A
female
age
41-50,
*adMommy
writes:Well here is my situation. I was previously married to my high school sweetheart. We dated for 11 years and were married for 3. The second and third year of marriage was terrible. He worked a ton and so did I. I worked nights, weekends or day shifts. We rarely had time together. He was smoking pot everyday and using up our money and became very very moody. We fought constantly about it and other marriage type issues. I took a leap and took a lower paying job with a consistent schedule to help our marriage. Well that was no solution. It seems he hated me around more because he wasn't free to do what he wanted. Well at a work party I met a coworker who just melted me. He said everything right, he was attractive and very successful. After realizing there was other men in the world I asked my husband to leave our home and seperate. After I regained my life back with friends and happiness I filed for divorce within a few months. After the divorce was final I began dating my coworker. We went on awesome vacations together and he introduced me to some much I was missing out on. After almost a year of dating I found out I was pregnant. I quit the company and moved in with him. We now have the baby but life is not so good. I don't work but I am the only one taking care of our child. His family lives 20 minutes away but they really don't help out at all and when they do they don't listen to what I say and I end up coming home or canceling any plans. He works "supposedly" all day until almost 7pm everynight. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. He doesnt listen when I talk to help me with anything. If the house is not clean and dinner is not cooked I get verbal abuse. He thinks I sit home and watch TV all day. He makes plenty of references that I am over weight and he sort of joke play fights with me, but I always walk away with bruises. I need to leave and fix my life but it is just so hard. Am I wrong? Do I need help? I feel so depressed day after day.
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female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (1 August 2008):
 I am in the same boat, only, I have 2 kids, and do all the at home stuff. My sweetie works now all day, everyday. I used to be the breadwinner, but, he is now. The thing is, it is easy to feel like your job is harder when you don't get to see what it is your partner does when they are gone. Being a home maker is a 24 hour, 7 day a week job! We don't get to clock out at night. Although it is so hard, I try to imagine my husband stuck in the heat everyday, ALL DAY, wishing he could hold his children in the air conditioned home that he is paying for. It is a balance. We equally work just as hard as the other to create the family life we want. His herb smoking habit is like taking foor out of your childs mouth. If he smokes habitually, an 8th will last him maybe 2, 3 days, and cost $60 a bag. Very expensive!!! And it will cause him to lose his spunk. The only person who suffers from it is the baby. As far as him telling you he thinks you are lazy, let him know that you feel it is balanced. He dosnt (or didnt) have to change diapers, or feed the baby, or wake up late for it. It is hard! Sometimes, I don't get all my daily crap done in a day, or I may not want to fix dinner every once in a while, but I will be danmed if my partner tells me I am lazy because of it. I do my best to make sure he comes home to a clean house, has clean clothes to wear the next day, and has a hot meal waiting for him when he gets home. If he gives me crap about it, I am discouraged from doing it the next night. He knows, however, that my hands are full at home. I do EVERYTHING that dosnt have to do with bringing home the $, and neither of us complain because it is balanced. You need to discuss with him the options on how to make your relationship balanced. You can work but you will have to put the child in a daycare (which is very costly), he could work less, but the child will not be financially taken care of. You two could switch places and you could work. As far as feeling seperated from society, it is crucial to get adult contact when you are a stay at home mom. You will lose your mind. Go visit family, take the baby with you. Invite a best friend to stay with you for a week or two. And talk to your partner. It isnt fair how he is treating you. Good luck.
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (1 August 2008):
 Hi there,
I am really sorry to see you in this situation.
You seem very vulnerable at the moment and it really would be helpful if the people close to you could provide you with the support you obviously need.
Your husband hits you? but jokingly you say? this is a bit confusing as it suggests he still is teasing you ( which signals affection ) yet actually hits you hard enough to cause bruises. So it is unclear if there is actualy abuse going on here or whether he just play fights a bit rough ( which is still not acceptable)
My dear, what I think you really need is a fresh breath of air. Are you able to visit a close family relative for a couple of weeks? I think you need time away from your current situation to reflect on your life and determine what is best for you and your child. It will also give some reflection time for your husband, and a good start will be by you telling him that you need this time away as you are very unhappy and concerned about your future. He may be totally unware of the gravity of the situation.
All the best anyway, and good luck.
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A
male
reader, xray2112  +, writes (1 August 2008):
If you feel depressed everyday, you are on a very bad road. If all you have right now is no help with anything, verbal abuse and bruises, please, do yourself a favour and leave. Of course it's hard, it always is but you've got to look out for number one. It's obvious no one else is or will. It sounds like it's just going to be a matter of time before the verbal abuse cuts deeper, the "overweight references" beome more frequent and more real, and the bruises.... You want to be loved, cherished and adored. I think you know what you have to do, it's just a matter of doing it. If you get help are you going to have the support you'll need? Fix your life my dear,do what you know you should do.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (1 August 2008):
Aww I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. No, you're not wrong. It's not wrong to walk away from a relationship where you're being abused, it's just not right. I could definitely see it being difficult being that you're not currently working and you have a child to think of. If you don't have family nearby that can help you out for at least a little while, look into what programs your state provides. Free child care, food stamps, housing, etc. Although you may feel that is something you don't want to do, at least know that it is only for a little while to help you out. If you look in the phone book, I also think there's phone numbers that you can call if you are in an abusive relationship and can help you get out. The best of luck to you.
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