A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I began a relationship with a woman who was younger than me a little over five years ago. Initially I didn't imagine the relationship would last given numerous variables beyond our age difference, but as time went on I quickly learned that I had drastically underestimated the persistence of my girlfriend, who fought and clawed and pursued me to no end. I wanted to commit but I was afraid that she'd only end up leaving me in the long term for one reason or another. After time I returned the love that was being given to me by her, but not nearly as adequately or as equivocally as I should have. I was unfaithful. More than once. I attempted to fool around with her friend one day when we were on a break and after I'd had a few drinks. I would ignore her on occasion because while all she wanted was to hear my voice or just to have some affirmation of my love, I was not always in the position to pick up the phone or text back because of the company I was in (As I write this and review what I've done it's making me more and more disgusted with myself). A few years ago, I tried more than once to encourage her to go out on her own and get the necessary life experience she'd need so that it wouldn't impair the future relationship we could potentially have. She refused, didn't want to do such a thing at the time and was quite offended at me for suggesting so. Two years ago I divulged all of my indiscretions to her. I promised her that it would never happen again and that I wasn't afraid anymore and that for the rest of my life I only wanted to be with her. She said she was not sure she'd ever be able to trust me again but that she'd try. And she did. In the last year there were a few incidents, not nearly as damaging as the previous ones which she seemed to get over and as far as I knew, our relationship was progressing fine. I was happy. She seemed happy. Late last September and early October I could sense something changing with her. She was growing more distant, calling me clingy, and she was no longer interested in making time for me. Eventually I got a text message request for space. I asked for a phone call to discuss it, which she promised to deliver the next night, but that never came. I left her alone for a few weeks. I found out she had injured herself so I emailed her. Her response was distant yet polite, and she said she missed me. We spoke briefly on the phone the next week, she promised to call again to finish the conversation but that call never came. Last month I emailed her asking for closure and boy did I get it. She said that she tried to trust me but just couldn't. She said that she needed to go out and see what the world had to offer her before she could ever commit to being with only me. She said she did miss me and wanted to call but that every time she wanted to it seemed like a worse and worse idea. She admitted her cowardice and accepted responsibility for putting me through any pain. She said that she wanted to be my friend more than anything but understood that I might not want that or be ready for that and so she was leaving it up to me if and when I wanted to contact her. I accepted my reduced to friendship role because I can't imagine my life without her in it and. She called me the same day I emailed this to her and I told her I loved her and that I was going to get her back. She said that wasn't what she wanted and that maybe we shouldn't be friends if that's what I was going to do. She asked if I'd been out on any dates and then interrogated me about it when I told her I was even though I told her I was uncomfortable discussing it with her. She told me she wanted me to be happy and to move on and that she'd been 'hanging' out with a couple of guys but not dating. Since then we've spoken intermittently via phone, text and email. I've not mentioned anything about us getting back together. She asked me if I would revise her master's thesis and I said of course. I'm logical enough to know that patience is a necessity, just as much as improving myself and taking care of myself. I know that because of how long we've been together if she is enjoying her freedom and enjoying her current life without me in it as much as I once was then good for her that's what she should be doing. I'm sure she's been seeing a few guys and I can't be jealous of that. Of course I don't know and I sure as hell don't ask, but assumption being what it is and such. I'm not a faithful person and I want to have faith that if things are meant to be they will happen no matter what she or I do right now but I can't believe that. I want to believe all the aphorisms that people tell you about relationships but I can't. And I want to prove to her that being with me will be a good decision and that we will be happy together, but I can't make her forget/forgive our past. Is there any serenity in this?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): I majored in English Literature so I have a natural and professional tendency to overanalyze that borders on obsessive. I also have my own issues with insecurity which make it very hard for me to just 'let-go' or 'slide,' like they suggested in "Fight Club."
I know she's not sure about her feelings and I don't fault her for having them--in our almost five years we'd been through more than most married couples. And for her to have experienced all of this at such a formative time (her undergraduate college years) only causes me to further acknowledge the absolute necessity for her to do what she's doing right now. Putting a percentage qualifier on the extent of her feelings is immaterial and foolish but the best way I can describe all of this, and I hate admitting it, is that she's really just not that into me (damn you, pop culture!). I want to believe that she too is struggling with letting go and I think her inquiries into what I did last weekend or who I had dinner with the other night and whether or not I had a good time at the wedding I recently attended attest to this. I don't like these questions because I feel they create an entirely unfair dynamic since I do not return curiosity. But, I don't lie to her, I'm honest and I do my best to limit the information I report to her.
I really like what you said about her setting the parameters and her defining the length and extent of our interactions, if any. It seems that when I am the one to cut a conversation short she makes a comment or doesn't really appreciate it. While I would prefer to be able to speak more and without the facade, until I am stronger and until I can feel more comfortable calling 'without a purpose,' I plan to stay my current course (when I called to offer good wishes for her interview last week she made that comment to me, that i only called when i had a purpose. I told her that here I was thinking the same thing about her).
