A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do. I'm 26, found out my boyfriend of 4 years has cheated on me 2 times, once each time with two different girls. He seemed so sweet and loving up until I just found this out. I have 100% concrete evidence, there's no doubt he did this.Obviously, this relationship is a lie or he wouldn't have SEX with two other girls. I'm in complete shock right now but the worst part is, as much as I HATE him for doing this, I can't stop thinking about how much I love him otherwise. Please, help give me the strength to despise him enough for doing this to me! And help me leave this horrible person!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2013): You need the strength to muster up to self-respect, dignity, and pride to be grievously offended and insulted by such contemptible, reprehensible and abhorrent behavior, and walk away with eyes forward and head held high.You need the stength to muster up the brains and backbone to realize that what you want to believe is him being "sweet and loving" is really him telling you what you want to hear, shamelessly playing to your ego, vanity and emotion so he can continue having sex with you.You need the strength to become a self-respecting, confident, assured independent woman capable of making it on your own rather than a grovelling, snivelling doormat who is desperate for any any kind of male attention because right now the only thing worse than a man who treats you like dirt is a man who completely ignores you.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (30 January 2013):
 Hi
I don't think you need help to despise him,just the strength to leave him.Even if you do hate him for a while its only natural,it will pass. Just think how he lied,how he treated you like a fool when you trusted him.
Then remember your young,have time to recover and meet a much better boyfriend,one who will be loyal and treat you as you should be,there are decent men out there.Get him out of your system then move forward.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2013): Having these feelings must suck when you want to hate him because of what he did to you but all you can do is is move on get rid of anything that reminds you of him, dont contact him and when you get feelings
about him dont try and push them out because this won't help instead you need to let them come but don't dwell on them and if they come let
them and distract yourself with something else and your do it.
Hope this helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2013): No, I won't help you become bitter and filled with hate. It won't do you any good.
The others are right OP, only a weak person needs hatred to let someone go. Just leave him because you know it's the only way you won't be hurt by him again and stay strong enough to do it and stay away.
Don't fill your heart with hatred or bitterness OP, that can backfire and stay with you, fucking up your life for longer and putting your future ability to trust people at risk.
Don't be that woman.
Ever see the quintessential lonely old cat lady? How do you think she became like that? Bitterness, hatred and distrust of others. You should never 'want' to feel that way and it's certainly not a solution to a problem.
Just do what you know is best for you and walk away.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (30 January 2013):
 Well my take on this is a bit different than most women.
I would rather my man do a one night stand with no emotionally involvement than have an emotional affair.
To me the emotional affair is worse.
Humans are mammals.... we are not biologically monogamous. We are socially monogamous due to religion and social constraints...
Clearly you are hurt and angry and betrayed as well you should be.
He LIED to you.
HE CHEATED ON YOU (I think of cheating as anything you can't won't or don't tell your partner)
You want to leave him because you don't trust him.
You want to leave him because he lied to you
Basically, if you do not wish to hear any excuses or rationalizations as to why he did this (and trust me after he has time to come up with some he will come up with a few that probably blame YOU for his bad behavior) then the best thing to do is contact him and say
"billy, I Know that you cheated on me with betty and susie and I know it was on xx/xx/12 and xx/xx/11 and I need you to know that this behavior is NOT acceptable in any way shape or form. There is nothing you can say that will fix it. Therefore I just wanted to let you know we are over and done and hope you can learn from this experience. Goodbye"
then you walk out of his life and you block him:
no phone
no email
no social media.
if he comes to your home, you call the cops.
That's actually the EASIEST way to end it.
It won't happen that way (it rarely does)
you could talk to him and hear his explanation.
were these cheats early in the relationship? If so I might consider forgiving and moving on... but trust is broken and will have to be rebuilt.
if they are more recent, well then I would just walk if you are able.
Despising him his not what you want. You want ambivalence... and that will take a good long time... probably a year or longer....
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 January 2013):
 May I suggest another (different) point of view?
You REALLY need the strength... but it's to FORGET ABOUT HIM... and get on with your life ON YOUR (OWN) BEHALF!!!
Don't let a lousy boyfriend linger in your head...... He's not worth it...
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (30 January 2013):
If you want to continue being cheated on, stay. Its that simple.
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