A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am new to this site and won't ordinarily ask for advice from strangers, but I need some prospective. I am 39 and I recently met a young woman who I think is very special. She is only 20 but has an intelligence, wit and courage that is far beyond her years. When I first saw her I could not take my eyes off her, she was such a surprise with eyes that could burn holes into you. It wasn't simply a lustful attraction, there was something in her eyes that I have never quite seen in another human being. They were seasoned, wise and telling of a little wildness in her. I didn't know how to act around her. I was friendly but reserved, afraid I might do or say the wrong thing. (We met in the company of some professional colleagues and she is still a student.) I could tell she liked me too but I am wondering if I am too old for her or if it really matters when you have a lot in common. Certainly not every 40 something has the same level of maturity and neither does every 20 something. So is age irrelevant? We don't live near each other, in fact we live in different countries. I don't know what I should do, if I should pursue it, or if the match would be regarded as unfavorable by others.I am not a "dirty old man". I have never dated anyone more than 10 years younger than me.What would you do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): I do think that the female anonymous poster has a point.
The fact that she is only 20 and you are almost 40 bothers me a bit too....age gaps work later on in life but this early is less likely to be appropriate for her.
When I was 23, I dated a 32 year old. I had graduated college and had been out of a serious relationship for awhile and he pursued me so I thought what the heck. He had money and a fast car and was handsome. We had nothing in common because we were from different generations and I hadn't really lived his generation as an adult so I had trouble relating to him....I got bored very quickly and he was in it mostly for the sex and how cute I was.
I handled it by moving out of state and he came to visit me once and then later moved out of state himself.
So at that time in my life it did not work for me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): Sorry, I think this is wrong - what have you got in common??? You do sound like someone who is lacking something if you have to go with young girls. The age difference, when you are older, is not so apparent. However, you are 39 and she is 20 - she hasn't grown up yet, though she might like to think she has. I had a relationship with a 28 year old when I was 17. At the time, it felt very grown up to me, despite the fact that we had NOTHING in common. However, I look back now on it (I am in my forties) and I realise it was not really a proper relationship. I was still growing up and I was dating a grown up. I also know 20 year olds from work and they are so young, it's scary. I mean, really I end up mothering them because they are so naive and young. Don't go there man, but find out the reasons why you wanted to. There is an issue here.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): if it makes you both happy and its what you both want, go for it.
My dad is 66, his wife (my stepmother is 47!
my step mother is only four years older than me, and when i was married, my ex was four years older than my step mum!!
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A
female
reader, elysky16  +, writes (23 June 2009):
 hello, i know how you feel. i am 19 years old and my boyfriend is 28, we had the same problem when we met, he though i was too young, but we've been together for a year now even though we also live in different countries, funny right?. i think that the person's age is irrelevant, it's all about how mature they are and how compatible you guys are. if she feels the same way about you then don't hesitate. most of the time we lose our chance to be happy in life just because of what we consider is the right thing, and then we just wonder what could have been... like my mother would say, opportunities are bald and you have to grab them by the hair, if you feel like she is the one and she feels the same way, then the rest is not important, go for it.
hope i helped, good luck :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): I don't think age tends to matter if you share the same interests, lifestyles etc. You should ask her and see how she would feel about a relationship with an age gap, and obviously the problem with living in seperate countries, too.At the end of the day it doesn't matter hwat anyone thinks as long as you two are happy, right? Good Luck :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2009): I don't think age is irrelevant for a number of reasons.
I am not against age gap relationships, however, many people are. I myself dated a man 15 years my junior for two years, but I am early 50's and he is late 30's so I at the time it made little difference as we had a lot in common in our energy levels, tempermant, style, sense of humour etc.
I think what we have to remember though is that at some point in our life the older we get (like 50) the aging process actually starts to accelerate and the age gap becomes even more apparant. Generally, genetics and illness not withstanding, women outlive men. So let's say you marry this girl and have children together, you are most likely going to leave her a widow at a young age, so I guess if you discuss those obstacles and can deal with it, age is irrelevant.
I think even though she may be mature at 20, I think she is barely out of childhood and may be pretending a certain maturity that will prove itself is not there later on and she or you may feel you have nothing in common.
The biggest obstacle seems to be that you live or are from different countries, how would that be dealt with?
Will you be OK with people who first meet you ask you if she is your daughter? If you are and can laugh about it then I guess age is irrelevant.
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