A
female
age
41-50,
*ovesomuchithurts
writes:I write this in tears. I have fallen head over heals in love with my friends husband. YES I KNOW THIS IS WRONG and HORRIBLE in everyway. I REALLY do love my friend. She is like a sister to both my husband and I. I've been married about 15 years and while it's not great, it's by no means horrible. They have been together 10. He and I only became close in the past few years, but I have had loving feelings off and on for him for about 2 1/2 years now. I've tried to stay away, but my friend begs us to visit. I talk to her alot and she knows every aspect of my life, except the secret love I have for her husband. I DO NOT want to have these feelings. I have done everything I know to do in order to avoid them. But they're still there and growing stronger all the time. PLEASE do not call me names I've beaten myself up about it more than any of your harsh words could ever hurt. We have been together 2 different weekends over the past 3 months. I am completly unsure of how he feels. He calls me his 'best friend' and texts/ calls me often. Never anything flirty or inappropriate. She is completely aware of this and is fine with it. She loves that we have gotten to be such good friends. Yet the last couple of times we were together he seemed so aloaf and distant. It's like he's happy to see me, but at the same time doesn't want to be around me. We chit chat and joke some, but when we are alone things are so awkward. I talk with him like all my other guy friends and try not to treat him any different, but it's in those instances that he seems most withdrawn. I don't think he knows about my feelings though. I'm unsure if he does know and is trying to make it clear he has NO feelings or if he is feeling the exact same way and is in the same boat as I am in NOT wanting to have the feelings. I can not just cut ties w/ them. They are too involved in our lives and cutting ties to avoid feelings would do the same amount of damage as if the feelings came out. Can someone help me figure out what he's feeling? How I can come to terms with my feelings? Should I finally break the ice w/ him and say all the unspoken words? I'm dying inside here.
View related questions:
best friend, flirt, friend's husband, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lovesomuchithurts +, writes (17 December 2009):
lovesomuchithurts is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I have had no contact with him now for almost a month. NO phone calls, NO text conversations, NOTHING. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't know if the feelings are gone or not. I don't know if I'm happy or not. I MAY see him during Christmas and I will either be like O.K. we're cool, there are no feelings here or I'm going to have an avalanche of emotions come rushing back. We'll see how it goes....one step at the time!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): Dear I totally understand how you feel as I am going through the same situation myself. The only difference with me is that I have been secretly talking and keeping touch with my friend's husband behind the back of my friend and my husband. The thing is we confessed our feelings to each other. It started with him approaching me in a different way through face book and I followed because I did have feelings about him which I had been suppressing. The contact through Face Book was never sexual only teenage like and emotional through exchanging songs with meaning and stuff. Then I got panicked about where this was going and then he got panicked but we brought each other back in the emotional affair. I kind of ended it with him 2 weeks ago as I got paranoid that he was only using me but it wasn't like that I think it was just me trying to protect myself from a horrible situation. However, I miss him, and I can see it in his eyes too, at his wife's party this Saturday he took me to dance a slow song but then soon after he let me go to grab his wife (he was afraid she would feel jelous). Thus i m not the best to give advice to you since i dont know where mine is going either but sometimes is better to talk to the other person and exhaust the situation eitherwise you will always be wondering and torture yourself over what it would be lie to be with him....
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009): good for you. at least there is progress bet you and your hubby.
reinvent the sex and the passion, it is hard but worth while. try sending him naughty messages and also try dirty talk. introduce some sex toys, a vibrator as well. IT WORKS! i too have been married for a long time, (18 YRS), yes, marriage gets boring, routine. but we have to work at it instead of looking for that other someone. sometimes we do not appreciate what we really have until we destroy it ourselves. by then it is too late and there are no second chances.
