A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:The last four years of my life have been a world wind. I was in an abusive relationship which he was charged twice for assault and I still never had the power to leave. The last 2 year of the relationship (what I know of) I was cheated on repeatedly still didn't leave because I convinced myself no one else is going to want me. I was miserable and lonely. I managed to complete my degree and teacher training through the Craziness and in the last month I plucked up the courage to leave regardless of the consequences or the backlash I could face and it’s has been the best decision I’ve made. But now I can’t help but think I’m the problem, my prior relationship followed the same toxic pattern of being hurt and cheated on when I only ever gave 100% to them. Now I know I want to take some time out for myself but I love the company of a partner and now I’m lonely, my most recent ex destroyed all my friendship bar a couple I fought to hold on to at a great cost but I can’t talk to them about any of what I’ve endured over the last four years because I’m ashamed that I wasn’t strong enough to leave. I just lie in bed wishing that there was just one stranger to confide in without judgement hence why I’m here . Instead I’m left with my own thoughts and have to battle with the idea that maybe it’s me maybe I’m the problem. Surely I can’t have been that unlucky twice and have 2 very similar relationships full of hurt with 2 extremely different guys.. thanks for listening, Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2020): Gosh OP, I think that you are a strong woman, and congratulations on finishing your degree program, even during the rough times, and I am thankful that you had the courage, to end that abusive relationship! You surely did the right thing, ending that! Now please listen to me: NO! NO! NO! NO! It is not you, who caused anyone, to abuse you!! Don t you realise, that GOD gave freewill, to every man and woman? There is NO reason for a man to verbally, emotionally, physically, psychologically, or sexually abuse ANY woman!! No matter what you may do, he can seperate, pack and leave, breakup, take a time out, or file for divorce, but he has NO right to abuse you, and that is under both GODS LAW and mans law!! Please DO NOT ever forget this Hon! May GOD BLESS You!! Xx
A
female
reader, Vellecko89  +, writes (22 June 2020):
Hi there,
I can see you've already got some great detailed responses, but your post really hit home for me, I felt like I was reading my own words when I came across it.
I have said the exact words you have written, about wondering if, all this time, in these multiple relationships, maybe the problem was 'me'. I used to say to myself, "if I'm such a good person then why did I seem to bring out such a horrible side to these men? were they really bad? Or was it me some how?
I learned something at the beginning of this year, when I found my way out of a relationship, that was toxic, but also one that I had been convinced of, for 2 years, that this was the man I was going to marry. Well... it didn't work out that way. But, after some deep reflection, some journaling (which my best friend encouraged me to try), and some research, I learned that some people just aren't good people, and that's it. The behaviour of those men who you were in relationships with, were never for a second a reflection of who you are, because... some people just aren't good people.
Your were not the reason they treated you bad, they're disrespect and lack of care, their insecurities are the reason they treated you bad. The fact that you are asking yourself if the problem was you, tells me that you are a selfless person, and you care about people, no matter who they are, and that is a very beautiful quality, I hope you never lose it. But, the other thing I learned about myself, which has helped me with men I have met since this last toxic experience, is that what I did lack was an understanding of healthy boundaries. They don't teach you these things in school, unfortunately, and I don't know if this is going to make any lightbulbs go off for you, but when I did some research about healthy boundaries, and reached out to male friends who I trust, and I looked at their behaviours and how they treat me, it was in those moments that I realized how much of the good things I bring out in someone, when there is respect, and consideration, and patience. That's what these male friends had that my past relationship partners didn't.
I don't know if any of this is making sense, I'm trying hard to keep things very simple and clear because I know, in my own experiences, how it has felt to ask myself the exact same questions you are asking yourself, and you deserve to be loved the way you show love to others. You aren't the problem, you just need to work on trusting yourself more, build your instincts, work on what healthy boundaries look like for you. If you take some time to be patient with yourself and show yourself the compassion that you've shown these men, things will fall into place, slowly.. and with a lot of work, but they will.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2020): Women and men who find it difficult to leave abusive-relationships often assume part of the blame for the abuse on themselves. Don't confuse normal problems couples have and human-imperfection with being a victim of violence, cruelty, and verbal-abuse!!! Yes, you have your flaws; and, God knows, we all do!
There is not one existing relationship on the planet; where each individual within that relationship does not do anything wrong, say something wrong, or makes some sort of mistake that causes disruption or disagreement at some point or another. It's normal!
