A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, everyone! ok i have a big problem. im married to a great man who has a child by another women. they had him when they were teenagers and now we are in our early 20's. the childs mother is crazy! my husband didnt have any parental rights {wasnt on birth certificate} so i begged him to get a paternity test so that he could. and now i think i made a mistake. the mother is refusing to change the childs last name and now my husband doesnt seem like he cares.which i think if your paying child support your son should have your name. but besides that now she calls him all the time he tells me about it but the things she says sometimes make me want to hurt her. and my husband is like well i dont want to tell her off to bad cause she has my son and i dont know what shell do but he tells her i dont want you i dont love you etc.{we dont live in the same state as her} but now she's texting him in the mornings good morning boo boo wtf is that about shes calling all hours of the night and im about to go out of my mind. sometimes i wish i would of never made him do what we did and sometimes i wish that he would just give up his parental rights so we can be rid of her and her family forever. but i know its wrong. What do i do? How do i get her to stop before i do something stupid.like hurt her! im tryin to hold my composure but its starting to get really hard i dont like her never have liked her and its ruining my marriage.my husband keeps telling me dont let her get under your skin let me deal with her i know what how to handle her ill never go back to her she hurt me to much in the past.but sometimes i find myself just like about to go crazy.The other thing! the only reason i made him get a paternity test now is cause he told me he was going to deploy to be able to make the money to pay for a lawyer and pay for child support{cause we're in debt} but now he's changed his mind isnt leaving and is trying to get me to work more hours or get a second job so that i can pay for it i dont think this is fair. when we got married we both agreed that i would be a stay at home mom but now i cant be i gotta work and the reason we are in debt is cause of him and he refuses to fix thinks i need to help but i feel its not my kid i mean i know we're married or whatever but still.if i work i want to work so we can get another car or have clothes or a new bed or things we need i dunno if this is selfish or what but its how i feel. and also he is now blaming our situation on me saying he wasnt ready to take the responsibility i shouldnt have made him but he wanted a baby with me and i told him if you want one with me then take care of the one you got first.you should have done it 4 years ago.{when he was born} i dont think i should have to work so that he can pay his child support and pay for expensive laywers to get custody or whatever for his kid. please help!!!!!what do i do.im really thinking about leaving him. i dont know if i made the right decision coming into a marriage with him having a son and a baby's mama who wont leave him alone.ive tired to talk to him but he just tells me stop or whatever. should i leave him or should i suck it up and deal with it until we can some how afford to get cusody{we dont live in the same state as her and i know once we have him shell never see him but shell call but hopefully by then hell be old enough to where she can just talk to him}but until then what should i do!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): I do not understand why people think that just because a woman gives birth to a child that she is then taking good care of it. My husband has a son that he pays child support for. We can't be sure it's his because she refuses a paternity test. She got pregnant on purpose. They never properly dated. She disappeared for months then called and said "I am preganant and its too late for an abortion." She is a drug addict. She takes her two children, to two different fathers, neither of whom she is with, to drug dealers houses. She is bipolar and refuses medication. A few years ago she used to call him all the time just to talk rubbish, because she is mental and thinks they are friends. We are planning a family and I do NOT want my children anywhere near drug addicts, or their children. The child is now ten and all he talks about is drugs! I have never even touched a cigarette in my life let alone drugs. I want these drug addicts out of our lives so that we can raise children with good values in a good environment. I can not let her contaminate my children!He raised the child for his first year of life while she disappeared. You can not tell me she is a good mother. None od this is every the childs fault! But at what stage does anyone start holding a drug addict mother accountable for her own actions?I will be a good mother. I will not have my children around people like that! She does drugs and sleeps all day. Doesn't clothe or feed her children properly and even forgets to pick them up from school. She is just manipulative and trying to get attention. By the way her calling does not mean he is cheating on you. What a rubbish comment! He is like my husband and knows she is crazy and is trying not to upset her. This childs mother never talked about sex with him but the phone calls were still completely unappropraite.I drove past the mother today. I have never said an ill word to her EVER! She looked at me with this monstrous face a gave me the finger.Children are important, but MY child will take priority and I will not have them witness this sort of feral behaviour. Men make some silly mistakes in their youth. They were just randy teens unaware of how evil and crazy some women are.If your husbands exs priority was the child she would not be wasting her time making stupid phone calls.Tell your husband she is just trying to control you. Now are you gonna man up, or do you wanna lose the chance of having a normal stable family with your wife?BTW I'm in Australia and child support is determined by the mans income. Don't dare start paying his bills! You know where that money is going! None of this is your fault and you are not a bad person. Hang in there. There are evil people in the world hell bent on destroying peoples lives. Don't let her!
