A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i am in a relationship with a man who already sewed his wild oats while he was younger. i havent done any of that, but i was in a couple of troubled relationship before where the sex was not so great. my bf could not be a better man and very proper but i cant help the feeling that i need to sow my wild oats first too. i think that for him sex might not be as exciting and important any more but for me it is different. whats a girl to do? i guess i could catch up as long as i stay healthy and he doesn't know, i know for a fact once we are engaged he will cut off the relationship if he caught me at that point. right now we are just getting to know each other.
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female
reader, WordsCards +, writes (9 August 2010):
Are you actually exclusive with him? Did you say that you will not date other people? If not then there's nothing wrong with dating multiple people. It's not cheating if you didn't say you are going to be exclusive.
You say that you're just getting to know each other so I'm guessing that you just started dating. Have you had the exclusivity talk yet?
Now if you have told him you would only be with him, then it would be cheating. In which case, you could tell him what you told us, that you would like to explore your sexuality since he already has. See what he says. If he's a decent guy he will understand why you feel jealous that he got to do it and you didn't.
Now here's the question: If he doesn't understand and you do lose this guy, will you be okay with that? I.e. if you had to make a choice to EITHER be with him OR sow your oats which sounds more appealing?
Now some people are into polyamory - which means you are allowed to date more than one person at a time. You may be someone who is interested in this.
A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (9 August 2010):
Sure go have Fun! but don't keep him on the string in the mean time! no'ones telling you not to sew your oats, all they are saying, it is morally wrong to keep someone under false pretences while you are having your oats fulfilled!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): Sowing your wild oats is fine, inherently there is nothing wrong with it; if you want to go off and have fun and have sex then do it. But you need to end your relationship. There is no way on earth you can justify cheating on him. You can't have it both ways. If you want your fun then go and get it. But don't keep this poor guy hanging on at the same time. Did your partner sow his oats when he was in a relationship already? You are contemplating doing it behind his back simply because you have missed out on doing before and are therefore jealous. But you cannot take that out on him, it's selfish and completely wrong. You want to use him for some stability while basically screwing around behind his back. Horrible.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondon't you think that if sex wasn't so good when you are not in a relationship so many people wouldn't be having so many one night stands? and having one night stands is right. and waiting is right. so why not just go and have some fun?
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (8 August 2010):
 Break up with him and sow your oats, and also seriously consider getting some therapy while you're at it. It sounds like you still have some baggage from past relationships that you haven't worked out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): Do you actually want to sow your oats? Or do you just think that's what it will take to make you feel comfortable with the fact that he's done it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): I think you should cut him loose. He deserves better than someone who can honestly justify cheating as if it's their entitlement. If you honestly believe what you've typed to be that of someone with morals and principles, than all you'll ever have is more broken relationships and more hurt. Because you haven't had much hot sex doesn't entitle you to break someone else's heart. You're obviously not in the right place mentally to have a fully functional relationship, so I repeat, cut him loose and set him free.
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (8 August 2010):
Shes one confused puppy and is taking her anger out on everyone in the wrong way! so the hell w/ everyone because she was hurt! well sweetie, you only allow what you allow in and it's your choice to throw out the bad and chalk the past off as the past and look better to a bigger and brighter furture not unless you just like playing head games? again you are confused and are only hurting yourself.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 August 2010):
 I don't know how you got the impression that sex lost its excitement and importance because he had sowed his wild oats. The logic wouldn't work on your side. If you had sowed your wild oats today does that mean if you come back to him the sex would lose its excitement?
If he's willing to find out what excites you, and he's already good in bed, you need to keep him. I found that the ones who are good in bed are usually keepers because they are mentally and physically fit, and they would go to great lengths to make a woman happy. When you do get to explore the world, you would find out a good loving man with good bedroom skills combined together, is quite rare.
I sense that there is resentment towards the inequality between men and women. Men could do whatever they want and be applauded by the number of women they slept with, while women had to respect their bodies and just wait and wait and wait. You waited for the right man, don't screw up this one, or else you have to wait even longer to find a better replacement.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (8 August 2010):
 It sounds to me like you are finally getting into an emotionally healthy relationship, and are looking for ways to sabotage your chances. (You are already trying to justice cheating on him, which is never a good sign).
Maybe you need to stay out of relationships for a while and spend that time with yourself, so you do not hurt others the way you allowed others to hurt you in the past.
-Frank Kermit
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