A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So I have been with my girlfriend for 16 months now and I love her loads, though the past few months have been tough.On our first date she mentioned that she would like to travel around Thailand, which is something I have always wanted to do and thought we would possibly do this together in the future if all things went well. Now to give you some background just as we started dating she went a girls holiday to Marbella, which I had no problem with. However, when she got back she said she was planning to do this every year. From what I know of Marbella it is basically a rich persons clubbing holiday. All her friends are single and she says she is going for the food and to see the Old Town but how many times do you need to go somewhere to experience that.So I thought ok, I do trust you. Now a few months ago I discovered my GF had told her friend something very deep and personal that I explicitly asked her not to tell anyone and I would be very annoyed and angry if she did. I asked her face to face if she had told anyone and she lied to me and I told her I knew she was lying and we had a big argument and she basically blamed it on her being drunk. She is just back from her second girls holiday to Marbella and is now in Thailand with the same friends and feel annoyed that she went without me but I am glad she is doing it. But I now feel like her trip to Marbella is something that she needs to re-consider as in my opinion it is not the sort of holiday you do when you are in a relationship.I would like to hear anyone's opinion?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2014): Do you worry she will find some rich guy in Marbella? I can tell you that it doesn't matter where you go you can find party scene everywhere. Once I was in a small town in Italy and went to a bar and had the best time there. In Greece where I was told is a huge party place which it was I hated it, as it was full of drunken teens that slept and puked on a streets, and the whole thing was just gross. If you girlfriendis around 30 she is grown up enough to make good judgements. Whether she travels or not without you it doesn't matter if there is trust. I am married, I have a grown daughter, and despite me being in my 40s I am in good shape and guy are always were attracted to me. My husband knows it but still I travel even sometimes by myself for years now. I travel with him too, but it's a totally different experience when you travel alone or with friends. I travel with one single girlfriend, and we do go out, but even she though beatifull doesn't sleep with guys during this time. This is not on her agenda, she flirts a lot but sex? No. Unless you are very young in your twenties, single, party non stop, getting drunk and go to bed with anyone.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): You don't mention her age, but lets assume you're in the same age-group. She is a strong and independent woman; and I think that trait is what attracted you to her.
She has a group of friends she is really close to, and they take a vacation only once a year; and it's for the ladies. Don't begrudge her that. Don't come steamrolling into her life, or you may hit a brick-wall.
They have established a tradition, and you'll have to trust her. The thing is, that's a two-sided coin. She has to trust you also. She can't deny you any manly activities you may want to spend away with your friends, that could have pretty girls around. Like a ski trip, or a Norwegian cruise ship to America.
It's a fantasy vacation she takes with the girls to get away and do girly stuff. Dressing up, flirting, crushing the egos of playboy jerks, and probably a lot of drunken giggling, and making fools of themselves. It's a vacation. Away from everything and everyone. It's therapy. Everyone needs it, my friend. It keeps us sane and refreshed. Our mates need to miss us sometimes, or they'll take us for granted. We'll smother each other.
Plan romantic vacations at places she doesn't share with her girlfriends. Why is that so difficult to conceive.
You only want to go to keep an eye on her, and to deny her the one escape and retreat she can call her own. She and her lady-friends have now declared that resort their official girly getaway once a year.
Start your own yearly tradition with the guys. As for the secret you told her? You should have known better. If you find it that private, keep it to yourself. You don't tell your girlfriend, and make her swear not to reveal it.
You may as well put it on a billboard by a major highway. She'll tell her girlfriends, or her closest friend! They tell each other everything; especially embarrassing private things about their boyfriends. Drunk or stone sober.
I warn women all the time, not to do that. If it's sexual or a vulnerability about their husband or boyfriend; that's the best way to have him stolen by one of her single friends. They will take empathy for your pain and vulnerabilities. They'll think she's a bitch for squealing and take your side.
The more intimacies they know about you, the more they feel they know you on a personal-level. They start to like you. You're already broken-in boyfriend material, they see you all the time, and they feel like they've seen you naked.
So ladies, when he tells you keep it to yourself, keep it to yourself. Your girlfriends see his secrets as peeking into his soul. Being a fly on the wall in your love-life. That's too much information.