A ruthless brute who beats and abuses women is a coward. There is something in himself he can't stand; and he punishes you because he hates that you can see it in him! He's out of control, and your only mistake is being in the way of it!
If you want to own any responsibility; take only responsibility for your choices. Learn how to embrace and enjoy your own independence. Relationships should not be used as a sanctuary; or a hiding-place from adult-responsibility. You have to allow yourself to mature and face the challenges of life. However difficult that may be. Don't view being single as isolation or banishment. You use relationships to lean-on, that's not what they are for. It's a two-way exchange of love, respect, honor, faithfulness, and kindness. You will disagree; but learn to compromise, forgive, and admit when you're wrong! Stand-up for what is right, and leave when you've met someone who is always "right!" They are definitely the "wrong" match!
You don't seek shelter at the mercy of people you think will protect you. Learn more about what is considered aggressive male-behavior; and know the difference between masculinity and aggression in men. Many women think "machismo" and excessive brutishness in men makes them strong and powerful. Nothing wrong with a tough-guy, or a confident-man; as long as he knows how and when to be gentle. Men are not supposed to act like mindless-animals; and they are supposed to be able to control their tempers. If you dismiss and allow excessive yelling, cursing, and throwing things about...you are also enabling, inviting, and accepting aggressive-behavior. You will eventually become a victim of this brutality and aggression; because you are not physically able to protect yourself. You'll see too much of it, because he can't control it!!! You will be intimidated from seeking help; and you will become conditioned to protecting him after reporting the harm he has done to you.
He'll cry crocodile-tears, plead, and swear he's sorry! He'll make it somehow your fault! He'll beg for forgiveness! He will also do it again...and again...and again! As you now well know!
You should never speak lowly or belittle yourself. That is when and how you psychologically-condition yourself to believe you deserve to be punished and mistreated. In-fact, belittling yourself with negative self-criticisms like: "I'm so stupid!"..."I deserved that!"..."He's too good for me!"..."I'm not good enough!" Repeating these things to yourself is a curse! You'll make them come true; because whatever words come from your heart are what you believe. Nor should you forever carry old-time insults in your heart and memory that were said to you by your parents, kids who bullied you, or during your worse high school years; because you have to learn that all that is said to you and about you isn't true. People say hurtful things, because there is something wrong with THEM! They are damaged, they are the one's being cruel...so how are they in any position to evaluate, assess, or validate you??? Point one finger, three point back!!!
You must seek professional therapy for your trauma. If you don't, you are likely to continue your affinity and attraction towards abusive-men. You also have to vent and purge all the darkness and poison your toxic-relationships have inflicted upon you. You can't just walkaway from two toxic-relationships, and venture your way into yet another relationship. You will have too much baggage, trust-issues, hypersensitivities, and flashbacks. Those insecurities will be far too much of a burden on anyone attempting to establish a healthy and meaningful relationship. Tiptoeing around your sensitivities and insecurities is not a relationship; it is slow psychological-torture, carried-on over time. Until the person throws-up their hands in frustration, and they will dump you! It would be partially your fault, because you sabotaged the relationship with self-fulfilling prophesy. You knew it would fail at the start; but you'll subconsciously rush-it along to get it over with. That's what untreated post-traumatic trauma from previous toxic-relationships and domestic-violence will make you do.
You need to allow yourself time to mature enough to handle the complications and complexities of a relationship. You cannot be a child in an adult-relationship. You will allow things you shouldn't allow, and you will be too dependent within the relationship. You have to draw on your own strength, use your own intellect, and solve your own problems from time to time. You may share many things with others within a healthy and loving-relationship; but you have a brain, freewill, opinions, and ideas of your own. You must practice using commonsense and making better choices. Stop becoming a slave to relationships with men, and being helplessly-dependent on them.
Don't be down on yourself for any harm or cruelty that was ever done to you. It is never your fault...NEVER!!! You may have chosen the wrong-guy; but that's part of learning and selection. Finding suitable partners is a tedious selection-process. Trial and error! You learn life by living it; and you gain experience and wisdom through challenges and correcting your mistakes. That's how we accumulate our survival-skills. You are not born with them! If you never listen to your parents and rebelled against their guidance and wisdom; hard-heads make soft-bums!!! Rebels better have a better plan, or life will beat the hell out of them!