A
female
reader, emilybederka +, writes (13 April 2010):
I have a very similar situation, but just a little different. My fiancee and I have custody of his son. His ex is a crazy psycho. First, what you need to do is stop and take a look around. YOU are the one married to him, YOU are the one living with him, YOU are the one he loves. The ex is a controlling crazy person, and she is gunna be his baby mama forever, so you need to learn to deal with it. There is a reason they are no longer together. There is a reason you two are married. She is being jealous and feels like she has to keep him under her thumb, but all it is going to do is drive him away from her further. Remember that you two made a promise to each other to be together forever. You have to remember also that no matter what he says or does, he cannot control what she does. I have been going thru this for a year with my fiancee. At first, I let it get to me and it did cause lots and lots of problems with our relationship. My man would tell her, in front of me, to leave him alone and that she needs to stop, but I had to realize that he really cant control her. I had to realize that I was letting her win. Eventually it got to the point where I decided to tell him not to tell me when they talked anymore or what she said. YOU CANNOT CONTROL THE SITUATION. that is something I had to realize. So, I made the decision to trust my man, which I am glad I did, and remember that she was only trying to come between him and I. Eventually, when she realized she was only pissing him off and not getting what she wanted, she stopped. If you step in and start telling her off and speaking for your man, she is only going to see that she is getting to you and it is going to get worse. Rise above. You are the woman in his life, not her. Trust your man, and try not to allow her to get to you. Easier said than done, but you will only be hurting yourself if you don't just let it go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): Hi,
My problem is almost like the young lady: A female age 22-25, anonymous. I am sick and tired of my husbands ex girlfriend, she is trying to ruin our life, and realtionship.
The only reason she had a child by husband was because she was going to leave him for a women, and she needed a man she could use to help her support the child until he came of age, and guess what, she picked the right guy. She filed for child support when she found out we were getting married.
This was back in 2005, and he has been paying 328.00 every two weeks since then. The other day, we received a letter from child support stating that she is to get an adjustment and now she is getting 507.00 dollars every two weeks, not to mention when this kid comes over, the rest of his money and time goes into his child.
I am not working and I am attending school for my MBA, and I receive social security which allows me to help with the majority of my bills except two which I put on him monthly. I am tired of him not taking me out or not knowing where to go for entertainment with me. When she calls, his tone is different, pleasant, and very nice. She uses the child support to go to Atlantic City, and she is constantly running and dropping the kid off at whomever house that she can leave him at.
He tries to give me a little money here or there, but I feel like his ex gets the majority of his salary while I get the left overs. She went to housing and requested a larger apartment cause she has legal custody, and she also as her sister two children as she passed away last year.
I sometime feel that my husband married me because he needs someone to help him take care of his son when he has to work, not to mention when he gets him every other weekend I am watching him, cooking, and washing there clothes and cleaning the house. I attend to classes a week and I have an internship which I do twice a week for 15 hours. He hardly takes me out, and he thinks all he has to do is give me 100 here or there, and I am suppose to be happy. I want more in my life. I have NO children, I have obtained my AAS, BA, and now my MBA. I don't know if I am happy anymore, and the kid wants nothing more then his gay mother to get back together with his father.
What should I do? Confused
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2008): Dont leave your husband over this before you have explored all possible solutions. Get some counselling if you think it might help
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): Hi my dear,
Firstly a couple of things I just have to say. This is a free advice site, none of us get money, we do this for free. If you want to go it alone, well you know what, there are ton's of people asking for help and we have lots of work to do.
