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male
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anonymous
writes: Hi there, I'm hoping you can help me out here! I'm in a 9-months-and-counting long-distance relationship with a girl quite a bit younger than me. By long distance I mean, an hour drive and I only get to see her on weekends (this is very hard on me sometimes). By younger, we're talking about 9 years. She seems like a real straight shooter and we love each other. BUT I GET REEEEAAALLL JEALOUS sometimes. This weekend is a good example. I went with her to a bachelor/bachelorette party. One of the guys that attended couldn't bring his girlfriend along for some reason, and over the course of the night began flirting with MY girl. Small stuff at first, and I pointed it out to her. She said she hadn't noticed. He, however, noticed me noticing and began to do it much more obviously and in my face. He was doing stuff like dancing right in front of her, almost crotch-to-face level (she was drunk and had the bride dancing on her lap, so he wasn't THAT close.. but he was getting there), and later in the evening we were at a house and there were penis-shaped cookies.. He asked her "Hey, want some dick?" I began to get very angry but didn't take it out on this guy (like I maybe should have?).. I began giving my girl the cold shoulder and at the end of the night, I blew up on her. To her credit, she didn't egg him on, but she knew I was getting angry and she could've walked away from him. I COULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING TO HIM AND I DIDN'T. He knows that we are going out and did that stuff anyway. I feel very disrespected. My girlfriend was angry that I blew up on her and I eventually felt guilty and apologised, bought her flowers and a card, etc. BUT I'M STILL VERY ANGRY ABOUT IT. A bit at her because she didn't appear to value my feelings in the matter (she basically said "what do you want me to do about it?"), and definitely at him because I know he was baiting me, egging me on. And I have to go to the wedding where they are both standing up for the ceremony this weekend. I've since heard from her friends that he's harmless, that he flirts with everyone, that he loves his girlfriend, etc. Great, that doesn't excuse the fact that he was doing it in front of me. And I didn't see him hitting on other girls that night. OOOOOOHH!! I'm pissed!! I need some suggestions on how to handle my jealousy in a cool, collected manner. I can't loose my cool again, I feel very dumb afterwards.. Like HE won! I could also use some suggestions on how to handle the wedding this weekend. He may very likely be walking my girl down the aisle, dancing with her, etc. PLEASE HELP!! And thanks in advance.
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drunk, flirt, flowers, jealous, long distance, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I would like to thank everyone for their responses. I took eyeswideopen's suggestion and booked myself an appointment with a counselor that specializes in depression, anxiety and relationship issues. Hopefully it helps. I just wish he could've booked me in before the wedding! At any rate, I'll be doing videography at the wedding so I'll be kinda busy. My girlfriend is gonna be so busy that I pretty much won't see her much this weekend at all. She's really stressed about how much stuff she has on her plate right now (work, all the wedding stuff, and much more) - Tasks are flying at her at all angles it seems. I, on the other hand, am fighting as hard as I can to not feel neglected.. Because whether anyone wants to agree with me or not, I SINCERELY FEEL THAT I AM. She calls once a day, before bed. Bitches about her stress. I understand, empathize and try to be supportive. I keep telling myself "Next weekend will be better." But I'm not believeing it. I'm not letting on to her as far as I know, though. That would just be one more stressor.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (20 September 2006):
 I really don't think your girlfriend has anything to do with the problem. If you broke up with her you will still have a problem in the next relationship. You need to get some therapy to improve your self-esteem and anger management. A little counseling will be a huge relief for you. Don't wait set up an appointment today. As for the Wedding this weekend, don't drink, stay cool, ignore the other guy, and and keep smiling no matter what. You can do it. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Astrid  +, writes (19 September 2006):
 Be unfaithful... then u'll worry about not being discovered hahha it's a joke dear try to relax and enjoy your love life
good luck
sorry about spelling
ciao
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A
female
reader, Astrid +, writes (19 September 2006):
Be unfaithful... then u'll worry about not besing discovered hahha it's a joke dear try to relax and enjoy your love life
good luck
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A
female
reader, Jinny +, writes (19 September 2006):
 Hi there...You have one HUGE plus on your side.
You recognise the problem and want to do something about it!!
This is so positive that I am sure in time you will form a really hapy and stable relationship.
One thing I must comment on. You mention that you get depressed when you drink ,then drink more and get even more unsure of yourself. Try cutting down on the alcohol.
Alcohol acts as a stong depressant on some people, and I suspect you are one of these. Try drinking a drink with coke...the next drink coke minus the alcohol and so onso that you still look like you are drinking but are taking in less alcohol.
This way you can go out and feel confident that the REAL caring and fun loving you will not be swamped. You will be able to cope with the mild flirtatious behaviour that most women indulge in at parties and events.