take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, lovesomuchithurts +, writes (1 December 2009):
lovesomuchithurts is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell it has been over 1 wk. with no contact. I REALLY am trying to get over these feelings! My husband and I went out for a date night, I have tried focusing all my love and lust on our marriage. I spoke to my best friend on Thanksgiving and have spoken to her a couple of times since, making me also realize how much I LOVE her and VALUE her friendship, above ALL ELSE! I've gotten a few texts, but have chosen not to respond. It's SO MUCH harder than it sounds though. I am trying to overcome my feelings, but I really don't want to lose a good friend in the process. I feel like I am making progress though and hopefully after a few months we will all be able to get together and I will be able to see us as just that --FRIENDS-- nothing more!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009): What is so sad is the way you describe your best friend/almost sister ‘because I know the bond we share is SO RARE and if I ever needed that shoulder to cry on at 3 A.M. she'd be in the car on the way to my house before I finished the sentence telling her I need her to come.” I will say it again, this bond/this friendship is PRECIOUS. What you are contemplating is , is actually CRUEL.
This woman is just so good to you, your KIDS and your hb. She seems to be a Godsend, taking care and loving you as her friend and as her sister. What will she do when she realises that there is an enemy in her home, all in the form of you. An enemy who wants to destroy her world, an enemy wanting to destroy her kids lives as well. how do you think she will re act. How do oyu face her. The one person she trusts most in her life, contemplating destroying her world. This is exactly what you will be doing if you continue to seek out her hb and if you also tell him about your undying love/lust for him.
Have you considered whether you are actually jealous of your friend. She seems to have it all – a happy home, kids, loving hb. She sounds like a good ,decent person. Are you envious of her? I think she seems to be well liked by others as well. her happy marriage vs your so called unhappy one. Is there an element of truth in you feeling jealous/envious, that now you want what she has.
You have no right professing this thing called love for your friends hb, if/when you do then see the ripple effects of betrayal and pain , and this hatred you would sow. Our children are our conscious , imagine destroying both your kids lives and the friends kids lives. And they will know that YOU destroyed their stability and family unit.
What have you done within this past week. Your words somewhat indicated that you would steer clear from this man, have you. Any email exchanges, phone calls, family meetings?? Have you put your words into action? How about your hb? What changes have been made with him. Have you both re prioritised your relationship as hb and wife? Code Warrior said it best with these words: “.........It will make your marriage better. It might even, heaven forbid, lead to a sexual encounter with your husband! My god woman! What am I suggesting here???? Sex with your husband you say!!! Why I never!..........”
I am not being nasty to you. Just calling you on your promise to stay away from your friend’s husband.
...............................
A
male
reader, Jim01 +, writes (24 November 2009):
Thanks for the update!
...............................
A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (24 November 2009):
 I'm glad you understand how much you stand to lose in this situation, but it sounds like you're still hanging on the belief that he is equally as torn up about the situation as you are. I only mention this because thinking this way will lead you to spend your life pining away for a man that you can't have instead of working on your own marriage.If you are sincere about wanting to preserve your friendships and avoid hurting all involved, stop analyzing his every act and word for evidence that he shares your feelings. Instead,look at how his actions (aloofness, withdrawal)indicate that he is only interested in friendship.
Here's some food for thought: if his wife is as wonderful as you say she is, what makes you think he wants to be with you over her? What is so special about you that he would fall madly in love with you, especially if he has not indicated to his "best friend" that there is some unhappiness in his marriage? The first step in getting over him is to let go of the fantasy; continue to focus on yourself and your family and let go of this fixation.
...............................
A
female
reader, lovesomuchithurts +, writes (23 November 2009):
lovesomuchithurts is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTHANK YOU all so much for your great advice and insight. I KNOW no good could EVER come of this. It would destroy so many lives. Our children would be equally devastated, especially hers, because they love my husband and I so much. I had to contact him today on business, but he has not responded, which is highly unusual. So I am going to try no contact with him for the next week or so. I truly believe we are both in the same boat. We have developed feelings for each other, but neither one of us want to pursue them. Neither one of us wants anyone to get hurt, even if it's killing us. I know we can't openly express these feelings because then it's out there and can't be taken back. Yet, at the same time I so much want to say I love you heart and soul, but I do not want to be with you or have you I just want these emotions out so they can quit eating apart my insides because I have to lie to myself so much. Or maybe it truly is just me. Maybe he's just a friendly guy that's taken it one step too far w/ me and is trying to back up. The only reason I don't see that as the case is I have never openly flirted with him, said anything overtly sexual or made any comment or gesture other than friendship in ANY WAY. I truly do not see how he could know how deeply I care because in his eyes I treat all my guy friends equally. So him just avoiding, becoming aloaf, etc. to a 'friend', especially someone he calls his 'best friend' just doesn't fit his personality. WHATEVER the case may be I am sooooo happy to have this outlet, so that now I am able to get some of these feelings out w/o anyone involved knowing or getting hurt. I am going to take this week to be EXTRA thankful for what I have here at home and for such an amazing friendship w/ my best friend, because I know the bond we share is SO RARE and if I ever needed that shoulder to cry on at 3 A.M. she'd be in the car on the way to my house before I finished the sentance telling her I need her to come. I'm going to put my family as TOP PRIORTIY and try to keep him off my mind and slowly begin to push him out of my heart.
