A
male
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:Alright. I'm 15 year old guy who HAS to fake straight but apparently I'm not good at it. I don't know when I figured it all out. I know in kindergarten I had sort of a thing for this kid in school and another kid on my just didn'tblock but it was non sexual. I just thought of them all the time and I liked looking at them and always missed them. And talked about them. Well somewhere between there and third grade guys don't want to be friends with me, everyone thought I was weird but I didn't know why. I thought there was something wrong with me. But I did have guy crushes. I just didn't know that was what it was. Then third grade hits and I'm like "oh no!" When I talked about guys or was around certain ones I sort of acted like a girl. I didn't do myself up or talk about how cute guys were but it's hard to explain. I guess most guys were avoiding me or making fun of me. So I had no friends till Fifth. These two girls for some reason we're real nice to me so we hung out a lot. Lunch recess all that. Then movies mall watching TV and all that. We were basically all silly together. Then sixth grade it occurred to me: I only like them as friends and oh shit, Veronica keeps randomly touching me (grabbing my hands, messing up my hair) and it was weird. Meanwhile I'm noticing that I keep staring at certain guys and I can't help it. So I go back to not looking at anyone in the eye. By then I have two more girl friends and I know exactly what is wrong with me and I am freaking out. Seventh grade hits and now none of the girls are talking to me. Apparently Veronica and JoJo both think I'm cute and I am not flirting back. So I randomly ask JoJo to go to the mall with me because she usually got over being mad the quickest. She asked why and I said the straightest sounding thing I could think of. I said "I like making you laugh I like spending time with you and I think you are pretty. This sort of works but also doesn't. Now Veronica and another girl are not talking to us but JoJo and the fourth girl are still friends. It was drama for a year. Over me. We're holding hands, she's always grabbing on me and I'm letting her even though it's just weird. Three months in she asks why I haven't kissed her yet. Again, oh shit. Never occurred to me. So I say it's because we're around people. Then there's a dance and I asked her to go. So far, so good. I have to interrupt really quick to point out I had braces on for maybe a week at that point. They didn't hurt or anything but my mouth still felt real weird. Anyway. Then she grabs my hand, takes me under the bleachers and goes, "does your mouth feel ok?" And I'm like "I guess, why?" Next thing I know her tongue is in my mouth. I recover from shock, kiss her back, and she tells me how cute I am. I said "and you're very pretty, you have good hair and I like your dress" Swear.She's dumps me shortly afte.r that. Once again, zero friends. I get to high school and join band and theater because I don't do sports and I'm good at music. Also the idea of being semi naked around guys I like looking at is a great big no for obvious reasons.Last year was fun because band girls and theater girls were all about me for some reason. For once, I was semi popular. Even teachers and some popular people are making comments about me my little entorage. So good. People think I'm straight for five minutes. Problem is I'm accidentally causing drama again because they fight over who gets my attention. It should be flattering but its like: seriously? Ohmigod! So I'm really glad the pandemic hits because we don't have to do school anymore. I see no one in person for a long time. Now I'm hanging out with a bunch of girls again but it's getting scary. I mean, they are constantly dropping hints: asked why I don't have a girlfriend why I don't hang out with guys ever and talk about how hilarious gay guys are. I am completely freaking out here. The whole touchy feely flirting thing is escalating and I've made out with two more girls. Both girls interrupted the make out session to ask me what was wrong. Obviously I'm not into it.So I need serious help. I cannot be outed. No. It's bad enough. So how do I act straight?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2020): I'm the original poster, it's not letting me sign in. First of all thank all of you, especially WiseOwl. I can't even look myself in the eye in the mirror and say I'm gay. I will try to figure out how to make more guy friends but I'm not sure how to go about it. I am not going to go up to a guy who's by himself and ask him to go to shoot pool in my parents basement because he'll think I'm asking him out. Same with interrupting dudes making plans to watch a game I don't care about and inviting myself.Two things happened I didn't mention. One was at a well known music camp in eighth grade. I ended up talking to this guy I basically tried to avoid. He was a sophomore but he was really really feminine and didn't give a damn. It started off with us and some girls. Somehow we end up alone. Completely. Still talking. Somehow we end up on some steps. I'm between his knees and his hands are all in my hair. It's affecting both of us. I can tell. I know something is about to happen if I don't get out of there. Not sure what my type is but not him. Cute? Sure. But no. So I launch out of his lap, tell him I can't talk to him anymore and got out of there. He did leave me alone after that.The other thing was this cello player in youth orchestra seventh grade. He's Korean and he also plays soccer and baseball. He comes into practice in full out baseball uniform and starts to warm up. Somehow we locked eyes for longer than I meant to. I turn six shades of red and look away. I avoid him. He avoids me. Flash forward to last year. We're freshman and go to totally different schools. I'm sitting in government class and in he walks with two of his jock friends. I'm sitting with some theater girls. He takes one look at me and says "hey home slice, long time no see" I just said hello and we didn't talk at all after that. Then he's in my lunch too and for some reason he comes up to my table and says "let me in on your secret" I start to panic and then he says " you're always surrounded by girls. You're a band geek but you're always surrounded by girls. What's your secret?" I just said "guess I'm made of awesome" then he walked away.Both those situations were scary. I don't think he's going to out me but I'm pretty sure he knows what I am
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2020): At this stage in life, everyone is changing and taking notice of each other more than they did before. People will ask a lot of questions; and all you can do is make up some good excuses. Most kids don't date until they're 16; but naturally they are curious going through puberty. They want to know who likes them and who doesn't? If people think they are cute or ugly? You'll get in their way from time to time, and it's...awkward!