Back to you OP. You shouldn't take on a strong independent woman, if you're the clingy type of male. They expect a lot more testosterone from a guy. You can't wear your heart on your sleeve. She will do whatever she pleases to prove a point to you, and her friends.
It's just a vacation, and you really shouldn't make a big deal of it. You're only in the first year of your relationship, and that's only the trial or probationary period within a new relationship.
As you become more established as a couple; she will tone-down some of her social activities to be more accommodating to your relationship. She doesn't have to let you dictate to her what is appropriate and what is not.
That's an area of compromise. Trust my advice on that!
Become insecure and controlling, and her friends will edge you out. This is how you win them over, and show her you've got balls. Show them how solid the relationship is between you. If she's the cheating type, a vacation isn't necessary to find men to mess around with.
I've been on holiday without my partner, whom I enjoyed a very long relationship with.
I sometimes took all-expense-paid vacations with friends or family. Just for the sake of allowing my partner some room to breath. Let him have the house all to himself. I pretended I didn't care what he did while I was away.
I did care. I just didn't show it. Testosterone wouldn't let me.
It also gave me a chance to reconnect with the special people I missed; and whom I needed to share and celebrate with. Vacations are the best way to do that. With him, and without him. He often sent me money to shop for him when I was away. We kept in-touch. We didn't have Skype, back then. Just cell phones,e-mail, and IM's. He was a lot wilder that I am; so it took will-power to sit-back and
allow my partner his free time on a lone-vacation; or a trip alone with a buddy.
Be it a trip to the mountains with a group of my buddies; or a cabin in Vermont with a co-worker and his wife. We never had a problem. He did the same. We sometimes couldn't synchronize vacations; because he may have been on a pending legal case. I sometimes went a couple of years without taking a holiday! Just days off, here and there.
I only bitched when he flew cross-country in a private jet with a client. He didn't bother to call and say he was going. The guy was supposed to be "straight;" but he was rich and very very good-looking. That was not a vacation! It was a spur of the moment invitation to dinner! He didn't have to fly to a five-star restaurant all the way across the United States! On another coast! With someone I was never formally introduced to. Oh, now something like that? You have a right to get very pissed-off about! That's pushing the envelope. That has too much potential to be the wrong kind of party! One on one?!! Not a group of females pretending to be the cast from Sex in the City!
As a couple, we needed breathing-room from each other. Stressful jobs, long winters trapped together. Yet we always took our own special vacations together. My relationship lasted nearly 30 years! Trust was the glue that held us together. We had to do things to test how sturdy it was from time to time. Oooooohhhh! We had our moments. So I know how you feel not knowing what's going on when they're out of reach, and you can't be there too.
Just a thought. It may be "your" opinion Marbella isn't a
place to go when you're in a relationship. She's a grown woman, and there will be things that isn't your call to make.
She and her friends are the majority; and your opinion may be over-ruled.
She came home to you. Remember?
You don't wear the panties in your relationship. You have the right to set boundaries; but be sure you're fair and reasonable. Not just being a control-freak, or needy. You should only get worried; when she spends more time with her friends than with you. That is a legitimate concern; but that isn't what your post is about.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 July 2014):
 So you now you know your girlfriend isn't someone you can share deep secrets with as she does drink and will lie first then blame the drink.
You also know that she will be taking a holiday with her girlfriends every year.
You are not "glad" that is doing this trip without you. You are annoyed and don't trust her.
Assume you have her at her best, right this minute, right now. She is as good for you as she ever will be. Is that something you can live with? No? Not happy with her?
Then I would let her go.
Have you two traveled together yet? Why not plan that trip to Thailand, at least on paper, and see if things go well enough for that?
Your age shows as 30-35, how old is she?
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A
female
reader, xsugarx  +, writes (9 July 2014):
I think you may have trust issue's . When she's going on holiday with the girls it dosnt mean she's going to get with a guy. You need to let her go with the girls for her to relax and have 'me time ' if you stop her from doing so it being an annul trip you might lose her. Plan a trip separately after maybe ???? Girls tell eachother anything it's our way to confide and to get advice ..... Don't be mad at her as best friends can be like family to us. I ask my girls about pretty much everything but it's kept in our circle. Surprise her with something nice and unexpected and romantic for when she comes back to realised what she missed :0) hope I've helped F aged 25
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