...............................
A
male
reader, Jim01 +, writes (23 November 2009):
I've read all the other posts and I do think there is great advice below. SO I won't make this long.
I agree with Code Warrior about flirting with your husband at home and public, this will make you remember why you fell in love with him and married him in the first place..
I'd also like to add this advice. The next time your best friend (who sounds like a wonderful friend by the way)invites you over, why don't you suggest a girls night? Go to the spa, go to the bar, do something FUN with her.
This will make you realize even more that you cannot go through with an affair with her husband.
Reinforce your marriage and your friendship. Hopefully this will make you realize that maybe they are the 2 best things you have in this world and that you wouldn't give those things up even if George Clooney was standing in your door way. haha
I don't think you're a bad person. You're just confused about who and whats important to you right now!
Best of luck and keep us posted,
Jim
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): You have been in love with this guy for 2.5 years so I know our words will carry little weight.
You have to realize that you have fallen for this guy because he makes you feel attractive and young and you think he understands you better than your husband or even yourself but know this, he is just another guy and he is just like your husband in his deficiencies. You are looking outside of your relationship to fix it but the answer is within and it is up to you to communicate your wants with your significant other and to express to him how you want to be loved and shown love as he cannot read your mind, even after 15 years.
Kudos to the other responders as they have shown much insight into your predicament.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): Hey , please do not go down this path of ultimate betrayal. Your friend trusts you .she is like a sister to you and your hb. She will never survive if you and her hb cross these lines.
Please do not tell him your so called love feelings. Do not be selfish and please do not betray your friend. If you do then you are no better than someone with no blood running through her veins. Your marriage is unhappy therefore you are looking for an outlet to release this unhappiness. Clutching on to your friends hb is not the answer. They are married for 10 years, you for 15. Are you going to destroy two homes just to get your selfish needs fulfilled. If you are lacking sexual excitement in your own marriage start re investing in it. look for other avenues to fill this marital void. Marriage is hard work. Do not think it is easy. It is very easy to look outside your marriage. Just because your marriage is suffering do not try to take her hb to fill your void.
YOU need to take a step back and disengage your life from the friend and her hb. Stop meeting them so often. Just stop the interaction. Stop meeting and greeting and finding ways to be with him.
If you cross these lines you will never be the same agin. You will become something that you will not be able to tolerate. Your friend trusts you,. Even if her hb feels something for you , please please steer clear from this man. Stop seeking him out, being alone with him. Stop looking for signs that he too is interested. You are playing a very very dangerous game and everyone will be affected by your dishonesty. Lets say that he feels something for you. What they. A devastating affair? Is this what you want, just to be a side f*ck because you know this will amount to nothing. It is time to respect the boundaries of friendship and family. And it starts with you.
“We have been together 2 different weekends over the past 3 months. I am completly unsure of how he feels. He calls me his 'best friend' and texts/ calls me often. Never anything flirty or inappropriate. She is completely aware of this and is fine with it. She loves that we have gotten to be such good friends.” This sums it up, YOUR FRIEND, THIS GOOD WOMAN TRUST YOU WITH HER LIFE AND HER MAN. Why are you now his ‘best friend’ , now ‘his confidant’, w h y keep in touch with him via emails. Why are you running after him when you know what this would do to all concerned. You may not be outwardly flirting but you are TELLING him that you are interested. This is not the way a good friend and sister behaves. You are behaving inappropriately with your friends hb, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. Cut the emails, the texts messges, stop your EMOTIONAL AFFAIR ! Why are you talking to someone else’s husband for goodness sake. Instead of repairing your own broken marriage you are running after the friends hb. This is not fair!