You might want to be totally submissive to a man; but that's dangerous when you are in the hands of man who is mean, aggressive, and abusive. He sees that passivity as easy to manipulate, intimidate, and they think you're half-witted. I think you really need to seek some trauma-counseling; before you get yourself into another romantic-relationship. It won't last anyway; your wounds and scars will reappear. They will manifest as insecurities; and that is unfair to a good-person trying to give their heart to you. Don't seek romantic-partners to counsel, nursemaid, and doctor you. Seek professionals who are licensed and trained to do that. Don't be a burden on someone who will break their backs trying to love you; while you exhaust them with insecurity, and belabor your relationship until it breaks. Then you will be alone again; but not mentally-prepared and psychologically-fit to deal with the breakup, or the loneliness. You will sink into despair and depression.
You need to make new friends. Stay socially-active. Keep dependency and submission out of your relationships. Embrace your maturity and independence as a part of you; and not to be surrendered to the mercy of others. You made a few bad mistakes, because of inexperience; and fearing loneliness too much. Independence is not loneliness, it's a healthy love and respect for yourself. It's discovering your own potential and knowing your own strength. However, you must stay balanced; and avoid conceit or closed-mindedness. Never degrade yourself, or demean who you are; while taking blame for the harm done to you by other people. You are as good as anybody else. You are as flawed as anybody else. God loves you regardless!
God bless you, heal you, and guide you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 June 2020):
 Is it YOUR fault that someone else is a total twat?
ABSOLUTELY not.
That is out of YOUR control.
What you ARE responsible for are YOUR action. Not someone else.
So in the sense of talking "fault and blame", you HAVE to look at your own choices and actions.
You need to come to a point where YOU recognize a red flag and make a choice.
You write:" I was cheated on repeatedly still didn't leave because I convinced myself no one else is going to want me. I was miserable and lonely."
So you were WITH someone and STILL felt lonely, which should make you realize that BEING with the "wrong" kind of guy won't make you less alone.
You have to learn how to recognize what is HEALTHY and what is TOXIC in a relationship, both in your chosen partner BUT also in your own choices and actions.
Not wanting to be alone is not strange or bad, but thinking that it's "better" to be with someone who treats you like crap is "better" than being single. It's not. And that line of thinking might BE why you attract the "same" kind of guy twice.
I think you should look into finding a therapist. So you can find the areas YOU need to work on. Self reliance, self esteem, independence, boundaries and standards.
People who are abusive, look for vulnerable people. YOU attract abusive asshats. You need to figure out why. And why are attracted to them.
These two guys share things in common?
Are you attracted to a certain type? Like, bad boys that you HOPE have a heart of gold?
Did you meet them the same way?
Were they both SUPER nice in the beginning?
Try and pinpoint what it was about each of them that attracted you.
Then go to work out a time line of when the red flags started to pop up and then WHY you ignored them.(the red flags).
It's not just that you don't want to be alone, you also seem to think (I'm guessing) that YOUR value as a person is tied to whether you "have a man" or not. Reality is, YOUR value is bound to YOU. And you alone.
You also say, that you FOUGHT to keep a few of your friends but that you can't talk to them about what you went though. You can. Don't keep them at an arm's distance. But also, LISTEN to what they have to say. My guess is THEY knew, they might even have told you the guys were bad and like the red flags, YOU ignored it or downplayed it. It's "GOOD" that you are ashamed of not leaving sooner, NOT because you should be ashamed, but because that indicate that you KNOW better. You know you should have left. Instead of this guilt and shame, OWN it and LEARN from it. That is the BEST way to not put yourself I the same situation again.
Last little side note, giving a 100% is lovely. But if you only "get" 10% back, the relationship is uneven and maybe YOU are trying to hard. Or you are ignoring the fact that your partner isn't reciprocating. Which should be a good indicator that he is NOT right for you. While relationship isn't about tit for tat. If one person gives and gives and the other takes and takes you are NOT a good fit. You can't FIX a relationship by being giving and turning a blind eye to bad stuff. A guy cheats on you ONCE, you walk. A guy calls you names, treat you like crap, or gets physical, you WALK. You don't stay and bend over backwards.
The first anon answer mentioned starting a journal, I think that is a great idea. Write down your feelings and thoughts and try and process what happened.
And do consider getting a therapist. Sometimes we need to tools so we can work on ourselves. There are no easy fixes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2020): Hi
Well done you for ending the relationship and well done for completing your degree and teaching studies...what an achievement during all the chaos in your life. This shows what stamina you have to go the distance regardless and getting there!! in spite of them not because of them.
