A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I've got this friend of like 7 years, but recently he refuses to see me.We used to be the best of friends and then we got together. It wasnt easy as we were very shy and alot of people made it hard. It ended, by him, I was hurt but we stayed friends because thats the most important thing to me, after he got with his current gf about 18 months ago we had an argument as he suddenly didnt seem to be bothered with me or our friends which got worse after one of his friends let the cat out the bag about me and him years before. I knew of his gf from years ago but I can imagine her to be quite insecure and jealous, as people have also told me.We made up last year and he said he would come and see me sometime but not just yet, which I respect. We used to talk often, both making an effort, so everything was fine, then suddenly it got to me making all the effort and I'm unsure why. Either way I just text him once every few months to see how he was and recently had a lovely conversation with him, just like we used to as best friends and asked if he wanted to meet for a drink, as soon as I said that he didn't reply.I really don;t understand why, he will speak to me fine, reply to texts, say hi if he see's me out with friends (not for too long though), sends me snapchats and views my stories so I don't think he hates me. I know alot of you will say he obviously doesn't want to see you so back off. Please, if you're just going to give me that lecture then please don't bother answering because its not going to help one bit. If he doesn't want to see me thats totally his choice and theres nothing I can do, but I just want to try and understand why he seems to avoid me like the plague, I'm no threat as far as I know, I havent seen him for nearly 2 years and would just like to relive the old times. We get on unbelievably well, so theres no reason not to see me. To be honest even as really good friends things were weird because he didn't seem to like the fact that we had so much in common, its like he cared about me and got on so well but for some reason he didn't actually want to and thats what it feels like now. I know it makes no sense and I'm not going to force him to see me as I like the fact we still talk but have any of you got any ideas as to why this is happening? I just want to understand it because I can't let it go until I understand it in my mind. It's just the person I am.
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best friend, insecure, jealous, shy, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): I won't tell you to back off. You already know that he doesn't want to talk to you and you've used plenty of examples to show this.What I will advise you to do is to develop and invest in other frienddships that are more reciprocal and in the present.Ultimately only he can tell you why he doesn't want to talk to you anymore. But the answer won't change the fact that you are currently flogging a dead horse.You defend your need to know but all it's doing is keeping you frustrated and in the past. I know from having gone through exactly the same situation with a male friend (we'd never dated - but apparently platonic friendship wasn't ok after he got a serious girlfriend) that once you occupy yourself with other things, hobbies or other people you will think about it less and less. You might always wonder but you will at least respect yourself and him enough to stop being a pain in his arse. Because that is what you are doing when you insist on a friendship that he's not so keen on. It's needy and it's very annoying for him. If you care about him at all - let it go.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (9 July 2014):
 "He obviously doesn't want to see you so back off". Humm exactly.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 July 2014):
 I'd think it would be evident why he refuses to see you ?...
Because he has a girlfriend !, who yes, happens to be jealous and possessive, but also if she was not jealous and not possessive at all , she very probably would have a legitimate problem anyway with her boyfriend going out one on one for drinks ( a date, basically ) with a girl who also is an EX, and who anyway is too invested emotionally in her boyfriend, as proven by the fact that said female friend is STILL hung up on engineering a meeting after TWO years of having drifted apart , and after having being turned down for drinks or one-on-one meet ups numerous times.
I think that scenario could rile up MOST girlfriends, not to mention a jealous and possessive one, or at least make them uncomfortable. It is an obvious matter of boundaries : saying hi on the streets is polite, answering briefly a text from you common courtesy, sending you once in a while a snapchat IS keeping in touch socially in a normal acceptable way. More than that , he does not wish to do , and even if he wished , he could not out of respect for hs gf. He cares about his girlfriend , so he does not want to make her uncomfortable .
I know you do not want to be told to back off, but since , on my side, I do not want to be put words in my mouth and be told WHAT I am supposed to answer to the posters , in your best interest I will advise you to learn taking NO for an answer. In life it is important to understand when to keep pushing on, and when to admit graciously defeat.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 July 2014):
 You say he has an insecure and jealous girlfriend which coincides with his cutting any direct contact 18 months ago.
My take on why this is happening is that he feels a bit sorry for you and doesn't want to cut you off entirely. So he keeps his girlfriend happy by not seeing you at all but doesn't feel able to do the cruel thing and cut you off entirely.
If a friend of mine was in your situation, I would tell her to end the contact as she seems to be too close for her own personal well-being.
When you say you can't let it go until you understand it in your mind, is this something that happens often? If someone said, I can't talk to you again because I have a girlfriend now, would that compute?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 July 2014):
 He avoids you like the plague because he doesn't want to see you. He is happy to indulge in some simple texting but as soon as you suggest a face to face meeting ESPECIALLY if it does not include his girlfriend he isn't interested.
Its kind of pointless to post a question here and then try to suggest you are only interested in answers that say what you want them to say.
If you don't want the volunteer agony aunts here to tell you the reason he doesn't want to see you is because he doesn't want to see you then you are asking the wrong people.
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