Secondly, if you don't tell us the whole story then how can we help. You didn't mention anything about drugs, you didn't mention that your partner was crying and worried about his son, all you talked (well ranted) about with this other woman and how much you hate her, and some money stuf..
Thirdly, you very angry with us, but we have done nothing to you. If you had asked for our help before you married we would have given you advice. If you had asked for our advice before you called in the lawyers we would have given you alternatives. This is your situation and it's your life. We are a bunch of strangers who give up our time to help people out.
Yes of course it's irritating when somebody wants to steal your husband, but she's a drunk and a "coke head", she's no threat to your marriage. Apart from the inconvience, just hang up the phone and ignore her, she'll soon fall asleep in her own vomit. Or, as many have suggested, just turn off the bloody phone. What do you care about her opinions, she's a drug addict, what do you care about what she thinks about you, stuff her. When she rings if she is drunk and rude, just hang up the phone and put it on mute. First problem solved.
I know your angry with the situation that you find yourself in, but at the moment, it's us your being angry with and it dosen't really put you into a good light. Thanks for your recent update, now the situation is clearer, it is easier to see what is going on. You may be a good woman, but I can only go by the words you have written and at first you didn't seem to care much about the child. Thanks for pointing out that you are worried about his safety and his development whilst he is living in such a bad environment.
Right the money thing.. Your guy is in the army.. can't he talk to someone who can help to get him to restructure the debt and set up a budget. I'm not sure how this works in the USA, but in the UK we have people you can go to that will help you get out of debt. Since he is in the army and you are at war in Iraq, surely their are charities that servicemen can turn to. I'm no expert in all of this, I don't know much about the army or the USA, but you need help with your debts and they may be help out there for the two of you.
You shouldn't need to pay lawyers and do all these things. Again you need to get advice, but if she is an unfit mother then can't you declare her as such and get the government to step in. Again in the UK, this is what we would do. If you are dealing with an unfit mother then the government steps in and takes the children away. Rather than wanting to hurt her, call in the cops, let them find the drugs, they will take the kids away and then you will get the child.
Your anger is directed at your husband and this woman, and I can understand how frustrated you feel, and I understand (from what you have written) this guy you are married to is not much help and you feel like your fighting this thing on your own. We do want to help, but maybe we can't say the things you want. You really must calm down before your anger and your frustrations make things worse. You need to stay calm, and you need to get some distance from this situation. This woman is only a problem in your marriage because you allow her to be. If she has a drug problem, you have more amunition to fight against her, whilst all she can do is scream and curse. Think about what I have said, and hopefully another uncle or aunt with more experience of the USA or the military system can help you out and give you better advice than we have there.
I know your angry, but you need to calm down and think about solutions to your problems. Yes things seem awful and you might decide at the end of the day that it's too hard for you and your marriage is over. But being calm and trying to solve the problem will do you better than getting angry and shouting at people who are desperately trying to help you solve things out for the best.
We really do want you to work this out, it's as frustrating as hell for you. But again, you and your husband need to talk. You need to work this out together and remain strong together, and then this woman won't be able to hurt you at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok thanks but no thanks im not the evil step mother! the whole reason i demanded it was cause my husband would cry and be all depressed because of the situation his son was in every six months moving from trailer park to trailer park bus to bus house to house where ever it was his mother is a coke head has two other kids by two other daddys which those daddys are meth head and other stuff the grand mother doesnt let him play outside hes 4 not in school and all he does is play video games he talks like a 2 year old doesnt know what he should know at his age and i didnt step in and do anything all i told him was if he wanted a baby with me he had to take care of the one hes got now b4 i consider it and he wont go to prison for having two job in the military my dad did it he just doesnt want to and another thing i take care of children for a living ok none of this has to do with the child i men it does in the aspect that i want him to come to a better home n living environment i was saying what do i do about her calling all hours of the night saying you wanna sex me being drunk calling me cussing me out or saying well he loved me first and what not ok.and as far as money we do spilt everything we are just so far in debt that both of our checks go to bills.we dont get new clothes or go to the movies or anything like that ok. you know what thanks all but no thanks ill deal with this myself!!!!!!
