A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My son has grown up and left home and I've met someone lovely who works shifts and also does voluntary work leading teens for outdoor awards some week ends. I really like him and he wants it to work. He was being honest saying his last two ex's haven't been able to cope with his shifts and voluntary work. Is it worth going into something when at the moment we can only meet once a week and then a few hours here and there other times before or after shifts. Im holding back as worried. He said he still I don't want to fall for him and be disappointed. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): It's a new thing, so once a week isn't bad. It means you both have your own time and you're unlikely to rush it if you have to take it slow.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (17 April 2014):
 I think you already know that his overly busy schedule is unacceptable to you or you wouldn't be concerned.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (17 April 2014):
Dear OP,
In the situation I am now, I feel very independent, got many friends, my own hobbies and work and I'm not in a rush to have a family and children. So, if a guy didn't have that much time, I guess I could handle that. I might even enjoy it, because it means I can stay in touch with my close friends and pursue my hobbies without feeling guilty. Also, too much time can make things boring and homely, very quick.
You also have a grown up child, so you don't seem to need a fully committed husband/father type of partner. Maybe now could be the time to have a relationship, while still enjoying the feeling of being independent and free.
But it does depend on your emotional needs. If you are used to be part of one of those couples that spend every weekend and holidays together, spend every evening on the sofa next to each other, you might not be satisfied with the time he has for you.
As a word of caution, maybe those other girlfriends didn't break up with him because of his work and the volunteer thing, but because he ALWAYS put other things first. My ex was that way.. she didn't just have a full time job which required her to work on some evenings, she also had a very time consuming hobby and sacrificed almost all of our weekends and free evenings for it. On top of that, she wanted to stay in touch with her friends, see her family, etc. etc. I always adjusted my schedule around hers or else I would feel like I didn't see her at all. That started to really suck after a while.
My advice is though to keep dating but at the same time, don't become the always-compromising person. Otherwise, you'll feel like his side-kick after a few months. If it's just his work and the volunteer stuff but he's trying his best to make room for you in the other time he has, okay then. But if there's a whole list of reasons why you can't meet him here and there.. and if he gets all whiny if you stick to your plans every now and then.. you should ask for him to change or leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2014): It depends on what you're looking for, your personal rules of dating, and the amount of spare time you need to fill.
I have and would date a busy person. I'm a busy person. I schedule my dates for my free-time. While getting to know someone, one of the things I want them to know is what my responsibilities are; and how committed I am to them. I don't expect them to wait for me. So I date people; based on their availability. I form relationships only if we both have time to have one.
My professional obligations are usually scheduled in-advance; so I have no problem balancing my social-life. Being an adult; I understand that sometimes my time is dominated by work; so I expect the same to happen for other people. So I value that time they are willing to share with me. I just don't expect someone I'm dating to just drop everything for me.
People who really want to be with you, find ways to keep you in their lives. They may have very demanding commitments and responsibilities; but they also have human needs. So they will make time for you. If it isn't enough, you let them know and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2014): No one hand it's good that heis driven like this with his activities. On another hand, for me once a week deffinitely wouldn't be enough.He is very confident that you will fall for him, ha? I dated once a busy manlike this with activities where I couldn't participate: golf, endless business meetings, traveling for work and so on. Everything had to be on his term. It was ALWAYS up to HIM where and when he can see me. At firsts tried to offer activities for us to do, the answer was always no.Whenever he had time I had to put everything away, otherwise I wouldn't see him at all. Once it was a funny moment, when I had my friend from out of town staying with me, and he offered to to spend a day together. I said, that I can't and I am busy because of my friend. He exclaimed with such a surprise , you are busy??, thati started laughing. And why wouldn't he be surprised when i was forced by his behavior to be always available for him. Even if not talking about your mate, but friends. I don't even know how to be friends with a very busy person. I had couple girlfriends that are extremely busy. And again, the same story, everything should be on their own terms.They are so rarely available, that I f I am busy that day that's it I wouldn't see them for another month. But the most important part that you will never be his priority his relationships with other women didn't work because of exactly that. Your life, your problems will never be his. And his excuse will be: but you now ow busy I am
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (17 April 2014):
 I don't think it is a bad thing at all, I think in many cases too much time together is what spoils a relationship and so having time apart, to yourselves or at work can really be beneficial.
You are in the early stages of a relationship here and there is no harm in seeing where it goes for now and enjoy a few dates. Once you've figured out how you feel and have given it some thought about whether his shifts and everything else are a burden or a blessing then you can decided what you would like to do.
Remember, jobs, shifts, work, life all can change and so I would say give the guy a chance and see what comes of it! It is even a bonus that he is a dedicated worker - sometimes those are hard to come by these days!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 April 2014):
This is an easy question. Are you happy only seeing him once a week and for a few hours here and there? Even if you were to fall in love?
If not, forget about it.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (17 April 2014):
 It all depends on what is important to you in a relationship. When a man tells me that his work / volunteer life is a priority for him, I see it as a red flag. If your life is just as busy and you don't mind this kind of set-up, then that's great, but if you know you are the type of woman who likes spending time with her significant other and enjoy doing lots of activities together, then I don't think this would work...BUT...tell him exactly what you expect in a relationship in terms of time and what you like to do as a couple, and hopefully he will be willing to compromise.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2014): I would say "proceed with caution".
He admits that two of his relationships broke up because of his busy life-style. This means that he didn't/couldn't/wouldn't curtail his activities to fit a relationship into his life or that the relationship never progressed because he was always so busy.
A guy I know told me that his relationship broke down because of his love of cricket Although a guy should have hobbies outside of a relationship, this guy admitted that he prioritised cricket over the relationship. Never mind if it was her birthday or they'd been invited to a wedding or she'd had an operation - he would NEVER miss cricket practice. She never ever got to spend a whole weekend with him or take a holiday.
Guys with an active life like this are often fun to date but not to have a seroius relationship with as the relationship never seems to get beyond weekly dates and most people want their relationships to progress into something more
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 April 2014):
 I guess it depends on how often he is able to see you and how often YOU think is reasonable to met up?
To me though it seems like his priority is work, charity, social life.... and then somewhere down the list is dating.
I would kind of see it as a small flag, because if you rarely see each other is he then really looking for a partner or.. just someone to talk to and have sex with, if you get my point.
If you two are CONTENT with what you got, then I say go for it. If you are not... then move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2014): Im the OP. He said he still wants us to try. I do too but am worried his lack of free time will make things difficult. If you see a red flag like this should you still give it time?
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