A
female
age
41-50,
*liz.35
writes:HeartbrokenI'm hoping someone can day the right words that make me feel even a little better. My husband and I broke up a few mths ago after 19years of marriage, I've been left heartbroken. I thought I was coping ok until he told me he has a new partner, this has totally destroyed me, daily things I cant do, my mind wont stop thinking about him and how happy he may be with his new partner. I feel paralysed and totally heartbroken. I dont want to feel like this but I cant find the motivation to do anything.
View related questions:
broke up, heartbroken Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2019): I'm so sorry reading what you are going thru. The only thing that i can assure you is that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I've been brokenhearted way too many times and nevertheless I managed to get back on my feet with the help of my wonderful friends, councelling sessions getting back the love of my self.
If he has another partner, Good luck to him! You are worth it way more and at the end you will see that he lost the most precious thing in life that it was your love. Be strong. Now is the time to do all the things you couldn't do when you were with him. Take good care of yourself and prove him that he didn't leave you. Prove him that he did a favour to you when he set you free again. Go out and renew your self! IS a wonderful opportunity! Be happy. Be strong!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2019): You're going to come-out a much stronger woman for this. You are now free to find someone better. It may take time; but freedom and independence is sometimes needed to rediscover yourself. Reach deep into yourself to find untapped potential. If you're a wimpy type of woman who needs a man to survive; now is the time to test your mettle, and see what you're really made-of.
You needed this. You can't see it now, because you're somewhat in shock; and resentful that he moved-on so easily. I said you needed it; because you may have been holding-on to residual-feelings that needed to be severed once and for all.
This was rotten timing; so now getting the news hits you in all of the most vulnerable and sensitive areas of your emotions. It was hard enough facing the fact you had to end your marriage. Now this???
After ending any relationship, there are always unresolved feelings, unresolved issues, and a craving for some kind of closure. Nineteen years of marriage is a long-time, and a big chunk out of your life. Almost half your life, if you're in your 40's. You are still in the midst of coming to terms with being separated; but he instantly went-out and found himself a new partner. Poor idiot, she thinks she found herself a man. She's in for it!
You'll fare much better than he will in the long-run. Here's why. You are undergoing the necessary emotional-detachment process, and experiencing your grief. You are painfully dealing with the loss at the moment; but you need to go through the grief to get to your emotional-recovery. He's so busy trying to show you he can replace you, he's mucking-up some dumb female's life! Yet this is going to hit him all the same. He can delay the feelings, he can be vengeful; but he had to have felt something at one time for you. If he is a narcissist, perhaps he's feeling his jollies knowing how much this is upsetting you. Don't let-on!
Take it all in-stride. Even if you've sent-out a news-alert all over town that you're floored; it's not too late to put on your fake-face. You have to, for the sake of your dignity. Don't be a wuss! You've got this, sweetheart! His objective is to kill you with humiliation. He looks like a total dick! Kicking you while you're down doesn't make him a winner, a stud, or a hero. Just a dick!
Only he knows what's in his head, and in his heart; but we can only speculate as to what he might be thinking, or going through. He yanked off your band-aid while the wound is still fresh, then sprinkled on some salt to get a burn. Get your mother and some close lady-friends together to console you. Then you've got to behave like a grown-woman. Life hits hard sometimes; but we've got to survive regardless!
Some men deal with breakups and separations by getting someone to be a replacement. Sometimes that replacement was already on the sidelines; and you're just getting wind of her existence. That means that he had a head-start getting over the breakup; and she may have been his backup all along.
Unless he has nerves of steel and a heart made of iron; he may have been over your marriage for years.
You're the one suffering the loss; so now that you know how easy it was for him to find your replacement, use that as fuel to expedite your recovery and move-on.
Suffering over what he's doing isn't going to help you any. He may have a bit of vindictiveness in his spirit that makes him want to hurt you; but I am advising you not to give-in, and give him that satisfaction.
It is what it is! It is over, and he has yet to deal with the loss. It is hurting him more than he'll ever let-on, but that's irrelevant. You're the one hurting now!
Pardon my terminology here; but your "replacement" is in for a big surprise. Unless they were already in an ongoing affair; she is going to have to deal with divorce proceedings, division of property and asset hearings, and the tensions of unresolved emotional-issues that lead to your breakup. She's a bed-warmer, but he's a potential disaster just waiting to happen!
He might be a very cold-blooded man, but trust me...this will all catch up with him. He's showing his spitefulness by letting you know he's found somebody else; but that person is simply a pawn in all of this. If you can't deal with this and you're ready to drown; that was what he had hoped.
Let yourself deal with the pain and emotions. Then you have to stop being a wimp; and dig down deep for some inner-strength. Get some counseling from your religious-leader, or stop by a random church, synagogue, temple, or whatever; and just ask to speak to a minister. Just for some comforting and prayer. Then you should also get some grief-counseling or therapy to help you to pull yourself together.
You can't fall apart over someone who seems to be getting over you so much more easily. Your marriage has been in trouble a long-time; and you've probably buried yourself in denial. Trying for years to change him to make him be the man that he isn't; or trying to be the woman that you're not!
