A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:It has been two weeks since me and my previous ex-"boyfriend" ceased contact. The story behind us is very long, so I will try my best to keep it short.Basically, we met over the internet (Instagram precisely) last summer. You know the usual flirting techniques--liking each others photos and leaving open comments. Eventually I took the initiative to ask for his number and he happily gave it to me. I noticed that he had a kid, but I didn't necessarily care. I also have never been with someone who had a child, so naturally, I didn't know the huge amount of trouble I was getting myself into. So we're talking, and eventually I find out that his ex, the one he had the kid with, still lives with him. Okay, not very cool. But he denied having any type of sexual relations with her, and I believed him. He told me that although they lived together, he ultimately fell out of love with her and will never see her as a love interest, again. His ex knew of his feelings, and although she still loved him, understood that their relationship just wouldn't work and they agreed to break up and concentrate on putting their child's happiness first. Jared (we'll call him that) wanted nothing more than to take care of his son, but he wanted to pursue other interest (A.K.A. me), so of course, when he found someone he liked, he went to his ex and told her the good news. She didn't take it very well. Since she still harbored deep feelings for Jared, she threatened to take away the child if he didn't stop talking to me. Her threats worked and Jared, absolutely horrified of losing his only son, ceased all contact with me. Since we didn't do anything besides enjoy each others company, it was rather easy for me to let go. Months passed, however, and I began to miss Jared. Our time was limited, but I had a connection with him that I didn't find in a lot of people. He obviously felt the same, because when I reached out a second time, he happily obliged and we started talking, again.I hoped and prayed that this time would be different, and at first, everything was extremely promising. We started off slow, just hanging out as friends. Then it turned into something more. We spent a good quality of time together despite living a good 30-45 minutes away (even when we were not hanging out, we would text/call each other all the time). When I saw that we were becoming quite serious, I started to introduce him to my friends and, when I found the proper opportunity, to my parents. Jared attempted to do the same. I met/hung out with his friends and even met a few of his co-workers due to visiting his job a few times. Despite of all that, I couldn't come over to meet his parents (but they did know of my existence). It was all because of his ex. She still lived with him, but was completely oblivious of us dating. Everyone else knew of me except for her, and it was becoming a huge damper onto our relationship. I would always demand that he told her about us, because without her knowing, I was still considered a "secret". But Jared was so afraid of her reaction the first time around, that he wanted to wait until the perfect moment to break it to her so that there wouldn't be any conflicts. That's when he promised me that after she moved out, he would tell her. Well, as everything in life, things didn't go as planned. Because of Jared lack of communication, and my willingness to be a "secret" in the first place (thus jeopardizing my entire self-worth), she eventually found out on her own. And boy, was it ugly. Hurtful words were shared and 5 A.M. phone calls were made, and eventually things died down only to rise up, again. She would purposely find issues in order to start arguments with me, and then go to Jared, thus stressing him out even more. She even attempted to manipulate me into believing things that I knew wasn't true just so that I would turn against Jared and leave him. She even accused me of being the source of her unhappiness, and ultimately the sole reason as to why Jared started seriously discussing court and child support. Regardless of all the drama, I fought on, because I wanted to be with Jared that bad. Eventually, she moved out and the arguments stopped. I thought that I had finally won and that everything would just go back to normal.And then Jared broke up with me.It was out of the blue. Of course, an initial conversation started it, but next thing you know it, he was telling me that he wasn't sure that a relationship was what he wanted and that he needed to concentrate on being more independent before pursuing anyone, and that I was a fantastic girl and all but he couldn't emotionally commit to me. Huh? My entire world became a whirlwind and I was frantically trying to understand what went wrong. Why didn't he just tell me all this in the begging? "I didn't know what I was getting myself into when I said those things." So, basically, all the things he said to me meant absolutely nothing. How special I was to him, how excited he was for the future, how he wanted to be with me and our plans for the summer, how he would continue to fight in order to be with me because honestly, the only people he needed in his life was me and his son...all of it, just thrown in the gutter. Gone. Just a bunch of empty promises. It was done over text, too, which made it even worse. I called him bawling my eyes out, pleading him to at least give me the respect to come see me so that I may receive some type of closure. He wouldn't even give me that satisfaction. He eventually blocked me on all social networks and my number, too. I sent him an e-mail telling him all the things that I wanted to say if he would have came to see me, but I didn't even receive a single reply. His ex sent me a message a few days after telling me how sorry she was about everything, but I am sure she was just so happy to see me wallow in my misery.Friends will always tell you that you didn't do anything wrong and that it's all the guy's fault. Well, some where I obviously went wrong because I ripped my heart open and gave it to someone who I truly thought cared for me and they just smashed it right in my face. I either have a really bad sense of character or I am an idiot. Maybe it's both. But I can't seem to get over it. I cry every night and I feel so unhappy. We shared so many intimate moments together and I took extreme relish in the thought that I finally found someone who treated me with the love and respect that I deserved. With him, I was on cloud 9. He just treated me so great, and it has left me confused because I don't even know if his feelings were genuine or not. I don't even know what was real and what wasn't. Additionally, I just feel so incredibly foolish because I really didn't think it was going to come to this. I feel like everyone saw it coming but me, and I am just so angry at myself. It is not even him I am furious with, it is MYSELF. I held so many expectations and pushed on for someone who dropped me like I was nothing in the end. I am just so depressed and it is killing me. I hate that I am even allowing someone to have this much control over me. I just need to know where should I go from here, and how do I make myself feel better, and how do I make sure nothing like this happens again? We spent months getting to know each other, and in the end I don't even know who the hell I fell for.(Wow, this wasn't short at all).