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female
reader, Pretty Eyes +, writes (30 September 2008):
I understand exactly how you feel. But I disagree about him giving up his rights. I'm a baby mama to the 5th power so believe me..I feel you. What really got my attention is that she calls him at all hours and texts him??? Ummm hello? Girlfriend, it's very obvious that something is going on between them. Please please please look more into that. Alot of women think they know their husbands aren't cheating and gets that awful unwelcomed surprise that they are in fact cheating. If I were you I'd tell him that all 3 of you have a FOC meeting and agree on an amount that makes the baby mama happy and something that doesn't brake ya'lls pockets. But please investigate those calls, I dont care what you gots to do because if he's cheating then that'll save you the stress of all the head aches and buss a move (boop boop on him huh). Well I hope I was of some help lol.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): Madam,
There are several things that you say that causes me tons of concern.
"i dont like her never have liked her and its ruining my marriage"
What has your feelings about this woman got to do with your marriage. She is the mother of your partner's son. I am very much aware that you have said very little about his child, even though you are for all intents and purposes a stepmother. Poor kid.. I hear a very angry woman (and in my opinion) jealous woman who is married too a father who dosen't really care about the child either way.
This child already has a family. He has a mother and a grandmother, who feed him, dress him, look after him and kiss and protect him. Your wish to claim parental rights and custody seems very strange to me as well. Your husband isn't too bothered, but you keep pushing. Why?? You don't seem to like this kid, you don't like it's mother, why are you trying to force your husband and yourself into their life? Because of the money?.. Do you think that paying money makes your husband a father. He dosen't seem that interested in the child, why are you trying to force him into a relationship that he dosen't want.
I'm not sure why you have actually come here to ask advice. It is very clear to me, that you don't actually want any. You have made up your mind, you know what you want to do, and whether your husband, this other woman or her family want it, you will do whatever you want to do.
You married a man that already had a son with another woman. The arrangements were made and he was paying his share. You come along and start demanding paternity test, name changes, and now it seems to me you want to steal this woman's child. What the hell is going on in your mind? What kind of agenda do you have? This is not about the child, this is not about your husband. It seems to me that this is all about you and this woman and a vendetta against someone you don't like.
I am frightened to what will happen if your husband dose get custody. You are angry at paying for lawyers, I wonder what will happen when you actually have to feed and put clothes on this kid. Do you know, from where I'm standing you fit the sterotype of the nasty stepmother very nicely.
Your partner is in the military, how the heck can he get another job, he already has one. Do you want him to go to prision. Your married, it is difficult for you and him to seperate your earnings and say this is yours or this is his. Anything he has to spend on his son has to come out of the shared household pot. Don't do any extra work if it distresses you, but you must realise that both of you will have to do without.
You married him, you knew his situation. Stop the custody proceedings, sack the lawyers and then you both will have more money. He is perfectly right, it is better not to make his son's mother mad cause she can make life very difficult for the both of you. If you hadn't made things so formal, you probably wouldn't ended up in this situation. But what is done is done. Unless he really wants to spend more time with his son, I would suggest you leave things alone for the moment. Things were fine untill you started demanding things, it's not surprising that this other woman thinks that it is her he wants. I suggest you both back off and work on your marriage. There seems to be lots of things wrong that don't involve this other woman at all.
Instead of demanding things my dear, you would be better of communicating with your husband and finding out what he wants to do. It's his baby and hers, nothing to do with you, except for the money you loose out on due to the child's need for financial support. Your marriage is your business, I suggest you ask him, as everyone suggest to turn of the phone if she starts any romantic nonsense. Or even take the phone and ask her (very politely) if you can do that, to leave your husband alone cause he's not interested in anything but his son. You have problems my dear, but I think you should take a long hard look at yourself because one of the problems at the moment is your attitude to life, marriage and relationships.
