A
female
age
41-50,
*pants
writes:Hello All,After searching for hours on the internet, I found this site and decided to try to get some insight from others. I have been going through a year long break up (yes, that is correct, we have been breaking up for a year), but perhaps I should explain in more detail.I am 29 years old. I met my ex when I was 25. We dated off and on for 6 months before it became “official”. The reason it took so long is b/c of my initial doubts/concerns about this person. For one, when I first met him, I found out that he did and sold drugs. I have never been involved with that sort of thing, and I knew that wasn’t something I wanted in my life. But he was very persistent, and the truth was I had a great time with him when we hung out. We had similar interests, and he is also a very intelligent and funny individual. But he was also living with his parents at the time we met, and he is a year older than I am. But the more I hung out with him, the more I started to like him and look past those characteristics I considered negative. I guess if I were to be honest, I would have to admit I thought that I could change him. Over the course of the next year, we got very serious. I fell in love with him. I honestly began to think I was going to marry him. And he would also make comments or allude to the fact that we might be getting married in the future. But neither of us came out and said, I want to marry you someday. We did however, talk about getting a house together. I think it was shortly after the new year in 2007 that things started to go downhill. He started playing video games constantly, and smoking pot a lot more. He didn’t do hard drugs, mainly prescription pills and pot. But we started fighting more. Or rather, I would fight, he would run away. He never wanted to discuss problems, he would just leave. But he also began doing things that I thought were terrible, like getting into a fight with my boss at the holiday party, disappearing the day of my grandmothers funeral without telling anyone. Then came April, and on the morning of a coworkers wedding, he broke up with me. Up until that point (the night before actually), everything was normal. We got back together a few days later, but it wasn’t the same. We broke up for good the following July, the day of my sister’s engagement party (which, incidentally, is married to my ex’s best friend—we introduced them). For the next three months, it went back and forth from him ignoring me, then missing me and calling me, wanting to hang out, but never wanting to be back together. Because of this constantly being pulled in two different directions, I became extremely depressed, lost weight, was tired all the time, etc. So I started taking medication and seeing a therapist. Then one night we ran into each other, and of course being tipsy I tried to talk to him. He ended up yelling at me and humiliating me in front of everyone. We didn’t speak for a month. Then one night before Thanksgiving he called and we started hanging out again. Granted, we never were “back together”, but we saw each other three times a week on average, talked on the phone or emailed every day. He had enrolled in an accelerated college program by that point, and I ended up doing all of his papers for about 5 months, consequently earning him a degree. I was there for him whenever he needed me, and when he quit his job and was unemployed for three months, I stood by him, helped him with his resume, apply to jobs, etc. Here is where I am at now—things started to fall apart in September between us. We weren’t even friends. We stopped talking, and through the grapevine I heard he was moving to another city. Shortly before he moved, he contacted me and asked if I would come to his going away party. I agreed, thinking it would be nice to part as friends. When I got there, it became apparent he had brought a date (a girl that he had dated before he and I got together, someone he actually broke up with to date me). I asked if they were dating and he said no, dating implies wanting a future with someone. He was just having fun with her. Needless to say, I left the party humiliated and in tears. Present day, I have been out with several different people. I haven’t met anyone that I can see myself becoming serious with though, and I think its because of my feelings for my ex. I don’t want my ex, per say, but I want the things in him I loved, like his intelligence and wit. It probably sounds like I am making my ex out to be a loser (and according to both his friends and my friends that is what he is), but what people don’t know is that there were lots of good times. I wouldn’t have been with him if there wasn’t. But I can’t say that the good out-weighed the bad. But I find myself missing him a lot. He does call when its convenient for him. But I get so hurt when I call or text him, and he completely ignores me. I know that I need to cut him out of my life completely, and having him hundreds of miles helps, but whenever I don’t call or email or send texts, he gets curious and then contacts me. It’s getting so I don’t contact him just for the simple fact that I know I will hear from him if I don’t. I don’t know why he has such a hold over me. I know that I am smart and funny and attractive, and have done a lot of things in the last year and a half to be proud of, including buying my home. But sometimes I think I am as addicted to him as he is to his drugs. I’m worried I am never going to find someone who will make me laugh like he did, or someone that I felt as comfortable with as I did him. Any suggestions on how to get over/move on from this obviously unhealthy relationship? Any advice (no matter how brutal) would be greatly appreciated!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): He's getting an ego boost from you wanting him, nothing more. So when you don't phone or text, his ego takes a hit and he gets in touch with you to get a fix and to keep you dangling. He isn't reliable, disappearing on occasions you most want your significant other with you. He hides behind video games and pot instead of dealing with life. He's inconsistent with you, leaving you to wonder how he feels, if you loves you etc. Men in love don't act like this.Don't get in touch with him, and if he tries to get in touch with you, don't answer. That's the only way you will really get over him. Keep doing positive things for yourself, and seeing other men. I know it gets discouraging sometimes, but you WILL find another man much more suited to you than this one. It just takes time and effort on your part.
A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (16 December 2008):
 Your story is of a similar one with my sister in law, her boyfriend has an alcohol problem. He is paranoid all the time, they always fall out when he's been drinking , or wants a drink. But he can be so good to her when hes that way out. I think you experienced similar because he is dealing with a habit and can't maintain what you want from him. Like disappearing before a function, making excuses so he doesnt have to mix, lack of confidence with groups or gatherings. He is probably wanting to flit from one woman to another because he hasnt got it in him to stay and work at any particular thing.
You have tried your best and been through a lot and you don't need any more humiliation from him or let downs.
Change your phone numbers and delete all his numbers so you won't be tempted to ring. There is some lucky guy out there who will appreciate what you can give them and this one never has appreciated you because he has other things to think about. I've got a feeling you stuck with him for so long because you felt sorry for him sometimes. This is one of those times when you must now look after yourself, your own feelings, take care of yourself because you are the only one who will. hope this helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): the only thing i can think of is exactly what you said "Cut Him Out Of Your Life" but thats not what your doing your encourageing him. he probaly nos that he has this hol over you which makes it easy for him to fone you when ever he wants but when you want hes not avaleable! the more you fone him the bigger his egos getting! from what im reading hesa bad egg! and doesnt deserve you! to cut him out completly block his email or change yours! i no it sound bizzare but if you want to cut him out change your fone number! and delete him from your life! get out n find someone new in my experiance the best way to get over someone is to find someone new.Good Luck x
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