A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some help to walk away from my married lover for good. We have been together for 4 years, hes in his early forties and im 26 with a young child. Over the years he has hurt me numerous times, told me he was leaving his wife almost every week, got me pregnant several times(all miscarries). His wife knows about me and we have had many slanging matches, he has stayed with me countless times but always ends up going back to her making differant excuses each time. I have today decided to leave this man for good but i need some strengh to stick it out...he is very persuasive to the point were he is on his knees crying and begging. I realise he has the best of both worlds and im worn out settling for a part time relationship. If anybody has been in this mess and come out the other side, please give me some hope. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): Having a child and being in a four year unstable relationship with an older married man is unhealthy, not only is that man not respecting the vow he made to his wife during marriage, he is not respecting you as a woman and your patience. A relationship is romantic and passionate not heartbreaking and miserable, excuses are out of the question when you’re in a relationship. When children are involve the adults should take constructive decisions, by making these decision the person has to stand strong by them, think about how are the children involved going to be affected. Most likely you’re not the only woman he has a relationship with. Is this the kind of future that you want for you and your family?Allowing yourself to let go of this relationship and not looking back, is the best decision you have ever consider. What you hold with this person is not a healthy relationship. It has been causing you nothing but pain and anguish. I understand what you would have wanted from this man you call “lover”. Due to the circumstances from the beginning, the odds of something positive accruing off of this fling you started were slim. Every woman deserves to be in a relationship with love value and respect. But before you can demands that, you should love value and respect yourself first. If you love yourself you will never allow anyone to hurt you emotionally, mentally or physically the way this married man has for the past 4 years. You are better than that, and deep inside you know that you deserve a better man. A man who is going to give you your place as a woman and not take you for granted. A man that start a new relationship before ending the one he is already committed in doesn’t understands how to value and respect a woman, yet alone be in love with one. “Love, value and respect yourself, get to learn what it is you want from a man”, and after finding yourself then consider starting a new relationship. We live in a world of choices and one can be demanding when finding their loving soul mate. Never forget that the love, value and respect you give yourself, is demanded from other as well.When dealing whit a married man, you need to take into consideration your young child. In your position, I will advise you to think at what he/she has seen or experience. It is not healthy for a child to see her mother involved with a married man. Or worst to see the couple arguing, or worst aggressive with the man’s wife. Have you ever stopped to think, how he/she might feel to see their parent in pain? When a child see’s a parent in pain, there has been a time when the child takes on the role of the parent in the household. What about if he gets aggressive with you? A child see’s that. He/she might think it’s a proper way to treat a woman. You as a mother need to set the role of a strong mother, and not be involved with a married man.Not only is this affair affecting you mentally and emotionally but it also affecting his spouse. Just as you may feel a lack of trust in this man for constantly going back and forth to you, his wife feels the same. This man has damaged both you and your child along with his own family. It’s not healthy for his kids, if he has any, to see their dad walk in and out their home. They start to wonder why he leaves and if he even might come back to them. Your child might eventually feel the same if he/she starts getting attached to your lover. Think thoroughly of the permanent damage his wife has received from this, loss of trust, damage to self esteem, and a sense of instability. Never did she think of marrying a man who would view women so low and disrespect them. She might be on a constant self blaming, insisting this affair was her fault, feeling she wasn’t enough in the marriage. His kids might be getting affected by all this as well. They might not feel loved or important by their dad seeing him going to another woman. You, these kids, and the woman deserve to be valued, not to be played with emotionally. Since he has cheated on his wife, which should be his #1 priority, what would make you think that you are any different? Now think of how his wife feels, she is the victim of this adulteress “relationship.” Sometime in this relationship, you found out he was married, but why didn’t you run away? The best thing to have done was once you found out he was married was to say “Goodbye” and never look back. You have your child, can you imagine someone that he/she truly loves hurting him/her the way you are hurting this woman. Now take a step back, this man seems to know what he is doing. Are you his first mistress or his fifth? As soon as his wife knew about your relationship with her husband there’s no reassurance that he might have other lovers. If his wife knows you’re with him how do you know she doesn’t know about other woman he’s been with. He might be cheating on you with another woman. He might be telling you that his wife has called him due to an emergency and instead he lied to you to go to another woman. You are no longer a single woman, you are a single parent. You must really think about the choices you are making in your life, you are no longer a child; you are an adult who knows right from wrong. You deserve better than a married