place.
Athough you earn a living on the weekend.
The reason for that being, that you are still in nursing school so you are not yet earning money in that field, until you graduate.
The problem then since you now have another job, is that he is left minding your baby, which severely compromises his time with his business, as he is constantly interrupted by having to attend to your baby's needs.
There needs to be some kind of compromise here, doesn't there?
You are doing all that you can financially, so you can do no more really.
The other problem, is that perhaps his business is not earning as much money as he would like.
If it earned more money, you wouldn't need to work your second job and would therefore be home with your baby.
And as he seems to be run off his feet with too much to do, it could be time for him to put more staff on.
If he works this business alone, well then it seems he has too much work to do for just one person.
So he either needs to downsize his business in some way, or else employ others to work for him, so he can delegate some of the work, and get more done himself, and so ultimately have more free time.
So the bottom line.
(1) He is overworked, with too much to do. Not enough hours in the day to do it all in.
He then becomes very stressed, as you can see for yourself.
(2) He is finding it very frustrating to do all this work - when you're at your second job - and mind the baby at the same time.
He doesn't get much done.
(3) Is it possible, that you could assist him by doing some work for him?
For instance, doing some typing or taking some phone calls for him?
Kind of being his office assistant - whenever you have the chance, for perhaps a couple of hours a day.
That could be a tremenedous help for him.
Because if he is running the business completely on his own, that means he is doing not only the operational side, but also the admin side, which can be very time consuming.
Admin, filing, organising receipts, typing, accounts work, it's virtually neverending.
And it's the operational side that makes all the money for the business in the first place.
The admin side, is all that goes on behind the scenes, and keeps the business running smoothly.
So if he is managing everything by himself without any assistance, it's no wonder he is all stressed out.
And if all the paperwork is disorganised, it can bring everything completely undone.
So you can see how important it is, to have a well organized admin system.
It can make or break a company, and very easily too.
Things like looking for some document, and it's not even filed, and you can't find it anywhere in a hurry!
That can be incredibly frustrating.
So if you can possibly help him with the filing and get that in some kind of order in a proper filing cabinet, that alone could make a HUGE difference to his working day.
It might only take you an hour of your time, or perhaps 2 hours initially.
Then much less, once it's all filed on a daily basis.
And once you have a system up and running, the rest is simply a case of filing documents, receipts etc. at the end of each day.
It's possible that the only problem he is having, is that he has no system for his paperwork.
Plus, no free time to do it, because there is so much other stuff to also do.
So if you can offer your help there for him, it means he can get on with the operational side, which brings in the real cash flow.
If he finds that each day he is scratching around for receipts, invoices, documents, order forms etc., when a customer calls him regarding an order, well then that's time he could be spending on making some sales calls and actually RUNNING his businsess as it's meant to be run.
Without admin problems, then it will be all smooth sailing for him, from thereon in.
So have a chat with him, and ask if you can help him on the admin side of things, which I am sure, he will greatly appreciate.
He might not have thought of this before now, simply because he is constantly busy and so doesn't have the time to sit around and contemplate what is the problem for him.
So all the more reason for you to offer to help him in the admin area, which could really make a very big difference to his average working day.
You might be very pleasantly surprised!
And just as an added bonus, it will have a flow on affect to your relationship as well, in a very positive way.
You will both be much happier all round.
And you will both find a place of PEACE in your lives.
And that's a really nice place to be.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): Has this by any chance become worse since the baby? They can add a lot of stress to a relationship.
OP this guy is a nightmare really, and something has to change here. Personally I think the best course of action is couples therapy.
If this is always been the way he is then you're going to have to consider walking away so as not to raise your child in a house of stress, violent outbursts and constant arguing, your child should be even more of a reason to go if he can't curb this.
Look it may be as simple as him cutting back on his work hours by hiring in an assistant or delegating more work to others.
If he's anal about cleaning hire a cleaning lady.
Go to therapy and see what they say, if this a relatively new pattern of behaviour they'll help you find out the reasons and help you find solutions. But do not discount leaving OP, if that's not an option then you're going to have one very frustrated and angry little kid who learns from daddy that it's okay to throw tantrums, shout and smash things to get their own way. Not good.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 June 2012):
 You should never use a child as a reason to stay with someone. If you both are always arguing then that environment is not good for the baby, it would be best off if you where both separated if you are not happy.
He sounds very stressed with work and family life, which probably makes his OCD a lot worse. You need to sit down with him and talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. Talk it through and ask him to get help. Tell him if things don't change you cannot continue this relationship as it is to stressful for everyone. Good luck.
...............................
|
