A
male
age
,
*26imeh
writes:My wife and I have had a lot of problems during the last 6 of our 21 year marriage. She cheated and was caught. To this day I have a hard time dealing with trusting her. My insecurities have been agrivated by her close friendships with a few men, and a year or two of total deciet. She seems to have stopped her infidelities, but I see how I can be abusive and driving her further away when I get angry she is with those men friends. In all honesty, I think she will choose her friends over our marriage. I don't think anything is going on with these guys and she has denied it ever has. She can talk to these guys about anything, but seldom relates to me. I know my issues are causing problems with the lack of trust. She feels I am keeping her prisoner for not wanting her to be with her friends. In light of an emotional affair along with a few sexual affairs she had, I am not at ease with her maintaining men friends. What I want is my marriage back in tact. I would like a few unbiased answers to these questions please. Do you think its OK for her to have a close friendship with a man? He is in the middle of a divorce. Am I wrong for getting angry at her for these men friendships? She has almost no girlfriends. I went to counseling and it didn't help me much, she refuses to see a counseler saying that I am the one that needs help. I can't help thinking that that is unfair, is it? Shouldn't we be going together? Thank you
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (13 February 2008):
 I think you both need help. She may deny needing help herself, but you weren't the one haveing the affair. That behavior was acted upon by her. Do you have the right to control who she associates with? Nope. Now, with her afairs, that was her choice. It was equally your choice to work out the marriage instead of ending it, but no one has the right to choose for the other person who they associate with. In a marriage you trust you're wife is with you and that she respects the marriage enough not to violate that respect. She violated it before, and you made the choice to stay, that doesn't give you the right to alter or restrict her freedom.
If you're forgiving her for the past, you have to do it completely. When forgiving someone, we can't continuing punishing the other person. That shows, true forgiveness really hasn't taken place.
I understand the damage your wife's affair caused you. I can also tell by your anger with her having these friends that you're not someone who really looks forward to having emotionally connected conversations with others. I'll tell you, it's not a sign of weekness to connect at a emotional level. Quite often guys see it as "wimpy" to do so. In your marriage, I think that's where the strength to repair the damage is going to come from.
First you have to let down the man guard and see things from a different direction. You're not angry she has these friends. Your scared. Because of her past behavior you're afraid of these behaviors continuing. You love your wife, and feel threatened by her friendship with this person. I want you to sit down with your wife and without getting angry tell her how you feel. Let her know that you're afraid to loose her. Let her know that her behavior really did hurt and it's hard for you to move past that pain. Let her know just how her behaviors affected you and your trust. Tell her it's not right for you to keep her from friends, but you've been lost within all this to figure out a different answer. Be compassionate with her.
Many women don't cheat because they want out of the marriage, they do so because of the emotional connection they have with the other person. You need to drop your guard and begin meeting her at an emotional level. Take her out on a date. Show her what she means to you. Don't fall into a rutt, which it looks like you are now. Remember that "marriage" its self doesn't have the power to be good or bad. We create our marriage, and the experience we get out of it.
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (12 February 2008):
 Yes if you want your marriage to work out, you both need to be attending the counseling sessions together. Her unwillingness shows that she really doesn't place much value on your relationship. In an otherwise healthy marriage perhaps a few male friendships are harmless. But if they're getting together for drinks or going on other outings together, she's playing with fire. I suspect she is still having an emotional affair with one or more of them because you mentioned that she seems to be able to relate to them and not to you. It's also strange that she doesn't have any female friends. Another red flag in my opinion. Happily married women that want to stay happily married usually have two or three good girlfriends they can hang out with for lunch, or shopping, or a day at the spa. The fact that she's already had a couple of affairs shows me she's been looking for a replacement man and when she finds him, she'll want a divorce. I also question if she still loves you or she's just staying because she's afraid of being alone and she hasn't yet found a good replacement yet. If you want your marriage to work out, you both need to attend counseling to sort out what's going on and to hopefully get back to that place in your marriage when things were good and start re-building your feelings for each other and your trust. Good luck.
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