man, “YOU” deserve to be happy with someone who isn’t afraid to walk outside the door step. Don’t back up on you decision to leave him. Many women who are involved in a relationship with a married man often find themselves on a burnable position and are not physiologically strong enough to end their relationship. In a way they are afraid of losing the person that provides comfort, love and protection, but the desire to end the relation due to all the complications and issues that comes hand to hand with being involve with a married man. In other cases, women who are in abusive relationships, struggle to stay firm on their decision of ending their relation. This is because they feel intimidated physically or verbally. Some statistics indicate that married men are most likely to be abusive physically and verbally towards their lover/mistress especially if it has been a long term affair. At the end it’s all about thinking of yourself and how this extramarital relation has affected your life in different aspects. Make sure to think about your future and if you really want to break off this affair. You need to be decisive and not let the person who you are involved with plant seeds of confusion in your mind. Remember that this person might try to do as much as he can to not lose you, even if this implies him getting on his knees and begging you to not end the relationship. In conclusion, love develops out of sex; the partner wants to spend more time with each other’s companionship while frequently thinking about a future. But as a long term affair takes place with a married man, the woman sacrifices her friends, family, chances of marriage, and motherhood or if there was to come out a child out of this affair, it is most likely that the woman will be left alone to raise this child on her own. Christine Webber, a psychotherapist and life coach stated in her article “Coping with an affair”, “The harsh truth is that even if a married lover does eventually leave his wife, or even if that wife actually dies, the man will often take up with someone new instead of marrying his long-term mistress.” You are putting too much into this affair, you are single yet a young mother that needs to see for your child’s health, don’t take for granted you are not the only lover he has, and stick with your decision on leaving this man for good because you have a lot of things set out for you in the future and this man should be kept in your past.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2011): Many married men cheat on their wife’s but always come back asking for forgiveness. Falling in love with a married man was the worst mistake you could have done to yourself. The first problem is that he’s married and you know it from the beginning he’s much older than you he’s on his forties, and you’re on your twenties. However, the age does play a big part, because he is much wiser and has the knowledge to convince you that he is going to leave his wife but still manages not to leave her and still come back to you whenever he wants to. You have been together for the past four years and have a child together. In the past he has told you that he is going to leave his wife, but after all this time he still has not taken that step. His intentions are more than clear he is not planning to leave the wife because if he really wanted to, he would off done that four years ago. The problem is that you accepted him knowing the fact that he was married now he feels confident that you’re going to keep on being there for him no matter what the case is. Also, having a child involved makes the situation even worst because not only you’re hurting but also the child is going to get hurt as well with this entire situation. However he has hurt you numerous of time making up excuses each time to go back to the wife, and still has a relationship with her. He just has the best of both worlds and figured out that why have one of you when he could have both of you. The best thing you could do for yourself is leave this man for the best of your emotional health and your child’s. This relationship is not healthy at all; he is hurting you and hurting your child as well. This man is just being selfish and thinking only for himself he doesn’t love himself or love anybody else. He has had plenty of time to really think of what decision to make but he’s not going to make up his mind, therefore you need to decide for the best of you and your child. Stop being in denial many people just rather stay in denial that way they don’t feel hurt. “When someone says you’re in denial, it generally means you aren’t being realistic about something that’s happening in your life, something that may be obvious to those around you. “However “according to many therapist and psychologists, among the most common reasons given for cheating are the need for appreciation, unmet emotional needs and low self- esteem.” Get this married man out of your life for good don’t let his crying and begging change your mind. Let him know that you’re done with this difficult situation and you deserve better than this. I recommend that you don’t answer his phone calls, change your phone number, address, and go out more with family members to distract your mind. This way you don’t think about him. Think about what you would like to do for yourself and your child. You’re going to feel sad the first couple of days or weeks but be strong don’t give in because if you give in his going to feel like he could still control you no matter what you say or do. Taking the first step is hard but you will feel much better after you do it. Once you leave this married man for good, you’re going to feel relieve from all the problems this man has cost you. You may even feel back in control of your life and feel much better about yourself and could really focus on your child. He is definitely a waist of your time, he will never stop with his lies, he will go as far as you let him. Therefore ending this relationship would be the best thing you could do for yourself. You deserve someone better that will be there for you all the time and of course that will be committed to only you.
