A
female
age
41-50,
*ads1979
writes:Hi cupids, in May this year my what was to me perfect world crashed. I was hospilised for what we thought was a stroke, (I'm 37) however after many many tests I have a neurological condition which is called hemipligic migraines, which after an attack will leave me paralysied from 3 days to 3 months depending on the severiaty of the attack. It has also left me struggling with short term memory recall and remembering how to spell the simplist of words. This condition has left me house bound and reliant on others, mainly my husband, he has been wonderful, I have had my outbursts, because I am stuck in this house unless he is here to help me, I can not walk down stairs, I can no longer drive, and we now sleep in seperate rooms. The past 2 months I have fought my body back hard and I have got myself up and walking again.I have tried several times in the past few months to seduce my husband, I keeped up our date nights and we went to the movies where as we were alone in the cinema I tried to rub him up, now before I got sick this was very welcomed by him, however this night he pushed me away and said to behave myself, when we got to our dinner booking, I had requested our usual private table, when we got there he asked if we could be seated somewhere else where he could watch the football on the tv. I have tried to kiss him but he just tells me he is tired, and not in the mood. In 7 months we have had sex a total of 4 times and all 4 have ended with me in tears as he climbs into bed with me in the morning before he is due to get ready for work, he rubs me up a little then he will remove my pants and he takes me from behind, which just leaves me wanting more, but its all over and he gets up and gets ready for work, comes in tells me he is sorry and he loves me and he is out the door while I am left just crying because my husband who before I was sick, was so very very attentive to my every need sexually, as I was him. I tried to still tend to him sexually until 3 months ago as I was so very over being told no and he was too tired, it never before mattered how tired he was, he and I always made sex a huge prioity and we both very much loved and enjoyed it.My husband is still very doting and caters to all of my other needs other than my sexual ones. I do not believe he is cheating. But this morning as the rest of the furniture turned up for me to set up my room, I went into what was our room to gather the rest of my clothes and books and my jewlery etc, to find the tissues he had used last night and again this moring, I changed the sheets on his bed yesterday and they were not there, so I messaged him this morning and told him I will be out of his room today and will nor invade his privacy again as that is his personal space and I am sorry. He told me to not be silly that it is our house and our rooms and I have the right to entre which ever room I please. I in return said I know you no longer find me diserable and you no longer want to make love to me, you occasionally like to rip off a quick one for yourself using me, and you cant bare to look at me, you can only bring yourself to peck me on the lips, I used to crave more but I accept that this is how it is now and I love you enough to respect your privacy, and respect that you cant bring yourself to want me as you used to. But I wont pretend it doesnt hurt, I know in the back of my mind you watch porn and rub one off I know, but too see the evidence of it hurts, espically when your wife craves for you and every attempt she makes you push me away. Yesterday I tried, while we watched movies here at home and relaxed I gave him light massages and I did everything that would normally lead to him allowing my to pleasure him however before we got that far he stopped me and as I was upset from being knocked backed again (I mean I'm getting better, I am walking unassisted in the house, I do not need his help to shower, I am working hard towards getting back to normal, yes I'll have set backs but I'm working on getting back to work and being his wife again, but it doesnt seem to matter to him) so I told him I was feeling tired and was going to lay down for an hour, he said ok ill go out and watch the cricket in the shed and cuddle with Jasper (our dog) He shows them more affection than he does me. I'm so hurt and I don't know what to do to get him intrested in me again. I miss him. I mean he is attentive but in the way of ensuring my physical needs are met, if I go to get up to make a cup of tea he wont hear of it he will do it for me, he gets annoyed if I dont let him, if I'm going to get a bottle of water, he will get it. Now Im a chef, but he fights with me about cooking dinner because its too much on me, I have to tell him to back off, I need to do it. How do I get him to look at me again? How do I get him to kiss me in the way he does that even after 20 years I still get dizzy, how do I get him to make love to me, to pay attention to me and remember I have needs too??
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 December 2016):
 I am sorry that your world has been turned upside down, and I would also bet my life on it that his has been as well. He wants to get you better, he loves you. He want's you to be healthy again. He is scared off being intimate with you in case it sets back your recovery. He probably does feel like your carer at times, but he loves you and he does not want to hurt you. I bet you are as attractive to him now as you have ever been. It just sounds like he is petrified off setting you back. He is treating you like a China doll because he is scared. He is not sure what the future holds and he is afraid that he will set back your recovery. He is petrified off hurting or upsetting you. Have you both tried counselling? To me it sounds like you both need it as both your worlds have been turned upside down. He does not need porn, he just uses it as a release.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2016): You mention nothing of physical therapy or an assistance nurse. Pardon me for presuming on your financial situation; but it would seem that having some assistance with your mobility and care would take some of the burden off your husband.
Catering to your every need but your need for intimacy, is because your illness is all he may be able to see right now. At some point the illness overtook you; and you were incapacitated to a helplessness he has never seen before. He was deeply traumatized by it, but seeing you that way may have changed the way he may perceive you. You're not totally you right now. Unfortunately; men don't express their inner-most feelings, they/we hide them. Leaving women grasping for explanations and blaming themselves for the emotional-detachment and distance you feel between you as a couple. It always comes down to your self-esteem and questioning if you're still desirable. I don't think that's your problem, it's his not seeing you as you right now. He can only perceive you as your illness.
For now, I think it is best you focus on recuperating; because placing too much of your attention on this issue will depress you and zap you of your strength to fight. You are too focused on him right now. You're more needy for his validation to prove you are still attractive. Not saying you don't have physical needs and sexual urges as well. I don't trivialize that in any way.