Many women need the glances and attention of men to bolster their self confidence. Even in a longstanding happy relationship couples often look, flirt but don't touch...its a form of reassurance that they are not loosing their "Sex appeal"
My bet is less alcohol and you will find things easier to cope with and so boost your own confidence.
Your girlfriend comes back to you.... she doesn't want anyone else...so let the other men try their best...keep showering her with love and caring and of course the odd unexpected small gift of chokkies and flowers. A love poem, a card....Women love romance and that is the best way to keep her by your side.
Good luck and try less alcohol..it will make a huge effect on how you feel and cope.
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A
female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (19 September 2006):
 I don't want to tell you to break up with her, but perhaps some counselling may help you - does this go back to your childhood? - were you part of a large family where you were made to feel as though you were 'not as important' as your siblings?
I say this as I come from a family of five children, and there is a 6yr age gap between myself and my younger sister, and she was the apple of my father's eye - which really upset the apple cart for me, as up until then I had been the youngest, and now had to share..
This resulted in me being naughty in order to get the attention of my parents - which in turn made my father dislike me and he took all his anger and resentment out on me. I never remember getting so much as a hug or a kiss from him, or even a conversation.. so now I, too, have grown up 'needy', and my self-esteem has always been very delicate as a result. I am also a jealous person, and have had to deal with the same issues.
So I hope you do as I did and get some therapy to enable you to deal with these feelings, as they will not go away on their own, and if left, they magnify and can be crippling to your emotional life. And please, don't take it out on your girl - remember, she has done no wrong...and it IS you that this lovely lady is going home with, after all - and not that jerk!
YOU are the one she wants.
Just be content with the fact that she is YOUR girl - it depends on your behaviour as to whether she is happy to keep it so!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your help. I really need it (and any more anyone would like to give)! I blew up on my girlfriend once before too.. This is the second time. I realise that it's not a good thing and want to change my way of thinking. It kinda all stems from this: I'M NEEDY!! I haven't dated a ton of girls and she has dated quite a few guys. I'd had a hard time dealing with that too. But here's how it's been - We only get to see each other on weekends, like I mentioned. I have had the feeling for a while that the distance bugs me more than her. We talk on the phone every night, but usually that's it, right before she's going to bed. So the conversation is often limited, as she needs to get up early every day.. She's really busy with work etc. and she's told me that "As bad as it sounds, I've kinda gotten used to you not being around." All this has me feeling like she doesn't care about me as much as I care about her. She doesn't really display alot of affection over the phone and this bugs me too. I need to say right now though, when we're together it's normally really great. Just on the phone she comes off really blase and uncaring sometimes. SO!! The first time I blew up at her was at a party a couple months ago - She is a real social butterfly and runs around talking to everyone. I on the other hand, am not so much. So I'll talk to people for a while and then notice that she's never really around me too much at these things. She'll come by every now and again and see how I'm doing, give me a kiss etc. and then is off again. I'll start noticing how the other couples are, for the most part, usually hanging together. And we're not. And I'll be drinking. And getting pissed. And then thinking about how we barely talk much during the week. And feeling sorry for myself. And getting more pissed. That's what happened at the first party. I started off fine, but by the end of the evening I chewed her out. Dammit! I don't want to be like this. She's just very independent, and very social. I've been wishing for someone who'd hang with me the whole night and be happy doing so. I mean, normally I'm pretty cool! I want to be able to stop feeling needy and childish like this and be happy on my own at the party, knowin that she's there for me if I need her. Sorry this is so long, but I think this stuff is the real root of my problem. Feeling neglected, feeling like I'm not a big concern. I've talked to her about this other times (without yelling) and she seems to understand, but what it usually amounts to is that she'll call a little more for a couple weeks and then things go back to the way they were. I don't know. I hope you folks can give me a little shove in the direction I need to go here. I'm kinda betting that most of you will say, "She's not what you are looking for. Break up with her." But I love her, she's super-kool and I want to make it work. HALP!!
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A
female
reader, lonley15girl +, writes (19 September 2006):
you have to just trust her and if she see that you trust her and not be jealousy under control i think that you would have a good relationship!!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, Toria +, writes (19 September 2006):
 We have all been in situations that have increased our jealously some more than others, jealously is a normal emotion and at some point we all suffer from it to different extents, the best thing I suggest is talking to your girlfriend and explain to her how you feel also telling her that you know and understand that she did not in any way encourage him although he not nipping it in the bud made you feel uncomfortable. You really have to realise that your girlfriend is going to get attention as are you, that doesn't mean that your girlfriend is going to return that attention and do anything that she shouldn't. You are best off not showing to the bloke that you are getting annoyed by this as alot of people crave this kind of reaction and you are just feeding him to do it more.
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