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A
female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (16 May 2011):
 Hello,
You need to have an iron will and never ever doubt your decision. Never doubt you have left him. The longer it becomes, the better it gets. It really does. Just find that iron will inside you and no matter what happens or befalls you, never doubt your decision. And it is correct, he will never leave his wife. I'll say it again, he will never leave his wife.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thankyou for your advice, its been very helpful. No he isnt the father of my child but he does dote on him which is why i've stuck it out for 4 years-my child thinks the world of him which always made things hard. A part of me thinks this is a manipulative tactic. Im determined now to walk away and find someone worthy- i dream to marry, settle down and have more children and i've known for a long time this was never going to happen with the married guy. I know im not innocent, i do take responsibility and i honestly don't expect sympathy from anyone- just someone to back me and tell me im doing the right thing. Thankyou for your advice it's greatly appreciated x
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A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (16 May 2011):
 You may think you are coming off as innocent here, but none of us are clean. EVERY relationship we place ourselves in of our own free will is because it SERVES US. Somehow even if it is negative, it serves us. Some of us like to suffer because we carry guilt, some of us like the rain because the sunshine is too bright. Some of us like to feel stronger by being at our weakest. Some of us like to cry in pain because we need to feel our needs. Some of us can't love in the open field because we prefer to hide in the bushes of camouflage.
This relationship serves you in some or many ways.
Ask yourself, what are the good things about this relationship. What are my benefits, there are many, even if they are negative. You'll never have to rely on this man, that could serve your insecurity for actually having to rely on any man. It's easier to just say to yourself.
I'll never rely on anyone, they'll let me down, than taking the risk of allowing someone to take care of you. You're stronger than that, aren't you? But is that strength?
You'll have to get out pen and pad and be honest, something that you are not because your relationship is a lie. Get down and dirty with the truth in your heart, that says to you "you're screwed" and fight back. This situation no longer serves you, know why, move on, find the white lightening that says "I'm so going to show myself the way to my soul"
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 May 2011):
 He is NOT going to leave his wife. If he haven't already, I seriously doubt he will in the future.
He's not serious about you. Or.. he would have made good at his words.
Honey, LOOK at his actions, stop listening to his "tall tales".
Why on Earth did you waste 4 years on another woman's husband?
I hope in the future you will stick to dating single men. Less drama & more action!
Just CUT the contact. Delete him from your phone, e-mail, IM, BLOCK him on your phone, Facebook whatever. PRETEND he doesn't exist and start moving on.
Be more responisble for your own life & actions. Is THIS something you want to teach your child?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): ONLY YOU can get yourself out of this mess.No one is forcing you to live like this. This is a CHOICE you have made.I am being blunt BUT you need to hear this. You have lowered yourself, you have demeened yourself and right now you have no pride, no dgnity and no self respect.Make a choice to live a better life for both yourself and your kid.My brother has a mistress for 8 years now and that woman will never ever become more than his mistress. her life has gone and she will always be sneaking around with him. she is always seen as a skank, without morals. AT LEAST now you have decided that this life is not for you.Write down your goals and work towards it. tell yourself that you deserve better. tell yourself that you want to be a good role model to yourself. your flesh is not weak, but your mind and value system is. Hard BUT Relevant, and Real.LoveGirl
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 May 2011):
 no advice on how to leave him cause that's gotta be so dang hard for you but I wanted to give you a hug for knowing WHAT to do....
is he the father of your child?
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