A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy on a cruise 2 months ago. We had this amazing connection unlike anything I had ever imagined. He told me he was 33 (i'm 23) because i was joking and saying how older men always hit on me. Turns out, he confessed a week later, he's really 43. I was taken back, but we continued to see eachother...traveled back and forth 3 hours distance on weekends to visit. During the week we talked and texted constantly. Although he's 20 years older, we are in the same life situations. Both divorced, both with 1 child the same ages. Only he was hurt much more by his ex...and i'm the first girl he's been serious about since his break up. a month ago he freaked out and said he wasn't ready for where our relationship was headed and we stopped talking for 2 days. I was heart broken. Then he called me again and said he was a fool and wanted to try again b/c what we had was amazing. Now...a month later...he's doing the same thing again. Except its been 4 days, and i haven't heard anything. he told me he needed to back off again and would call me after work to talk about it...i haven't heard from him since. I know that what we had was real and genuine...and mutually felt. And I understand he's scared and afraid of getting hurt again. He's also afraid that I will dump him down the road when he's old and i'm still in my prime. And he's afraid he won't be able to satisfy me because, as he says, he "has no passion left, just an old dry geezer with nothing left to give". I don't know what to think anymore. And i'm worried now that he's not talking to me. My feelings for him have only grown stronger as i get to know him, and I would do anything to be with him. He is such a good person and our chemistry is amazing. What do you think?
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divorce, his ex, older men, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009): After everything you have said here, I think he is feeling he is just not ready to get serious....I mean two months is not that long and there is actually a danger in having a great connection with a man right off the bat because what it means is that you have intense feelings and feelings are not about reality, in other words they are masking the reality of the situation, of the man, of your relationship. You won't see any faults because of your intenese feelings. He's been burned before, he knows he is not perfect or maybe he sees what you are seeing in him right now is not the real him.....so the thing is to slow down and take things as they come and don't go committing yourself so soon.....I know it is hard when you think you really have that connection....if it is real it will still be there in a few months or a year, but you will know him better and won't be so blind to the realities of being in a relationship with him....he is being cautious, but he also may be telling you something about himself, so I would try to listen to him, after all he knows himself and what he wants.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionagain, thanks everyone for your responses!!! So...i spoke to him today!!!! or rather texted. He apologized for ignoring me and said many things...basically expressing that he is intimidated by our relationship...that he's not ready for anything serious...but that he loves how we are together...he admires me...and that he's been living in denial because the whole situation was stressing him out too much. Basically keeping busy with work and stuff..."punishing" himself at the gym like he tends to do when something is really bothering him. We'll see what happens now. I'm willing to go slow and take a step back. I know he needs space, and right now I still like him enough to wait and see what happens. What do you think???
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis story is valid...i have been to his house several times, and I also spoke to his parents at length on a few occasions about his situation. His step-mom (who he is very close to) told me in detail about his past marriage, etc...and that he is just very afraid of moving fast and getting hurt again...but that he is always raving about me to her and that his feelings are very strong...
My gut feeling is that he is freaked out by the intensity of our connection and feelings for eachother, and is afraid of getting hurt again...Its like one week he would say "I dig you sooo much that it scares me! I'm crazy about you, and i'm so happy i met you and that you're in my life...and I just want us to grow closer and closer as time goes by..." Then the next week he's like "I don't know why you're so into me...i'm not that great of a guy...i'm not everything you make me out to be...I don't think i'll be able to be all that you need from me...Things will only get more difficult in time..." and so on.
I also think that the reason he's not getting in touch with me is because he knows that he'll get sucked back in once he hears my voice and he remembers how things are between us. (he told me this the first time he freaked). But still...he should have the decency and respect to communicate with me!!! I mean to just send a text saying "baby i think friends would be better than lovers for now...i'll call you after work..." and to never call and just drop it like that?? I"m bewildered.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2009): hi, i am be wrong but i think he is the one with the lies. you have been upfront with him. you are not the issue here but he is with the lies and inconsistencies.
con people always turn things around. they blame shift and get away with everything. he is not the man for you. please be careful. he seems like an unsavory character. take all that he has said with a pinch of salt. then rub this salt into his wounds. he is misleading you and driving you mad with inconsistencies.
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reader, AskEve  +, writes (18 May 2009):
 If he could lie to you about his age then he can lie to you about other things. Do you know for a fact he's single again? Have you been to his home? It could be that he made up the whole story and he's juggling you with someone else... (just keep an open mind.)On the other hand he might just not be ready to have a serious relationship after being hurt so much from the last one and thinks things are moving much too fast. How long has it been since his divorce? If this IS the case then you need to give him space, let him know you're there if he wants to talk then just get on with your life.Just remember, he is older than you are and could be (not saying he is) but could be spinning you a line! Get your proof!~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's been almost a week...still haven't heard from him. He's not returning calls or texts. I guess I should throw in the towel? Nothing has been more difficult...
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2009): Yes, it does hurt! Emotional pain is the worst pain there is.
Forgetting someone you love and care about is never easy. You don't have to make that decision today,though. Give it some time, You will know when the time comes if you need to "force yourself to forget him." Right now, just try not to love him so deeply. Go on with your life. Don't stop living for ANY man!
Good Luck!
Britt
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your advice Britt. I'm having trouble dealing these past few days. I don't know if we're on or off and he won't communicate with me whatsoever. I feel like it's 50/50. I don't know if i should keep loving him, or force myself to forget him. Either way it hurts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2009): Age is just a number if love is true!
But, he has some valid points. He has experience so much more in life than you have, even if you have been divorced and have a child!
You can't Make someone trust you. You have to earn their trust and that comes with time together in an open, honest happy relationship. If he is not willing to give you that time, you need to step back. Maybe he just isn't ready to risk it all again! He seems to keep coming back to you, so obviously, there is a connection.
Just be patient and see what happens. On the other hand, don't let yourself become his private plaything that he takes off the shelf when ever he feels the need. That will be damaging to you.
Good Luck
Britt
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