A
female
age
30-35,
*ellecko89
writes:I started seeing someone in February of this year, it's been going really good, no complaints about anything at all, except that I need some suggestions/advice/guidance when it comes to sex. We have had sex twice, and it's been really good, except that I have a really hard time finishing (with anyone). I think I've only ever orgasmed once with someone while having sex/fooling around (I know... sad), I have not orgasmed with this new guy...yet (hopefully that will change).So, both times that we've had sex, it's been really good, we both really get into it, then he ends up orgasming, and then because I haven't yet he works on me (which is great, never been with a guy who actually cares to help me out...even after he's already orgasmed). So, I mean, I know myself pretty good, I honestly think the problem is that I'm always too inside my own head, I get a little shy or embarrassed and maybe that's why I'm having such a difficult time letting go/relaxing enough to orgasm with him? I like everything that he does but for some reason I just can't get to that place, and I find that I have this narrative that starts in my head, sometimes even before sex happens, like: "okay, today is the day, we're gonna relax, an orgasm is going to happen!" or "okay, stop thinking so much about what you look like, just let him please you" or "why can't you make this happen!"... so, the self talk starts to get pretty stressful... I really like him, and everything feels good, and I don't want him to be disappointed if I don't orgasm, and I really don't want that to be the reason it doesn't work out between us (IF it ends up not working out). Maybe I should talk to him more about other things I like? I get so embarrassed talking about sex though, so that's another problem. I'm really looking for everyones help and suggestions, has this ever happened to you ladies? or, men, have you ever dated someone who you had difficulty orgasming?We haven't been able to get together since the lockdowns started during this pandemic, but we've maintained our connections and talk regularly and have chatted about when we get to see each other again. So, I want to be prepared the next time I see him, with some ideas about how I can tackle this bedroom challenge... Thank you to everyone for taking the time to read through this, and please ask any questions and share any ideas you may have.
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female
reader, Vellecko89 +, writes (21 June 2020):
Vellecko89 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to first say thank you, to Fatherly Advice and the anonymous reader, for taking the time to read my question and give such thoughtful responses. I truly appreciate it. I did see a 3rd response before, I'm not sure where it went, but I also very much appreciated that too, and I apologize for not responding sooner. I don't get too much free time to myself, and I wanted to have quality time where I could sit down and properly take in your replies and give a proper appreciation back to you.
You're very right about requiring open and honest communication. On my second date with him, we actually went to a board game cafe and ended up playing Never Have I Ever, which was such a great ice breaker, we shared some pretty funny and otherwise embarrassing stories, but it was such a fun time learning silly, and sexual, things about each other, in a really fun way. We kissed for the first time that night. He made it so easy to share those embarrassing stories, cuz our date was just so light and fun. I'm definitely going to continue to open myself up more when we're in the bedroom; and the suggestion of giving some encouragement even just by sounds or telling him when I want him to continue doing a certain thing, if it's feeling especially good, I think that step could really open me up more and more each time.
As we've had about 3 months of just texting/phone calls, I have to say, I can feel myself becoming more and more comfortable, not just about him, but about myself. What I mean by that is, when the lockdown first started, and I knew we weren't going to see each other for a bit, I felt myself get super insecure, was he still going to want to see me after however much time passes? Will there still be a connection/attraction? Will we maintain communication? So, in the last 3 months I've done a lot of work on my mindset, being patient, and relaxing. I've chosen to look at this time as a very unique opportunity to see if our connection is maintainable, as I've had many poor relationships in the past, which all moved too quickly, looking back there was very little quality time spent getting to know each other and building a friendship and respect. But with his new man, we've continued to be communicative and check in with each other frequently and still ask questions about each other. It's giving me a lot of confidence that when I do see him again it'll feel like we've built what seems like a firm foundation. And after reading both your replies, and realizing that there is so much to learn about a person and, in particular, what pleases them in the bedroom, that it's totally okay for this to be a slow learning process. I feel like you've both helped me lift that insecurity and that pressure off myself, the expectation that I have to be on my orgasm game right from the start and every single time without fail. But, that's not how real life goes sometimes... right? I believe that when I see him again I'll feel much more relaxed, continuing to learn about him and building respect outside the bedroom is really lifting my confidence level.
Sorry that was so long, I feel like I went on a bit of a ramble. But, again, thank you both so much. I feel really good about this now, there is no need for me to put myself under so much pressure.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2020): Something that you said in your post made me think. You said that you have rarely had a man TRY to please you and you seem surprised that any man would try after they have cum themselves.
I think it is the sexual experiences that you have had that have led you to believe that you aren't orgasmic. Or have difficulty. We'd ALL have difficulty achieving orgasm if we were with a man who didn't care to please us.
This man you're with now, sounds as if he wants to please you. So the first box is ticked! A very important box. I cant help thinking that you have been conditioned into thinking that you have a problem cumming because of the men you have been with so far.
Do you masturbate and cum? Then you can achieve that with this man, if he knows what you like. If you're uncomfortable talking about sex, then one way to communicate what you like is to let him know when he does something that pleases you, by the sounds that you make. Encouraging sounds that he will love to hear. If you're 'really getting into it' as you said, then that might be an easier time to mention what you like. When you're both excited, you could whisper what you'd like him to do, or what turns you on. That would add to the experience anyway. Also, think about a fantasy that turns you on when he's pleasing you. If you haven't had many men try to please you during sex, I wonder, do you know it can often take a long time for a woman to orgasm? Any man who knows what he's doing, will know that he sometimes has to be willing to play for a good while before he can bring a woman to climax.
Ask him to slow it right down, suggest a scenario where pleasing you could take place over many hours. Getting you excited, then taking a break and coming back to it later. Thereby taking the pressure off you to orgasm during any one particular session. Or suggest this to him, if you can, again perhaps when you're both a little heated, that he brings you close to orgasm, but then changes to a different erogenous zone, (whatever else you'd like him to play with) so, again, pressure to actually cum is lifted. Then he raises the heat again, but changes again when you start to get close and he then builds an orgasm for you that way. I had a partner who did this and it would have been impossible not to cum.
If you can bring yourself to play with yourself while he watches, he will see what kind of pressure you like, the speed etc. This might embarrass you at first, but just remember that it will be something that he would LOVE to see happen.
And don't forget that you've only had sex twice. It takes a while for both people to tune into the other one, to get into an understanding of what works and what doesn't.
Good luck and I hope that something I've suggested helps!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (15 June 2020):
 Vellecko says "I get so embarrassed talking about sex though, "
yea, that. it's pretty common. No amount of wine or meditation is going to transfer you knowledge of yourself to you man. You get used to talking about sex, by talking about sex. A successful sexual relationship requires open honest communication.
My partner was skilled at finding her own orgasm long before we started sharing sex. The first time she got there, and I didn't. the second through 6th time were about the same with new positions, new timing, and so on. Until she managed to catch me up. It took time. synchronised orgasm is still rare in our relationship over 30 years later.
The really sad thing was that after 20 years and 4 kids, she suddenly got all embarrassed about talking about sex. So we are back to the beginning all over again.
with the forced infrequency of your relationship now, you are unable to get the physical practice you need, but there is no reason you can't practice talking. Just like sex there are going to be some gaffs and giggles. just like sex you will have to work past all of that.
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