My heart goes out to you but you have control over this situation. You are not powerless you can make a choice to either do the right thing or you can choose to destroy everything and everyone around you. Once you betray someone close to you, you can never go back. The few moments with your legs spread apart would not justify the hurt and devastation you will bring to friends, spouses, children and other close associates.
I implore you not to betray your hb and your best friend. Men come and go in our lives but true friendship is so hard to find. I think you have found it with your friend so please do not destroy her life. The ball is in your court, how you play this game is up to you. We always blame our poor hearts when we make our poor choices. It is not our hearts that cause the pain, the agony, the betrayal. It is US, OUR ACTIONS, OUR BEHAVIOUR. Pure and simple.
Lets Sum up:
“I've tried to stay away, but my friend begs us to visit.” LAME EXCUSE. You visit because you want to. You are not a child. She doesn’t force you. I think you do not need an excuse.
‘ I can not just cut ties w/ them. They are too involved in our lives and cutting ties to avoid feelings would do the same amount of damage as if the feelings came out.” This is hogwash and you know it. You are making so much of excuses. Show me one unselfish thing on your part to distance yourself from your friends hb?
“Should I finally break the ice w/ him and say all the unspoken words?” I was actually feeling your pain until I read this. Then I lost all respect for you. You want to destroy everyone by this selfish act. Unfortunately this is only your burden to bare. You Cannot comprehend being so utterly selfish by destroying your friends home. What gives you the right to believe you have the right to confess your undying love to this married man, your best friends husband.
You may feel that I am judging you, perhaps yes, but I am trying to also open your eyes to what you are doing. Stop the family interactions and stop the I’m interested signals. If you think you are dying now, what will happen when you betray all those around you.
I am not calling you names, but please do not become the other woman and destroy your friends home.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): I agree with all he good advice you have had so far, but I want to add my comments concerning him.
HE KNOWS.
He is friendly and open with you when you are in company because it's safe to do so: he is the opposite when he is alone with you because I believe he reciprocates your feelings but dare not trust himself to open up for fear of where it might lead, especially if he loves his wife.
Taking it any further would be messy. What you need to do is look at your marriage, save it if possible or end it if not.
Then review the situation?
...............................
A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (23 November 2009):
Whatever you do, DO NOT tell this man of your feelings. Based on his distance and the awkwardness when you are alone, I suspect he has an inkling of your feelings and they make him uncomfortable. He's pulling back because although he enjoys your company, he does not feel the same way about you. In my experience, a man who is interested in a woman makes his feelings obvious (flirting, touching, etc) and he's not doing any of these things.
It's natural to think you are in love with someone that you can converse with easily, especially when your relationship with your husband is less-than-stellar. The real issue is not that you are in love with another man, it is that you are no longer in love with your husband. Please take some time to evaluate your marriage to determine what is missing in your relationship. Maybe this guy exhibits qualities you wish your husband had. Maybe your husband is inattentive, and this guy pays you attention. Perhaps your envy the way he is with his wife. Whatever the root cause for your attraction, you must work on repairing--or ending--your own marriage. Don't destroy his.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): Ok can you be just friends? Or do you want something more? There are many types of love you know. Friendship is one of them, does it have to be romantic?
Are you ok in your marrige or is there something missing?
I think you need to have a real think about your life as a whole and find out what is missing.
I think it would be unwise to tell him because:
1. If he feels the same way then you both divorce and get together. Your friends will abandon you both and you will be those horrible two that people sneer at when you walk by.
2. He doesnt feel the same way and tells his wife who tells your husband, your divorced and everyone hates you again.
3. He pretends to like you back and uses you for sex. This happenes alot to Women so be careful.
My best advice would be for you to take a timeout. Make up some excuse to go away from your husband and friends for a while and rally think about what you want, I think you will find it isnt him
...............................
|