I know you want normalcy; but for now, that really isn't the case. You must be more concerned about your physical recovery; than trying to seduce your husband. It's taking a toll on you, and it's more than you should be worrying about right now.
A heart to heart talk is necessary perhaps at some point. The only problem is, you can't get the words out without a lot of emotion and pain. You've vented to us. The one you should be venting to, is your husband.
Here's my suggestion. Read your post to yourself from beginning to end a couple of times. Then just leave it alone. Get a pen and pad, and write your husband a very heartfelt letter explaining exactly how you feel, and what you've told us. I can tell by the volume of the post, that you have held in a lot of this emotion; and you haven't been able to say these things aloud. It's obviously too painful, and being as empathic as I can be sometimes; I sense the pain and sorrow in an OP's post. Yours is very moving, and my heart goes out to you. I will not insult your dignity with pity. That's not what you've asked us for.
A letter will express the deepest feelings without emotionalizing to the degree he is unable to listen; and becoming either overcome with guilt; and/or being the typical man, avoiding an emotional situation that may draw a lot of tears from you. Men withdraw when women emotionalize, nature designed it that way. It's to protect women. Tears actually lower the testosterone-level, the effect can pretty powerful at times. Men retreat, or back-off.
The letter will also be quite therapeutic; because you can take the time you did in writing us, to edit it to only what needs to be said; versus laying the poor man on a guilt-trip.
It is no doubt he loves you like crazy; but your being so young and incapacitated in such a way, just makes it hard for him to press beyond what his eyes can see. He has to see with his heart; which obscures superficial or physical imperfections. That changes things.
Try the letter. Don't complain, don't accuse, and don't use the letter as a weapon. It is your way of letting him know you miss him, love him, and understand what he might feel; but it is you who is the person suffering most. He may someday have a stroke or some debilitating illness. I'm sure you will be right there by his side all the while.
It is a sad part about our human nature that we begin to see a person with a chronic or long-term illness as the illness; and lose the vision of that wonderful and loving human being. Above their illness or imperfections.
He can't get beyond feeling terribly sorry for you; and visualizing you in your poorest state of health. Not the vibrant and attractive person you normally are. You still show symptoms of your illness, and it is constantly on his mind. He's trying to avoid seeing it when you're making love.
Time heals, and he will see you more as yourself. Your recovery will remind him of the woman you are still; but he cannot see it for the maladies you struggle with daily.
I am so sorry that some men just can't see past things like this. Trying to tell you what you should do is very difficult for people who cannot see you, cannot witness the interaction between you and your husband; and we certainly cannot read his mind. If only he too could send us a post giving his side. I'm sure it would be touching.
Sometimes couples struggle with telling each other how they really feel. He doesn't have the heart nor the nerve to say what is truly on his mind. Mainly because he is being especially careful of your feelings and avoiding looking like a jerk. Sorry to say, but he is being somewhat of a jerk and a coward. He is pushed by his guilt to be sweet, but he's treating you like an invalid. It's stuck in his head, because he is being somewhat superficial. He is seeking alternative means of release, at the worst time ever.
One of the things that make women so special, is their uncanny capacity/ability to see beyond imperfections in the people they truly love. I know war veterans and men with serious injuries that even disfigure them; but their wives and girlfriends stick by them like glue. They are totally affectionate, their sex-lives are unchanged, and they continue having children together. I am not quite sure why nature did not instill this wonderful and noble quality in men as predominately as it seems to be shown in women. Not to say, there are men who love their wives and mates no differently after mastectomies and radical surgeries. They love them no less, and sometimes even more after witnessing their bravery and strength as women and human beings. I know I certainly would.
Fight your way back, get some additional medical assistance in the form of physical-therapy. Maybe even a personal-trainer. At the very least, a home-care service provider to take the responsibility of nursing you from your husband. Fight the tears, too many lead to depression. Depression is just a few steps from giving-up. Nothing in your post says that is necessary. He isn't just physically exhausted, he's emotionally exhausted.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2016): I think you need to cut your husband some slack.
He sounds like a good man.
Maybe he got freaked out thinking about your (and his?) mortality?
Perhaps at some level he thinks that vigorous sex would be bad for you. Things take time. If your sex life doesn't improve quickly enough for you, you could suggest seeing a therapist.
I hope you and he can work it out!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2016): HiDo you think he might be scared? Scared of having sex with you and making you climax? Scared what that might do to your health? Maybe he thinks it will bring about another attack. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but at least it sounds as if your husband still loves you, which is why the only answer I can think of is maybe he looks upon you a little differently now. Someone who needs his help, but not his advances and sexual needs. How much have you talked to him about this? He might think that he doesn't want to pester you for sex, if you're unwell. Or when it's you instigating, he gets scared about you getting ill again. Having an orgasm can raise blood pressure can't it and although that has nothing to do with your health condition, because it was a suspected stroke to begin with, maybe he's left with this lingering fear about exciting you? Talk to him and ask him why he doesn't want to please you anymore? Maybe he thinks sex isn't somehow appropriate at the moment or something.I don't know, but he might. Good luck x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2016): It is good to know that your illness is not life threatening and fully curable. You should concentrate at this stage to speed up your recovery and gain your health back by augmenting your medication by exercising and by taking up mentally challenging tasks to exercise your mind. Dont forget that the brain is only a muscle that can be strengthened by exercise. you should set goals to achieve like learning another language or play a musical instrument or whatever that interest you. You have two things going for you. One you are still young and two you have a loyal husband who is clearly supporting you. Regarding sex you should give him time. look, a guy can fake anything but he cant fake an erection. Clearly he is standing by you and hoping for your recovery but right now he is not attracted to you sexually. You should give him time to recover too. There is nothing wrong if you also have a rub.
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