Many times, women will hold-on to a rotten excuse for a man, no matter what; but will refuse to accept that they should have let him go years prior. They just keep holding-on, until he destroys them.
Foolishly, they pretend a terrible marriage was anything but what it was...terrible! They insist on loving someone who doesn't reciprocate their feelings; or who has a history of violence, cheating, or abuse. Nobody sees what she sees in him; but if you could be a fly on the wall, you'd wonder what all these emotions are for. The man is usually a skunk and a weasel. But....she loves him!
Well, he's over you; so you may as well get-over him!
Read the following when you have time:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-got-dumped-and-i-know-how-.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-does-the-dumper-feel-after-dumping-you.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/when-will-i-finally-get-over-the-breakup.html
I wrote these articles after I got dumped. I got blindsided. We didn't fight, never argued, and just out of nowhere he told me it was over.
You need some distraction. Just read at your leisure. It might make you laugh or cry. I laughed and cried as I wrote them.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2019): Hi LizTo me it doesn't matter how long you have been with someone if you love them then losing them in any capacity is devastating. My childs father left me when she was a baby and I honestly thought I would never get over it. I clung onto the hope he would come back for a long time.What actually helped me move on was when he got married and I know then it was time to move on. What I feel looking back was I wasted a lot of years hoping he would change his mind and I lived my life in limbo. It might not help you to know that but you know 19 years is a long time, it was not a failure but for reasons between you both it ran its course. You're clearly a woman who is loyal and loving, please give yourself time to grieve the loss and to accept it but please dont look back as I did and regret years of never allowing yourself to move on.I met the love of my life 18 years after my childs father left me and I was 44, your age is irrelevant, you CAN be happy again and move forward. Best of luck I wish you well X
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 July 2019):
 It's OK to feel shattered, betrayed, heartbroken and confused.
If you had NO idea that he was seeing someone on the side, it's NO wonder you feel the way you do!
While you NEED to take some time to process the loss and mourn the end of the marriage, you also KEEP needing to put one foot in from if the other. However, LIFE do go on.
YOUR life is NOT over. Your marriage is.
Reach out to family and friends, not to talk smack about him but to help you see there you can rebuild and move forward.
You soon-to-be-ex might SEEM happy but that doesn't mean YOU can't be that too at some point. Whether he is happy OR not, is now NOT important. WHAT is important, is that you KNOW that 1. it's OK and normal to feel the way you do. 2. this too will pass.
Maybe consider a therapist to have someone to TALK it over with.
And then MAKE a plan for the NEAR future, such as FILE for divorce. Make sure you have ALL YOUR important papers. That you HAVE a place to live YOU can afford on your own. "After a divorce, household income drops by about 25% for men and more than 40% for women, according to U.S. government statistics."
Make sure to create an inventory of assets. Selling your shared house MIGHT be financially beneficial for you. OR have him buy you out.
KNOW your debts - yours AND his and shared debt.
GET a lawyer. Have him help you with what would be BEST for you, financially. Should you take monthly alimony or a lump sum payment? For instance, and tax returns etc. Whether you should roll over HIS (or your) IRA (401)
If your health-coverage was THROUGH your husband, you NEED to get your own.
BUDGETING is also important.
I know it's hard and you feel paralyzed right now. BUT you NEED to consider that YOUR life goes on. This is just another beginning.
If you can - FOCUS on the nitty gritty, it might just help you keep your head above water.
*hugs*
YOU CAN DO THIS.
...............................
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (10 July 2019):
 Hello Heartbroken...
Sorry hear about you situation. It can hard to move on after 19 years plus of invested time and effort...That be said, let ask you these questions that you can answer foe yourself.
- Have you learn anything from your marriage that you can apply in your next relationship??? Yes I know you do not even have that on your mind right now, but it is something you will need to think about. Your marriage had some issues, and you do not want to repeat them again, or have them repeated on you.
- Now for you...He stuck around for 19 years plus. That did not happen by chance. You must have been a hell of woman to keep a man around all those years. If not, he would not have married you.
- Do not sit there thinking how much happier he will be. You are not dead, and I am sure you some serious I AM WOMAN skills to make any man want to be by your side. You are just blindsided by all that is going on.
- This may have happen to get him out of the way, for the real man you will spend the rest of your life with. Can't be with the right man if you are still with the wrong one. Life has a way of doing things we do not expect, but works out for the best in the end.
- If you are weak in a crisis, then you are weak indeed. This is no time to be weak or become weak. You didn't spend the last 19 years of your life putting up with someone, only to be tossed aside like trash...To hell with that!!! He was part of your life, but he was not, and is not your life. You were alive before you met him...You are alive after he left, and you are sure as sun rise will be alive long after. Not only are you alive, but now...You are going to really LIVE.
- He wants to throw hard times in your face...You say BRING IT!!! I have been strong for 19 years, I will be even stronger without you dragging me down. Go have a good life...because I plan to have great one.
...............................
|
