A
female
age
41-50,
*odkablue
writes:I really do need help.6 years ago i split with my fiance because i felt he didnt care about me or love me very much. at the same time i was friends with another guy who i developed feelings for.i didnt do it intentionally so eventually i left my fiance who i had a house with and he kept the house.fast forward 5 years and the guy i left my fiance for has been a nightmare-i know i deserve it.he has bled me dry financially and i havent even had so much as a hug for the past 4 years.anyway i found out recently my first ex has got married-i cant explain it but i burst into tears. i have been like that for 3 months and its getting worse im constantly depressed and upset. its like i want to atone for my past actions as i never really had closure with him.im really scared what you lot are gonna say but here goes. im very messed up emotionally at the moment-im thinking of going to see someone. the thing is this sounds crazy but i want to apologise to my first ex-a one off email. i definitely am not looking to get back with him as the damage is done and hes married but i would like the opportunity just to say sorry one time and then i feel i can finally move on and leave all my mistakes including the recent jerk behind me but im very scared to contact him-its been so long. im scared of his reaction, scared of causing problems etc.i am a good person-i got myself in major financial trouble for this recnt jerk just to help him. ive made a major mistake. i know its impossible to get back with my first ex im not silly but please can i get some advice. i just want closure, please help
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (12 July 2009):
 Im not going to criticise you for wanting closure. It's generally something everyone needs when they have been through a traumatic event, whether it was their fault or not.
You could just write him a hand written note saying that you apologise for the mistake you made, it's weighing heavy on your mind and you need to be able to let it go. Wish him well for the future, then just leave it.
Perhaps some counselling would benefit you. It can help to talk to someone neutral about whats happened, just so you can unravel the events and why they happened.
I think the point you made about your fiance making you feel like he didn't care for you or love you is very poignant. Even if you had stayed with him, can you be sure it would have worked out anyway?? You must have had doubts about him at the time or else your head wouldn't have been turned to the other man.
If you do contact him to apologise, are you expecting a reaction? Do you want one?...because he probably won't respond. Men are like that...they are so much better at moving on and forgetting the past.
None of us know what decisions we will make in our lives and we don't know how they will work out. Don't beat yourself up about it. Your dissapointment is tangible through your words...I think thats enough for you to cope with.
Get some help for yourself. I can also highly recommend a relaxation class to ease your mind.
I wish you luck for the future.
Aunty Em xxx
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