You are not the problem and never have been, abusers are the problem and they come in many forms, seen it! done it! I can wear most of the Tshirts. I will say my usual 'life is too short to waste on misery and unhappiness and your 'choice' has freed you to make a road to happiness, but for now, learn to enjoy your own company and don't be too needy for being part of a relationship, it will arrive in its own natural time.
I see your weakness is in a lack of self-esteem and so you stuck out another two years of misery thinking no one else would want you. So you have fallen twice into abusive relationships, turn these experiences into lessons about how you do not want to be treated. You are not the problem, but in some way you need to recognize that you should not have put up with abuse, you are not responsible for their behavior, nor can you change them or repair them, but you can do all these things for you!
You are at a time in your life that you can transform everything and take charge of your future, forget romance and learn to self-love and care for you and do things for you that make you feel good. I talk a lot about 'YOU'
You don't understand yourself enough yet, to forge head-on into new romances. Work on you and be kinder to you.
You were not the Problem' but your 'FALSE BELIEF' was part of the problem, thinking you don't deserve better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2020): As we grow up we tend to absorb values from our parents or carers.
In the past there was a prevalence of abusive attitudes.
This has left many generations unable to detect what is and isn't acceptable behaviour in a relationship.
Furthermore recent generations have greatly been affected by media interpretations of what sexual behaviour is and what is acceptable.
This has been largely dominated by casting couch attitudes which has been frequently dominated by narcissistic abusive individuals such as Harvey Weinstein and Hollywood culture.
Also script writers tend to choose contentious situations to explore which makes for fascinating T.V. but are a false representation of reality.
To be happy most people need an element of security and peacefulness but this does not make good T.V.!
So, yet again another generation absorbs the most controversial behaviour and assumes it to be reality.
If you have been in abusive relationships you need to understand why you tolerated the person who was behaving so badly.
There are many articles on the internet about narcissistic abuse and if this was part of your earlier life you may have absorbed it as a reality.
The fact that you are willing to look at why you tolerated abusive partners speaks a lot for your future expectations of a happy and fulfilling life with a loving caring partner.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (14 June 2020):
 Its terrible what you have been through in your last two relationships, i feel for you, but you 100% did the right thing by leaving.
There is no way you are the problem so don't ever think that. You was just unlucky enough to meet some not nice people that treated you badly. You can now breath a sigh of relief that you are not in these relationships anymore and look forward to a positive bright future.
I know its hard, and i know you want the company of being in a relationship of course you do. But i would refrain from entering into a new relationship until you have completely healed yourself from the last two relationship experiences you had.
When you go straight into a relationship to soon from a bad experience and not completely healed from previous experiences, you can find that all subsequent relationships keep following the same patterns.
Take time out from dating, how ever long it takes, you need to heal yourself from these experiences and learn to love yourself again. Practice mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation, walks in nature. What ever it takes, and how ever long it takes you need to concentrate on loving you, and only you.
You are worthy of meeting someone nice, someone beautiful inside and out, and you will. You just have to give it time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2020): It's true .. sometimes we are attracted to a type of guy/girl who on the surface can seem all roses and cream and then when we settle in the little things that should have been lil flags .. example your wearing makeup and he's rolling his eyes and you say hey why you looking at me like that .. he excuses his behaviour and says ooh it's the light or your reading to much into it .. and you let it go . Once the honeymoon over though those lil flags turn more real ..
That doesnt make you the problem .. however it means you can acknowledge that you are attracted to a type and maybe you move to fast ..
So start looking honestly at both relationship get a journal and Mark down any flags that with hindsight you can now see on both guys ..
Then look at delving into why your attracted to three types are they similar in how they make you feel .. how they project themselves. Then remind yourself that not all guys are like this .. and that you deserve a good one . If you can try an online therapist or buy a self growth book .
Make sure next time .. you know the guy at least 18months before moving in.. that you've seen him at his best and worse .. and how he handles situation .. first time a guy is verbally abusive .. end it .. no matter how you feel ... you know that when they say they won't do it again.. it happens.. so end it .. walk away .. it's not a crime to want respect and love .. this isn't you .. it's just something that attracts you to a certain type and like everything else .. realise what that is and you can change your behaviour to escape that merry go round..
Good luck sweetie ..chin up
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