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 April 2014):
 My take on it and this will be short...
Jared used you.
He wanted OUT of his relationship with his EX and he had NO clue how to go about it so he used you to FORCE her hand and make her leave.
ONCE she was gone and he was free of her, he no longer needed you to piss her off enough to make her leave... now he can go out and be the cad he clearly wants to be (and already is)
YOU did NOTHING wrong other than believe a liar and manipulator (and cheater)
I doubt he was truly "just" living with his "ex".
He mislead and lied to both of you...
Use this painful experience to learn.
learn that you never want to date a man who is still living with someone else (ex or soon to be ex or otherwise)
learn that being a secret from ANY PART of a man's life is a red flag.
LEARN that you are good compassionate kind person who deserves better treatment.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 April 2014):
 We can all look back and see things we should have paid more attention to, and wish we HAD paid that attentions. It's called hindsight and it's good for nothing else then LEARNING things to do or do NOT do in the future.
Him LIVING with his ex for the sake of the shared child, I can see that happen for a LITTLE while, then at some point IF they AREN'T together as a couple, they would move apart and find a way to still parent their child. Thousands of parents do that ALL the time. Divorce, separations, ending relationships. Him staying WITH her ( or her staying with him) MEANS that they have NOT yet ended their relationship. They MAY not have been intimate, but..... they shared a house and a child. I can see why the EX thought they were "working on their relationship" or "still together".
With that said. She went off on you. EVEN THOUGH if anyone is to "blame" is was her BF/EX/Jared.
A mother can't deny a father visitation unless she can PROVE he can't/shouldn't be around the child. Jared LET her carry his balls around and he LET her hold the child over his head.
IF he had REALLY wanted to have a new relationship he would have SAT her down and either worked out some visitation with her, asked her to move out (or moved out himself) LEAVING no doubt in ANYONE's mind that their relationship IS over.
He didn't.
He strung you along and he strung HER along.
He fed you all kind of horror stories about the ex, no doubt. Yet...... HE FREAKING lived with her. Common sense, would tell you what? THAT what he is saying isn't exactly true.
He lived a nice little FANTASY with you while lying to her (or rather keeping her in the dark, because he thought he could get away with it.
GIRL, he was having his cake (his "family") and eating it too (you).
She gave him an ultimatum. THAT is why he dropped you like a hot rock. Not because she told him he can never see his child (because legally she CAN'T do that). But.. because she told him THEY would be over. He would LOSE his family.
HE chose his FAMILY over a fantasy relationship. I call your relationship with him fantasy for the reason that he filled your head with pretty lies. Like you couldn't met his parents because of her.. I call BS. She isn't all -knowing and she wouldn't have known if you met his folks (IF ... they weren't still an item) SAME goes for his friends. Co-workers are different, he might not have the same social level with them outside of work, and they may NOT know what's going on in his private life.
It was FANTASY because you even STATE it in your last sentence... *****We spent months getting to know each other, and in the end I don't even know who the hell I fell for.***
That statement RIGHT THERE - is true. HE wasn't who he made himself out to be to you. NEITHER was/is his GF/EX.
So.... WHAT are you to do?
Give yourself some time to mend your heart. Accept that you walked into a situation where your GUT told you something wasn't right and you IGNORED your gut. So next time, don't ignore your gut.
Stop beating yourself up for being naive about this. But don't be naive in the future.
If a situation with a man seems easy but LOOKS complicated, it PROBABLY IS complicated.
Don't believe EVERY THING you hear about an ex. If a guy talks a LOT of smack about his ex, who knows what he will say about you later too? Got it? It's NOT a good trait for anyone to talk smack about an EX. Does it mean you can't talk smack at all about an ex or a bad situation/relationship?
No, Of course you can.
But you also have to REMEMBER that YOU were PART of that situation/relationship and you DO hold responsibility for YOUR actions and CHOICES.
It will get better in time. I SINCERELY hope that you have deleted and blocked EVERY contact you had with him from phone/Instagram/FB/Text/E-mail and so forth. DO NOT feel tempted to check up on him, do NOT feel tempted to reach out to him. Make him a "non" person, cut him 100% out of your life.
YOU are SO young, you have SO much to look forward too. Take a GOOD amount of time off from dating. Spend time with people you care for and people who care for you, friends & family.
The hurt you are feeling right now is part HURT that he DID to you and PART shame that you DID some of it to yourself too. (you called yourself stupid for falling for this guy).
YOU are not stupid. You WERE a tad naive, and honey... WE all are. My guess is YOU were a little more naive then someone older then you, because you have been surrounded by GOOD decent people that didn't deceive you. THAT is a good thing. Being NAIVE is not ONLY a negative thing. Neither is feeling stupid. Because NEXT time you met a guy and something iffy pops up, you will not doubt your GUT instincts.
Chin up, honey. IT will get better.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2014): Rule number 1 - don't date someone still living with their ex
Rule number 2 - never hide your relationship from the ex
Rule number 3 - if your suitor proposes to date you behind their ex/housemate's back refer to rule number 1 and 2.
Your relationship got off on the wrong foot. Your standards were too low. There are lots of men who will treat you well who are happy to commit to you, don't settle for less next time.
In the mean time, forgive yourself. This is a downtrodden path where many young people have traversed before you.
You will be fine. Just raise your expectations a bit.
...............................
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