A
female
age
51-59,
*oca99
writes:I'm in love with a married man and I'm married as well. I can't get him out of my heart. It's over a year now that I feel this way. I'm dying here, please show a way to stop loving him, please.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): I feel your pain. I am in exactly the same situation. I do not love my husband anymore. I love a married man with a family of his own. I never meant for it to happen but it did. I have tried to forget him but my heart keeps holding onto him. It just doesn't want to let him go. He feels the same way, I am sure, but neither of us has admitted our feelings. I think he would have an affair with me but I am afraid to go down that road, and have held off going further with him. It is so very hard when you are no longer in love with your husband, having to share your everyday life with him, resenting him for being there when all you think about and all you want to do is be with someone else. It feels like you are living a complete lie. You are suffering from emotional turmoil each and every day. I have tried to walk away and ignore him etc. but he keeps pulling me back to him.We both have feelings for each other and I am afraid it is just a matter of time before this progresses to the danger zone. I have no doubt it is a matter of when and not if. I haven't seen him for a month now but I think about him everyday. I will be seeing him again soon and he is in my life whether I like it or not. So cutting contact is not an option. I have tried to limit contact and even ignore him but I find it upsets him and I don't want to hurt him. My heart just can't do it. So, I feel your pain and understand completely. I wish I could advise you but you can't control your heart. : (
A
female
reader, Loca99 +, writes (29 August 2011):
Loca99 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI haven't had an affair with this man. I've just fallen madly in love with him and trying very hard to stop loving him. He's been a positive influence in my life and I have also been a supportive friend to him. I'm very sad that I can't have him in my life. It tears me up inside. He's the man of my dreams. Now I have to settle for being with someone I don't love as much, who doesn't excite me, who doesn't see the world as I see it. I don't know why this has happened to me and I hope someday to understand and see the "light".
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (11 August 2011):
 If you have been out of the affair for a year and are still hurting over it, then you are obsessing over the lover.
You can not just STOP loving someone. Hearts do not work that way.
When you chose to have an affair with a married man, you chose to complicate your life, your mind and your feelings.
(An affair is beyond just sex. Even if you have only had emotional longings for this man, you are having an emotional infidelity, even if your feeligns are not returned.)
Being married yourself, you also chose to complicate the integrity of your marriage and feelings towards your husband.
Like any addiction, you have to first acknowledge you have a problem. Ok, you did that here, but have you been to any professional counseling? Could it possibly be that you are unhappy in your marriage and this other man just fits the bill of someone you would rather be with?
Feelings fade with time, obsessions/addictions do not.
When you find your mind wandering to him, you need to replace it with a different thought or activity that will cause you to be distracted.
You break old bad habits with new, contructive ones. You got some good suggestions here..I agree with the one about having empathy for his wife.
But, I also think it would help if you respected yourself a little more and EXPECTED better of yourself.
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A
female
reader, tibob  +, writes (11 August 2011):
 Time is the greatest healer. Unfortunately, you cannot command your feelings. Your feelings are there, so it's no use trying to make these feelings go away. Does the married man feels the same way as you? It seems that you have been so deeply involved in this relationship that it's very hard for you to detach yourself from him. No matter how much you love someone, when you stop seeing the person, with time the feelings fade away. Believe me. It may be very hard at the beginning. You only have to give time to time. Let time heal you.
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A
female
reader, Loca99 +, writes (11 August 2011):
Loca99 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI never wanted this to happen. I never imagined i could love this way. My love interest doesn't have a clue about how I feel. He is attracted to me, I can tell, but he's not the cheating type. He's a very good man. He's everything I ever wanted in a man. It's so sad that he can't be mine.
I cry everyday and ask why in the world this happened to me. I'm living in hell. I can't distant myself now unfortunately, he's in my life everyday. I can't avoid him. When I've tried to distance myself and he just comes up to me. I'm sure we must be sending out some kind of vibes, because body language never lies.
I do feel for his wife, but I'm in love. It's indescribable and yet I know it's wrong. I know he's not for me...I KNOW...but my heart won't stop. I pray everyday for this to end...and sometimes I find peace for a few days, but then it hits me again.
I will try your suggestions. I will try my best. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Also I feel stupid for loving someone who doesn't feel the same way, at least I don't think he does.
As for my husband, I'm trying to give him a second chance to win me over. He's aware I don't love him anymore, but he doesn't have a clue about how I feel about the other man.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 August 2011):
 Think of it this way -- you are in an addiction with this married guy since you're unable to break away, and you know that it's what you need to do.
You also have a strike against you because society has always vilified the "other woman", not to mention you breaking the marriage with your husband if news of what you've been doing got out.
You must go cold turkey and weather the "love withdrawl". That means absolutely no contact whatsoever. Delete the phone number and change the email addresses.
You want to know how to "stop loving him"? That starts with empathy towards his wife. Betrayal like this is devastating, and if his wife has kids, how could you not feel something for them? Even moreso, if you're a mom yourself, nothing will systematicly send shocks through their system than a mom leaving a dad. This price is not worth it.
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A
female
reader, laceycraig  +, writes (11 August 2011):
there isnt one its very hard,
im not judging you cos i have been there myself and i told myself this 'we shouldnt get involved'.
but is hard isnt it no matter how happy you are at home some times things just happen that we cant control,
if your not happy at home you need to tell your hub its over but you must leave knowing your going to be on your own and thats how you want dont leave your hub for this other man cos he wont leave his wife for you no matter how much he says he will, if you leave to be own your own get your self together before taking things further between you and the other man going in with a clear mind you will know the risks you will no if things are going to end up messy and if your going to get hurt or if thing are going to work out with you two and end up happy together and yes it will be hard for you both at first if you do give it ago but its always the ones that work out when other tell you they wont
good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2011): You can't just stop loving him,there's no on/off switch
You can stop seeing him and stay out of this distructive relationship so the feelings fade, which they will
You can also stop to consider your husband in all this and if you want to stay with him or him you.
This is a hard road your travelling and will end in hurt. Stay strong and stick to your guns.We reap what we sow.
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