A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need your opinion on wedding invitation protocol.My wife has this male friend, who for a short time was her boyfriend, and they still stayed friends, even now. When my wife and I got married 3 years ago, we invited him (big of me I know), but he was single at the time, so didn't think anything of it. He came to the wedding and I'm pretty sure he had a good time.Well, now he's getting married, and send my wife an invitation in her maiden name, which right off the bat is in poor taste. She called him to tell him we would be coming, but she's going to change the last name and to make sure the table cards have our right names. He told her that they only counted on so many guests, and they only counted her as 1 guest.We're real confused. No matter what, she doesn't want to go, and I won't let her go. But, isn't this an extreme breach of protocol and good manners? I mean first the name mess-up, and he's still her friend, so he knows her 'real' last name. 2nd, to expect a married person to accept a wedding invitation for ONLY them!! We've already decided she's not going, but I say we don't even acknowledge the wedding with a response nor a gift. Am I right?? My wife thinks we should cross out her 'old' name, write in both our names, say we decline, but still send a gift. Is she right?? Or me??
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2011): Thank you for all your responses. Except for the 1 guy who said about 'letting her go crap', that is my right as her HUSBAND. And the 1 female comment about the last name thing not being a big deal, it IS. It was very rude, there was no excuse for it, and I would have never ever married a woman who didn't follow tradition, and yes, even the virgin part. She dated this guy, fooled around but never had sex until we got married. Tradition and convention is very important to both myself and my wife.Now as for the issue, I guess I was a little hot-headed over the whole thing. I have a right to be mad, especially since they are 'supposed' to be friends. I'm not sure if this was being cheap, or some kind of cut at me, but it was wrong, wrong, wrong. I'm going to do what my wife said, cross out the wrong name, put in both our names, and we'll decline but send a 'very small' gift. I'm not sure about our future friendship with these people though. Both my wife and I feel very slighted, and insulted by the whole thing. Who knows, this guy is my wife's friend and ex-bf, and seems to be a nice guy. His wife-to-be we've only meet about 5 or 6 times, and we're not sure, maybe this was all her doing, but it they are to be married, then she will be in the picture, so maybe the friendship won't last. Maybe she's jealeous of my wife and her future husband's past, even though they didn't have sex, they did fool around a LOT. We'll see.p.s. I appreciate your advice and helping me to see that I was being a little harsh and my wife's solution was the best. That's what we're going to do. Maybe I should listen to her all the time (just kidding). -Thanks, Jay
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 July 2011):
 I like your wife's plan just fine. Gets the message across with class.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2011): They are really rude. But your wife is right (she sounds hugely classy)! Correct the mistake so that you are clear, don't attend the wedding if you can't go as a couple, but send a (small, token) gift.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 July 2011):
 I'd assume the married-couple-to-be is so down on their luck and cash-strapped that they need to resort to stratagems to get wedding presents without having to pay the caterer for the guest. Also that the guy is a forgetful boor. I rather think they are objects of pity rather than anger.
If you want to even things up, send a gift card to the happy couple, addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Ex-boyfriend Her-maiden-name. So if she is Jane Doe and He is John Smith, send the card to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe. That should get the point across.
Alternatively, you could politely decline and send them your best wishes and the equivalent present he gave to you on your wedding day. Then write him off as a rather pathetic guy and don't worry about it any more. Kind of sad, isn't it?
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (29 July 2011):
 Your wife is suggesting the high road (and if you haven't already, take the time to show her your appreciation for sticking by you), you're suggesting a refusal to acknowledge an insult (which I think was intentional, but I wouldn't put money on it).
Sending a gift with the corrected names would be a way of showing who is the bigger man here. More importantly, she would continue to feel as if he was in the wrong, rather than later feeling like she screwed up by not sending a gift. In coldly practical terms, it's better if you tell her you've decided to take the high road and send the gift, so she can continue to think of him as the bad guy. Go with her plan.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2011): To invite an ex to your wedding or family members wedding knowing damn well they had a partner that is the most appalling ,disrespectful thing to do anyway there is only 1 reason to do such a thing and that is because your not over them and still fancy your chances. i know this due to experience from my boyfriend's ex girlfriend
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2011): That was extremely rude. Many women keep their own surnames after marriage so that in and of itself is meaningless. Excluding you from the wedding not once, but twice ('sorry, we only counted you as 1 guest') is what would stick in my craw.I understand this couple may be on a budget and I wouldn't fault them for not extending an invitation to a casual friend. Especially if it's a fairly small affair. But when one of your guests is married or in an established relationship it is in very poor taste to exclude their partner.Not only was the groom invited to your wedding, but he and his soon to be wife had three years to get to know you and presumably three years of being guests in your home.Decline with class but no gift. Giving one would water down the message you're hoping to send by declining the invitation.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (28 July 2011):
 What horrible manners of those "friends".
Your wife is married and SHOULD have been honored by using the name she chooses to go by. YOU are not her bf for God's sake, you are her HUSBAND.
What they did was EXTREMELY rude. I would acknowledge the invite (that would show YOUR good manners by setting the example) with a "not attending" on the RSVP. That is the business side of the matter. Keep the personal response and any passive aggressive attempts to show your offense out.
I would not send a gift, but send them a congrats card signed "Mr and Mrs.". FRIENDS get gifts to celebrate their life events and you both have not been treated as friends.
Wish them well and wish them goodbye. If they approach later why your friendship soured, THEN you can bring up their social faux pas.
Best Wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): A couple of problems here. First off, he can invite anyone he pleases. You don't have to automatically include spouses, S.O's or family members, although it is customary to do so out of respect. Making people attend without a partner makes them a bit uncomfortable sometimes. Uncomfortable people at a wedding isn't a good thing. Second, yes, sending to her maiden name was in bad taste, especially since he came to your wedding, so he had no excuse for not knowing her married name. If he's such a good friend, he should've freakin known that. Third...who was the invitation adressed to? If just her, it is in poor taste for her to call and add you to the attendees. I'm guessing that's so since he said they only budgeted for 1 attendee...her. It is protocol for only the person or persons on the invite to come. Lastly, how did it go from her calling to say you would both be there to her not going? And what is this not allowing her to go crap?
Anyway, if it were me and an ex GF invited me to her wedding but I couldnt bring my wife, even tho the ex came to my wedding, I'd RSVP as a "not attending" and leave it at that. Are you sure he didn't have a partner at the time he was invited to your wedding? He may have been slighted, and that's why he's not allowing you. Overall, it's not the slickest move on his part. And since he's an ex BF who may have been with your now-wife, I'd be pissed too. But, if your wife wants to go, you should be the bigger man and let her.
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