A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey, so I'm having a big issue here in my relationship. I've been dating this guy for almost 3 months, and I'm starting to think that things are not going to get better. I met this guy on a dating website, right after my boyfriend and I of 11 months broke up, and I was tired of dating the jerks that I met in person. I thought online dating would give me a variety of people who were different. Clearly not, I now realize it's my taste in men that's bad.My boyfriend, let's call him Tim, has had a ridiculous past.He was adopted into a very very loving household (seriously, his parents are awesome.) but he takes advantage of it. Basically, he's abusive towards his parents. The way he treats his mom baffles me. The way he talks to her, I really want to slap him. He'll tell her to shut the f*** up, or threaten her, and she does nothing about it. She just laughs it off. I yell at him about it, and tell him that I don't appreciate how he disrespects parents. Especially my own. I had a rough childhood growing up, my mom had a bad temper and would take it out on my sister and I, when I told Tim about, he implied that I should have "stabbed" my mom. Like, wtf?! I told him that wasn't cool and we dropped the subject.He's been to Juvenile Hall twice once for breaking into houses, and for underage drinking or something like that. And he was told there that he was a sociopath, which he doesn't believe, but I'm starting to think that he really is.His ex's were abusive towards him, apparently, although I question if he was abusive right back, because he has told me before that he has no problem hitting a girl. His ex's all cheated on him, and that's left him with jealousy issues. He'll even question me if I stay up until 2 AM, he'll think I was out cheating on him, when actually I was doing homework.My ex, contacted me 3 months ago when Tim and I started dating, my ex wanted to get back together, but obviously I had turned him down. I told Tim about the encounter and he basically said that if he ever sees me talking to my ex, he'll either beat him up, or kill him. When he said that, I freaked out and stormed out of his house. Whether he's my ex or not, I will not put up with violence.He has no aspirations or goals for his life, he dropped out of college and could care less about what he does with his future. I'm the type of girl who has everything planned out. And he makes me feel bad about it, and basically shoots down every dream I have.He also last week called me crying (he cries A LOT) saying that I don't care about him, and asked me why I don't love him, it's only been 3 months. He then made me feel forced to say it, and every time I do, I feel sick to my stomach.Also last week, he cut his chest with a knife, and felt like he should send me the picture to show me what he did. I had no idea what to say, I just told him that he needs help.Finally, I can't break up with him. The only reason why I dated him in the first place was because he "tried" to commit suicide, and made me feel guilty if I didn't date him. And threatened that if I ever leave him, he'll actually do it. And I believe that he's not kidding, because he has shown me scars of where he's harmed himself before. I think he really would. And I'm scared to have that on my conscience.I hesitated with ending this thing from the beginning because I thought he was decent. He took me out to dinner, NEVER lets me pay, and he's the only guy I've ever dated that has a car, which are stupid reasons, I know. But I never saw this side of him until recently.I asked my friend what I should do, because I'm really scared of him sometimes. And she said that if it makes it easier, I should have him break up with me.I know that he hates religion, and my family is very very religious, but I stopped going to church years ago. He even said that if I ever did go back to church, he would end the relationship because he hates religious people. And he hates cowards more than that. I told him once before that I'm a coward with my feelings, and he almost broke up with me, but then decided against it.Guys, what should I do? I'm scared of this getting worse, and I want out. But I'm afraid of him hurting himself. And sometimes, he's not that bad, he is very affectionate, and loving, but I'm not the type of girl who is strong enough to handle this type of thing. He needs somebody more stable than me. I've had bad relationships in the past, and I'm just looking for something real that's not messed up.Is there something I could say, that makes it sound like I'm not blaming him?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (23 November 2014):
 Tell him that it's not working out and that you wish him well. No further explanations.
Any relationship which starts with a threat is bound to be doomed. He's just plain and simple blackmailing you into staying with him and he's scaring you on purpose because (a) he knows that you get scared and (b) he knows that he can use your fear into manipulating you to stay with him.
He's not just a coward OP, he's scum. Anyone who doesn't respect their own parents is just about the most deplorable person because I believe that if you cant be true to your parents then you cant be true to anyone.
Just break up OP and like the other aunts have said, don't do it in person. Enlist the help of family and friends, inform his parents that you intend breaking up with him and that his well-being is not your responsibility. Inform the police if you feel the slightest threat from him. Once you've told him that you're done with him, cut off ALL contact.
A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (23 November 2014):
 To add to what the others have said, his wellbeing is not your responsibility. Most likely he is using the threats of self-harm to contol you -- that's how he got to you in the first place. Even if not, even if he really is a danger to himself, your responsibility here is for your own well-being. As the others have said, get out of the relationship. If you want to go the extra mile then discuss your concerns about his mental state with his parents -- they are probably aware of it, or at least they should be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2014): Yeah. Do not break up with him in person.
Alert your family, friends and neighbours to keep an eye out.
He sounds dangerous to you and to himself.
Break up with him ASAP!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 November 2014):
 Call him and break up, DO NOT do it in person. Tell him you don't feel a "spark" when you are together (I would NOT tell him he actually scares and FREAKS you out) - that you have thought about ending it for a while. Wish him well, then CUT the contact 100% - that means BLOCK his number, remove, unfriend and BLOCK him on FB and everywhere else.
The guy is mental. And it's NOT your job to "fix" him.
DO NOT go into a long explanation, make the phone call short.
Honestly, I don't think ANY girl should date this guy.
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