A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is complicated so bare with me.When my sister was 13/14 a guy of 18 manipulated her and several girls in her grade at school into several situations. He manipulated them into sending naked and sexually explicit photos to him, as well as into having sex with him. He also had a girlfriend throughout this time with whom he had been having sex with since she was 12 (he was about 16 when that started). I found this out via school rumours when I returned from university...I exposed his relationship with my sister to my father. To some extent this situation was resolved, or so I thought and my sister assured me and promised me that she never wanted to or was going to be in contact with him again.Once I had then left to return to university, I started to receive prank calls and someone started to hack into my e-mail accounts and facebook ect. I tried to ignore this and hope it would go away. I then started to receive text messages from the number I knew to be his. This messages were very frequent sometimes as many as 20 on a bad day. The messages details ways I should kill myself and people that would be happy if I did. Sometimes they were of explicit sexual nature detailing my sister... Obviously I found this distressing, especially as I have always had a few mental health issues. These messages and prank calls continued on and off for between 6-8months. I kept most of this to myself in an attempt to protect my sister, still thinking he was out of her life. I was so distressed by these messages I was having panic attacks regularly.Now about two years on, he is about to turn 21 and she has just turned 16. I have only recently been told by my sister that she has continued the relationship secretly despite a move over seas. He has now moved to this country and they have now “come out” as it were. However, my mother still does not know the past except for the messages sent to me (excluding sexual ones) and my father knows only a little about the relationship they have. I think if I tell my mother the whole truth it will kill her. So now I feel that my sister has done nothing but lie to me for years and so I don’t know if anything she says is the truth or not. My sister has recently given the guy my mobile number and I am now so intimidated and scared that he will start tormenting me again that I am finding it hard to even take calls on my mobile.I also feel so hurt, she never attempted to keep in contact with me when I was overseas despite my constant attempts and yet she found time to keep in contact with him. I feel crushed because I know that if my partner had ever said one thing like that to anyone in my family I wouldn’t be with him now. I try to think “blood is thicker than water” but obviously she doesn’t think that. Right now I don’t even want to attend the family Christmas and have to be in the same room as them. What I am really frightened of is that he is going to hurt her in some way. He has already isolated her from school friends and family. She is a completely different person now, she is constantly on edge and snappy. She has no confidence any more; she used to be so happy and so chatty and involved, and now that he has moved over here that is all gone. She is withdrawn and quite and just so different. I am scared he is manipulating and abusing her and she is too young and too naive to realise it. After all she didn’t even know what an STI was, or safe sex until I explained it to her. She believes anything she is told and I am scared that he is filling her head with lies and nonsense and she will end up really hurt or in trouble. I have tried to talk to her about this but any thing she says, I then find out is a lie or half truth. I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be helpful.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): If your parents are prepared to acknowledge the relationship, then a cancer is about to be accepted into your family. The first thing you have to do is reveal everything to both of your parents. The whole history, all of the texts you've received -- everything. What you're describing is a controlling, abusive person. Your sister has fallen under his spell. Your parents need to know it all. A 16 year-old girl has no business being with someone that age, and your parents need to deal with it. And they can't do that without all the facts.
You're quite right to not be prepared to spend the holidays with such a person. You've tried to help your sister, but she's too young or too naive or too controlled to help herself. It's past time to be kind, shy or private.
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