A
female
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anonymous
writes:In the process of a divorce. I am allowing my husband to keep our home, but asking that he re-finance to buy me out of my 1/2 and to give me 1/2 of his pension plan because we live in a community property state. He is having a meltdown saying he cannot afford a higher house payment and I am torn between doing what's right, being fair and having the means to support myself. The house appraised for $285,000.00; He currently owes $75,000.00 on the house, so I'm asking that re-finance for $175,000.00 which will pay off the existing $75,000 loan, and give me $100,000.00 to put down on a house for myself. It will raise his payment from about $900.00 to around $1,600.00 per month but he makes $3,000.00 and has virtually no other bills except utilities and food. We have no children. He is crying and making me feel horrible, saying that if he loses his job he'll be out on the street. I tried to say he could always pull out some of his pension money and pay off the mortgage if that happens (which I doubt it actually will). He's offered to give me more than 1/2 of his pension instead but I can't touch that money until he retires in 15 years so my attorney doesn't think that's too wise. Some of my friends say it's just a ploy (the crying and acting hysterical) but I know he is emotionally unstable. What do I do?....I need some neutral advise.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2010): Honey, don't listen to bitter spinsters to just want to project their own angry experiences onto you. You're on the right track. Just tune out the negative hype and listen to the Aunts who have compassion. Best of luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2010): You need to remove yourself from his emotions - eventually you're going to have to fully to enable yourself to be with another guy. Start now. Speak via a lawyer / solicitor and realise that if he really can't afford his house he must downsize. It is all a ploy to stop you in your tracks. Nice try - but you will be the mug if you let him do this to you. His tears are 'crocodile tears' I'm afraid.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2010): if you are the same woman who has been posting about your impending divorce:
you are lucky you are still entitled to HALF your hb's assets even though you walked out on him 5 years ago. Why? you had grown apart and needed to find yourself(?) you used him for 15 years and want to make certain he bleeds financially. enjoy your 50% but you know that you are not entitled to it.
yet another man screwed over by his wife. i really really feel sorry for him. you may not want him but you are certainly not shy to lay your hands on whatever you can find. legally you are entitled , morally not a chance. Rememeber YOU abondoned him, you walked out because you outgrew him.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (14 January 2010):
you are being manipulated. My ex did the same crying and acting unstable until I overheard him talking to a friend (I had planted a listening device) about how smart he is. Do what's best for you. Keep your emotions out of it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2010): First, stop talking to him and let your attorney talk to his. Take the emotions out of it, get it DONE and go one and live a good and happy life.
You have the math correct, and here are the options:
Cut you a check for the retirement money and the house. Retirement money happens NOW (NO OPTIONS), house can either happen as you describe -or- you put the house up for sale, pay off the loan and split the proceeds. WHO SAID he has to keep the house???
It's stupid of him to give up one more dime of his pension money as he's going to be TAXED on it at a HORRID rate. I believe that he can transfer you your portion as part of a divorce w/o a tax penalty. HOWEVER, if he cashes out so as to avoid the refinace then the tax man is going to come take a healthy chuck (30%?) of the money before you get it... which he'll have to pay not you.
You need to get 100% of your money ASAP, the ONLY reason to defer ANY money is till an asset is sold. Your attorney needs to draw up a very specific time line and terms of the sale. Set up rules that can be measured and force your ex to perform- and then cut your ties.
this is both fair and reasonable and you have NO REASON to feel guilty.
Now, more thoughts... if you were to cut this STUPID deal that in 15 years he'll give you a chunk of money...
You can't protect your money- what if he disappears?, remarries?, liquidates his 401K (my ex-wife did this, but I paid her off, not the other way).
What if he goes an takes a loan against the 401k... too many "what if's"- this is REAL MONEY your talking about and you need to GET IT, or be prepared to TOTALLY FORGET about it.
Do what's right for you- get the money, divorce him and get him out of your life.
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (14 January 2010):
 You need to look out for yourself here and splitting the assets in half is the fair thing to do. It's hard to judge his reaction since I don't know if the divorce was mutual or not. Its a very high possibility that he is just trying to do whats best for him at any cost.
You can care about him but now is the time to put him aside and take care of yourself. A house isn't cheap and you need somewhere to go asap. Don't let his tricks work, he'll be fine with what you have suggested.
Good luck to you, I hope this helped.
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