Just be yourself. You can't remake yourself to be what you think people want you to be. Hanging around exclusively with girls is going to raise a lot of questions; and avoiding male-friends is going to keep you quite lonely. You can't "act-straight;" but you can be more masculine by simply not doing what you see girls do, or using their mannerisms. It takes practice, and being effeminate takes just as much effort. In any case, don't freak-out. You've got to be comfortable in your own skin. You are who God made you to be. Not what other people insist that you should be.
You can't go through high school pretending you're somebody you're not. You have to be comfortable with yourself, whoever that is. Even if you're a bit "girlish." People tend to get used to you; as long as you show confidence, and don't allow them to intimidate you. You have as much right to be you, as anyone you know has a right to be themselves!
There are mean kids, they will tease and embarrass you. That will "toughen you up!" That doesn't mean "acting straight!" It means you'll learn to take on the things people will say or do that hurt your feelings; or when they try to make you feel uncomfortable. Being different is hard! I know, I'm different too! In many ways! Even went through what you're going through. I've survived, I'm happy, and I'm being me! You will too! Trust me!
You must always love yourself, and be yourself. If anything you do makes you uncomfortable about yourself; it should only be those things that are harmful to yourself, or cruel to others.
You're just a kid, and time and growing-up will mold and/or change your personality and character. You will grow confidence, and what people think will not matter so much; when it means you can't be yourself. You're too young, and that takes time to grow into.
You are a teenager! You're naturally self-conscious; because you're at that awkward age!
Everybody goes through it, and being among others your own age will be challenging at times. You've found your niche, when you enrolled in theater and music. Big stars often come from people just like you! Awkward, ambiguous, a little weird, a little on the delicate-side. You will change naturally as you grow-up. Don't let it worry you.
You don't have to like every girl who likes you, just as they won't like every boy who likes them! Just tell any random girl hot on your trail that she's pretty, and that you like her; but you're not ready to date anybody. You're too young to know exactly what your sexual-orientation truly is; because it can be a little confusing or fluid at your age. You'll eventually know your true-leanings for sure; but they are established when you are older and better able to understand who you are, and who you want to be. Never allow people to make you feel bad about yourself, or hate who you are. You're a sweet kid, and you're extra-sensitive; so you take more notice of people around you. You worry more of what they're thinking. Girls tend to be quite nosy, and very pushy when they want to be liked. They are conditioned to feel their looks are more important than who they are. Boys are told we have to be tough and can't show our emotions. We all learn to work on that, and grow-up with more control over what bothers us. Some sooner than others. Other boys wrestle with their issues too. You are not alone!
You can consciously control extra girly-mannerisms; only when you feel yourself getting carried-away, but don't panic. Just consider who you with. Not around the football team, obviously! It may not be as obvious as you think. In your own mind, you'll sometimes become self-conscious; and feel people are drawing opinions about you. You can always tell girls you're shy and feel awkward. That's true, isn't it? When they get pushy, tell them you don't like girls when they're pushy. You have a right to have your space. Just as they do!
You can't live the rest of your life avoiding other guys. If anyone approaches you in a friendly way, relax. Allow people to get used to you as you are, and being you. You'll get teased just for being different, no matter what kind of different it is. At least you're not bullied. Thank God! Just always remember, people judge you and make opinions that are true and untrue. You can't let them destroy you with their opinions! You deserve to be happy, have fun, and feel free to be yourself. Do that, regardless of what they might think!
Don't pressure yourself, be yourself. Just learn to talk your way out of awkward situations. Make friends without fear. People will judge you no matter what, and trying to be someone you're not is never going to change that!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2020): I think we're both thinking the same thing: your girl friends have been discussing you and they're putting two and two together. There has got to be a way for you to say something like JoJo, if someone happens to be gay, I don't care because it shouldn't matter. What matters is that unless a person is telling everyone they're gay, it's probably really important to them that people not out them or even talk about it.
Will it confirm their suspicions? Probably, but hopefully they will take the hint and take care not to out you. As for some other things you pointed out, the biggest giveaway I think has to be your seeming lack of guy friends. Most guys hang around guys. Surely there have to be some guys you're not into from band and theater that you can hang out with. There's nothing wrong with being quiet because if you're naturally quiet around guys they're going to expect that. So you don't have to be be loud and obnoxious nor do you have to burp, fart, scratch your balls and talk about which girls you want to bang. Just talk about things you have in common like band and theater. Talk about work, if you have a job, talk about what's on the news. You don't have to be into sports. Talk about something funny that happened last time you went to the mall or whatever. Talk about your family. You get the idea.
This is coming from a straight girl with lots of gay male friends though. One thing I noticed is that when you hang around anyone, you pick up on expressions and mannerisms. Now I'm getting into stereotypes and stereotypes are stupid. But if you need to appear straight for now I'd just say have more dude friends. That's all I can think of.
I sincerely hope you get to come out sometime. Few things are worse than being closeted
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2020): For someone so young you've been very active.
It might not appear so to you because you feel you've been batting for the wrong team.
However most teenagers of your age are equally as muddled as you.
At this age a person tends to be influenced by friends, and what they believe friends say about them, but as you grow older you realise that idle gossip has little relevance in your life.
I would love to tell you about my teenager years because you would laugh at my naivity and choices.
But this is about you and my advice to you would be to do nothing.
You are under no obligation to explain yourself to anyone.
You don't have to kiss girls at all.
Most teenagers boast of conquests they never had.
The boys will be puzzled because you seem to be a bit of a Jack the lad.
But who cares.
Your good at music.
You can explain yourself and very few teenagers care about anyone other than themselves.
You have a whole life to live.
You will not be stuck in a teenage melodrama forever.
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