Calm down and work out what you want and how you and your husband can work together and make your marriage and his relationship with this mother and child work properly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto the last person that wrote i wish you would have read it a little bit closer i do work he wants me to work more hours or get a second job.at first i wanted to be a stay at home mom but we got into alot of debt so now i have to work but he wants me to take on another job or work over hella over time{which i already do sometimes} so that we can afford to pay child support he doesnt want to get one he says hes in the military an he cant!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): I think you sound really selfish here. You married a man with a child, now you dont want to do more help out? If you love him, you should love his son also, and if that means getting a job and not being a stay at home mom then you should be doing it. Im sure if your husband wasnt married to you he wouldnt have to support you, therefore he would have enough $$$ to support his child! He made him, and at least he is trying to support him. You should be supportive of his choice to do the right thing. To many dead beat dads dont care. How would u feel if you were the ex!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok im going to set something striaght so people will stop saying her mother was the one that took care of the child his whole life my husband was not in the childs life because she wouldnt let him see him and also she just recently started taking care of the child{when we found out paternity} the child doesnt even call her mama he calls his grandmother mama!!!!!!he didnt leave her she left him cause of her mother. now give me advice.and thanks to those that have already!Also my husband did try as a tenager to be in his life but they would not let him they said just give me money but you cant see him.{i know this for a fact i seen it with my own two eyes}now do you still think that he doesnt have the right for his kid to have his name?
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female
reader, laidbackladybird  +, writes (30 September 2008):
I toally agree with the first comment.The childs name should be the same as the mothers, she is bringing him up and going to the parents evenings at school etc.. so the child should have the same name as her. Just becauseyour husband is putting some income towards the child, doesn't mean he buys the right to the second name. Surely she is also putting in time and money into her child too.You need to stay out of the relationship between them as much as possible. The will want to and it is best for the child to try to stay friends for the childs sake.You are allowing her the power to wind you up, only you can give or take that away, you need to remeber who your husband is with and not give that power to his ex, I know it's hard but you really need to rise above it all.He should be working hard though and not exspecting you to do all the work.Unfortunately he has this responsibility and you need to decide whether you are ok with it or not, unfortunately he does have a child and you can't change that so you either work things out in your own head and deal with it all or leave.If you did get custordy, she'll still be in your life - she always will.You need to think this all through and maybe make reasnable suggestions which will help your relationship, such as the turning off the phone at night as suggested or asking her to only call if there is a medical emergency with his son. Ask him not to reply to any texts such as the morning ones or reply 'say morning to my son from me and my wife' so he makes it clear you two are together and the only connection to her is the child.Well done for sticking to your guns about having another child! You should wait until you and he are able to sort your finaces. Once you have a child together things may become better as she'll see that he is moving on with his life.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (30 September 2008):
 I agree with emilysanswers. Because your husband pays child support that means the child has his name? Hang on, the mother is also paying child support everyday! So he has hers.
It riles me when people bang on about being in debt and not being able to afford child support. Tough. Thats not the childs problem. It needs to be fed and clothed, school trips, sweets at the shop, shoes, friends party presents, all adds up you know! It doesn't stop as soon as dad moves out and gets with another family.
But he does need to put his foot down with this ex, especially as you 2 are now married, and if he wont do that then yes, you need to decide if you can stick this marriage and all his baggage anymore. He sounds like he's gone a bit milky with her.
C xxxxxx
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (30 September 2008):
The problem really is that you can't do anything. It's between him and her. She's only going to get worse when you get involved because she knows she can hurt you and make you jealous, and she'll enjoying having that power.
It's not up to you or him what the kid's name is. The name reflects the family who brings it up. He's left her so he loses that.
Your husband needs to sort this out and stop answering calls and to turn his phone off at night, so she knows it's pointless calling because she won't get an answer.
If he is refusing to sort things out then I think your best bet is to move out and tell him you'll come back when he has made a decision to stop all the problems and be willing to work out a plan to get out of debt and get YOUR relationship back on track. He's stuck in the middle but I think he needs a push to decide which woman comes first in his life.
Good Luck!! xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): I think that before he goes any further to get a paternity test!!! You never said if the child was his or not.......his ex/mother of his child...does seem very annoying and may be just trying to break you all up....so try and handle this in a more better way....since he cannot see his son(that he doesn't even know is his or not) to cut all contact with her until he knows....but you never know what he is telling her...and make sure that he is not leading her on too..because he should really be more considerate of your feelings...you are his wife..
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