A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiOne evening I got a call from a girl saying to ask my husband who she is. I asked ... it is a work collegue who he has being having an affair with for 4 months. He said he ended it 1 month ago and didnt have sex. I believe him and he's promised not to see her or talk to her again. I cant stop the images of them together in my mind. He lived a lie for 4 months and I never suspected a thing.He is my whole world but should I walk away now to stop this torture - by staying am I prolonging the agony. If I leave it will be horrible and I will miss him so much - but will it stop the pain.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): Well, firstly, he did have sex. After all what's the point otherwise, and it lasted 4 months. What were they doing; drinking coffee? Secondly, after he has experienced it and her personality(!), he ended it. We believe this to be true because she rang you to let you know whats been going on. Speculations above as to reasons why have already been said previously.Thirdly, he has destroyed your life as you knew it and it will never be the same. Is it the end of your relationship? No it doesn't have to be if you don't want it to be. Think back over these past 6 months or so and see if you can identify changes in routine, in him, in his attitude towards you etc. Don't be a door mat. Dictate your terms for staying together and make him stick to them. Don't make it easy for him; make it difficult so he thinks twice about it. Unfortunately past behaviour is indicative of future behaviour, so you need to keep an eye on him. If he repeats it, then you have to think if want to continue in a marriage with a disloyal husband. You are young enough to have a fresh life. I feel for you and wish you every good luck.
A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (30 January 2013):
 I don't think that leaving him will help to ease your pain at all. Every single person on this planet is different, and you need to deal with the situation in the way that works best for you.
If your gut insticnt is to walk away, even though you love him, then thats what you have to do.
As a person who has been cheated on, I was my own worst enemy, conjuring up all sorts of lurid sexual images of my then girlfriend and the other man.
Years later, I can laugh about their affair, and have completely forgiven my ex, and sometimes think about her. But it took me YEARS to fully get over it, even though I was dating a new girl six months after I found out.
I believe she has only called because your husband ended things. If she had ended it, you would be none the wiser. That means you are far more important to him than a casual fling.
Remember that people who cheat are opportunists. If he loves you, and wants to make your marriage work, he will need to convince you that he will minimise future opportunities, which might mean changing company or career habits to keep your mind at ease.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2013): You are because he has took your trust away and although you love him you are just prolonging the torture and it will eat away at you until you can't take it anymore and leave and although it might be hard at first but it will get easier.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (30 January 2013):
 IF you have been married long term, if there are kids, if there is still love, if you are willing to forgive (NOT FORGET) and work with him, then perhaps you can save the marriage if you want.
Leaving will not stop the pain. Only the passage of time will stop the pain.
The question is do you want the pain of knowing he cheated on top of being without him and being alone for a bit or do you want to make the marriage work.
IF you do, I suggest couples counseling to work out the issues that led him to the affair.
I also suggest individual counseling for you to figure out if you want to salvage the marriage.
FWIW, my dad had an affair when my folks were married 25 years. His was a full blown mid life crisis... WHEN he got caught... (and yes it was someone at work) my parents separated. BUT my mom realized that she could forgive him. and did not want to live without him as she loved him.
They reconciled. My father never looked at another woman again as long as my mother was alive and sadly a mere 12 years later she died (in his arms with me by her side) of cancer. The affair changed them but it did not destroy them.
If a man is not a serial liar and/or cheater and it's a one time deal in a long term marriage then I don't always advise walking away.
Oldbag makes a very good point.. if she was JUST a friend at work you would have known about her. The truth is that she called you because she wants him... and figures you will roll over and die and he will go to her. So he's lied to you... and it's possible he's lied more about the sex thinking that it will bother you more if you know about the sex... for me personally the emotional affair is much worse....
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (30 January 2013):
 Hi
If he works with her he will see her,every day. He said they had no sex,so why did he not mention her,she would merely be a friend.
If you want to get past this and try to work it out HE needs to be 100% honest with you.The girl is clearly a prize bitch who wants him,hence the phone call.
If you leave then you can build a life without him,not have reminders of what happened.Ofcourse it will hurt,probably for a time,your in shock still.But get a support system round you, go through the pain and you will come out the other side stronger.You will be happy again.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (30 January 2013):
 It won't immediately stop the pain, it will initially hurt more, but I'm guessing you will immediately feel relief even if you are sad. Over time though, it will hurt less and it's the right decision. I don't see how you can forgive him for an incredibly long affair. So sorry this is happening, that's awful. Take care of yourself. Surround yourself with friends and family to help you.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (30 January 2013):
Im sorry for your pain. That said, the chances that your husband did not have sex with this woman is slim, and thats being generous. A woman does not call the house when she doesnt feel jilted, and a woman feels most jilted when she thinks she was used for sex.
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