When we began speaking again she teased me by saying that she felt it was going to be a one-sided friendship and that I was only going to contact her in response to her contacting me. That night in the car I told her she couldn't do that because it made harder for me.
In a few months she will be fully entering into the adult world, possibly moving out on her own into a new city and beyond the umbrella of collegiate irresponsibility. In the email she wrote back to me a month ago she told me that if things had been better between us she'd not have needed to see what the world had to offer because she'd have only cared about what she had. Girlfriends of mine call that an excuse but I find significant merit to it. If only I knew then what I know now...
If she's unsure of her feelings or if she wants to go out and see the world and have new and different experiences, why wouldn't she just be done with me? Why has she always said, 'I don't want you out of my life?' Why does she investigate into what I'm doing?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): (I am the first poster)
It seems to me like she is unsure of how she feels about you and thus is maybe unintentionally giving you some mixed signals. She still cares for you and values your opinion this is clear, but whether or not she feels comfortable (i.e. the ability to be vulnerable with you and trust you) is still undetermined. And, the ability to be vulnerable in a relationship is strongly connected with trust.
It sounds like you are really beating yourself up about the whole situation. Try not to spend so much time thinking about it. The thing you have to understand is that this new arrangement is 100% according to her rules. That is why she calls when she wants and talks at length with you but then rejects some of your attempts to communicate with her. She probably feels that because she has asked for distance that it is up to her to set perimeters. Again, she is just not sure how she feels about you and is not sure what she wants.
I am not saying this is fair. But this time is more about her than it is about you. If you really want to be with her continue to give her space but the support she needs when she needs it. If she feels like you are supportive and someone she can depend on for the long haul I think she will come around in time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): It's been a very long five months for me since this situation began. I'm really struggling with accepting the situation as it is and being her friend. This intermittent contact has truly impacted my ability to go forward in the fashion I need. Our conversations on the phone are not without the new facade that exists between us and it's weird because it seems that both of us are trying to speak to each other with the same familiarity we once did yet she has made some comments that I've found to be a bit arrogant and spiteful, if not dismissive, and that tension doesn't make our conversations very easy. I find she's always apologizing when she's hanging up after talking for only a few minutes. We used to be able to speak about nothing forever.
We met and talked in my car a month ago--I cried to her and she embraced me and held me. At first she was reticent to meet but she agreed after we spoke for 1 1/2 hours on the phone. She kept saying that she didn't want to make it harder for me than it already was. I told her that I could handle it. When we were together I apologized for everything and told her I was different (I know, actions are stronger than words). I want to think she was doing her best to remain steadfast in her decision (in the past when we would meet we'd end up working things out; I knew this time that would not be the case). It just seems so easy for her to talk to me than it is for me to call or talk with her.
In the last two weeks we spoke more often than we had in the last five months; granted she was coming to me for advice and support about an upcoming interview. She called me on the way down, texted me during it and called immediately after to discuss it. But since then she's gone silent again. I don't want to pester her and I don't want to seem desperate so I've not contacted her because I really just don't have anything to say.
I write a blog and I know she visits it--at one point I posted a couple of entries that I knew she was going to read (I've since stopped that). Seems to me she's keeping tabs to see if my words are consistent when I speak with her and when I speak to the world.
Thanks for your advice. I'm really trying so hard to be positive and faithful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): To add to the aphorisms, only time will tell. The problem is when she needed you to be serious and have respect for her you gave her several reasons for her not to trust you. You belittled her by telling her she needed more experience is life, as if she was no match to you. Although she might have said that she has forgiven your indiscretions, forgiven doesn't mean forgotten. If she is to seriously consider you as a life mate, she will have evaluate the ups and downs of your relationship (and it sounds like there were a lot of downs, especially on her side of things).
Right now she is trying to determine if there is a guy out there that is better for her, that will treat her like she wants to be treated and not have your doubts. If you truly want to be with her, then telling her that you will win her back despite her plea for distance will only push her further away. Saying to her "I will win you back" almost sounds as if she doesn't have any choice in the matter. That you will eventually wear her down and she will settle down with you just because of your persistence. This is the wrong way to go.
The best thing you can do is reinforce what you have already said. Admit the faults of your past, explain why you did the things you did and guarantee her that you will not make the same mistakes again and express why. Tell her what has changed. Tell her most importantly that you are truly prepared to be her friend...which means that you will always be a support system for her, respect her and value her thoughts and opinions.
It sounds like you have some romantic chemistry but the foundation of the relationship is bad. Building a strong friendship first might be the best way to eventually resume the romantic relationship you had.
But this will take time, perhaps a lot of time and you have to prepare yourself for that. You might have to settle for the serenity of the simple pleasure of friendship before anything else.
Good luck.
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