A
female
age
41-50,
*nanoymous
writes:i need some help with writing an apology letter to someone i have offended. please read what happened and let me know what i should say.i was a very insecure and possessive type of person with people close to me in my life. when i say possessive, i do not mean conservative. i mean i wanted to be the most important thing to them. so like they ave to do everything with me. and if something else comes up, they should still pick me. they need to make time for me no matter what. i lost a very special person due to this. i tried to patch things up right after i lost them. but, i feel that was again put of wanting to be the centre of their life and being heart-broken.i finally found my self realizing i lacked self-confidence and what i did was very annoying and controlling. i went for some general personality improvement counseling so i could openly talk about this and how to overcome such traits.i feel i am in a much much better position today as a result. but, i feel most people would make think low of me since i did speak to a counselor to get feedback and help to grow. but, i felt i needed it.what do i write in my apology? i do not want to come off like i am needy. i just want to say what i have learned and that i am sorry.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): there's a book called love languages - there's also a book called 'apology languages'. hope it helps
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008): Always talk from the heart, your heart not someone elses.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008): I am currently undergoing therapy and my therapist told me not to write apology letters as they could be deemed as clingy because I am desperate, needy and clingy by nature and have lost relationships because of this. I always feel insecure and normally feel I have to buy someone to make them love me. This doesn't work. As Bugs said writing a letter can be a waste of time because people have already formed an opinion of you and absolutely nothing is going to change this apart from time passing. My therapist also suggested writing a letter and then burning it. i have not tried this but apparently it works. I have just entered another relationship after 2 years and even though I have really worked on my self confidence and controlling issues I can still feel them rising in me with this new man. It is very hard to change yourself but recognizing these problems and wanting to do something about them is the first step. Think carefully if you really want to write this apology letter or if it is best left alone. if you do really want to write it concentrate the letter solely on them and obviously keep out any show of neediness. Apologize but keep it light and upbeat and not too long.i am proud of you for going to counselling - there is nothing wrong with it and it helps you grow as a person. All the best,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008): I am not a great authority on friendships or relationships.
If I were you I wouldn't even write the apology letter.Any kind of letter from you would be seen as needy.
You are sweet and innocent.Its tough to understand people when you are this way.
People do not like others who are clingy.At times when an opinion is already formed about another person they don't change it,even when heaven and earth is moved.
I have been at the receiving end of it quite often.True friends don't think you are needy or clingy.They don't lie to you saying they have some other work in order not to talk with you.
Letting go is the toughest thing any of us have to do in life.The toughest and the most self confident of us find it difficult.
But...Let go of the past.Write a letter.Pour all your feelings out.Have a good crying session.Burn or tear the letter.Flush the pieces in the toilet.
Its quite a good way to eradicate the person who you think hurt you or you hurt them.
Keep away from them.
Life is a learning phase.People find it difficult to forgive.They are human beings after all.Let's not blame them.
Do not make the same mistakes in your future relationships.
God bless you with lots and lots of true friends.
Merry Christmas!!
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A
female
reader, ashlay54321 +, writes (19 December 2008):
Hi.God, I've had to write a lot of apology letters.Keep it sincere, and truly write from the bottom of your heart. Stick with the basics- subtly flatter him, and make him seem right and responsible. However, DO NOT PUT YOURSELF DOWN, only push HIM up. This if vital, as you're not his puppy dog, you do not need to degenerate yourself. Apologize for your previous actions, but emphasize the change you have undergone, and "hope profusely" that he can learn to accept the change, as vamp-gal said, probably as friends first. Choose your words carefully so it seems that HE is in charge, and you have surrendered CHOICE and POWER to him. It's a bit manipulative, but desperate times call for desperate measures. And if this is what you truly want, it is the most effective method. When it comes down to it, everyone wants their ego to be stroked. Hope this helps!xx
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A
female
reader, vamp-gal  +, writes (19 December 2008):
 Heyy,
People shouldn't think of you as 'low' because you went to a counselling session. In fact, people should admire the fact that you realize what you've been doing, and want to sort it out. Most people can't do this, and stay in denial, it's great you did.
When you're writing the apology, everything you say has to be sincere, which I'm sure it will be, you sound really sorry for what you've done.
You should say to them, that you know what you used to be like, and that you have gone to some counselling sessions to get it sorted out. Apoligize a few times in the letter, not just once, you should get your point across, that you are truly sorry.
Say that you wish to be friends, if nothing else, and obviously don't blame them if he doesn't.
Apoligize for all that you've done, such as, making him miss some things, to be with you, making him choose you, over something else.
I'm not saying your partner shouldn't have not chosen you. But he needs to live his own life, and, as you know now, it shouldn't have revolved around you.
Sorry if I'm sounding harsh. But it is the truth, as I'm sure you are well aware of.
Hope this helps.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008): I forgot to say don't make it too long, try not to write the specific things that happened in the past and do not sound needy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008): I believe you are a very strong person because you felt you had a problem and had the courage to go to fix it the best way you could. You know how many people there are with lots of mental/emotional troubles who don't have the capacity to understand they have a problem and won't go to counseling when they desperately need to? There are lots. I think it's great what you did for yourself.
It's very important for you to understand that you are responsible for yourself first. You cannot be a part of anybody's life if you are not OK with your parents, family your past and most important who you are inside and out.
I too had trauma growing up and did stupid things that I felt ashamed of, but then I realized that no one is going to love me if I don't love myself first, so I had to accept my past mistakes an see them as a part of growing up. That maybe took me a more time than the average person but I wasn't going to be avictim of my past anymore.
I had to accept when I felt abandoned by my father because he'd rather drink and/or work and mistreated by my mother. I realized I didn't wanted to be like that but I had to accept it because I didn't know better. I grew up and reacted to things and people the way I was taught to react. It wasn't my fault. It couldn't be!
Nobody wants to grow up feeling confused; our parents and family confuse us because they didn't gave us the specific things we needed when we were growing up. Then we end up being emotionally messed adults, and to make things worst we torture ourselves the rest of our lives feeling ashamed of ourselves. You know what? I got tired of it. I said to myself I am worthy and I know inside there's a lovable person with lots of qualities just as I'm sure you are. We cannot recuperate our parents love obligating nobody to stay in our lives.
I think you must tell that person you are sorry he/she had to be a victim of your emotional battles and that you understand his/her reaction towards it. Tell him/her now you look back in disbelief of what you did and hope he/she can forgive you because it was your mistake to do/say that and that it was only a defense mechanism you used to deal with the stressors the situation caused you. Maybe you can tell him/her it brought you back memories from your childhood and you felt insecure at the moment (?)
But at least something good came out of this experience-although at a high cost since it cost you his/her friendship-but you finally understood you needed to put your emotions, thoughts and priorities in perspective and that's when you took the initiative to seek for help (You don't necessarily need to tell him/her you went to a counselor of you don't feel like it. Maybe teel him/her you read some self help books?) and now you feel you are at peace with yourself and that you'd be even happier if you had the certainty he/she forgave you.
Use the christmas season as an excuse. People usually are more at ease to forgive and forget past problems at this time of the year.
I hope this helps because it took me a lot of time and effort. I feel for you. Try to read this book even if the person it's not a man: "The Emotionally Unavailable Man" by: Patti Henry, MD
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