A
male
age
36-40,
*illions246
writes:This is a bit of a complicated question to ask...There's a man and a woman, and they went to high-school with one another. After they both graduated, the man decides to ask this woman on a date, etc. they start dating and become a solid relationship.About 2 months into the relationship, the man notices stretch marks on his partners stomach. She realizes that he has now noticed them, and asked him if it bothered him. He replied by saying "no, it doesn't bother me at all". A few questions and conversations later, he states that he doesn't like the stretch marks, but they don't bother him at all. She takes this in a subtle way, hurting inside, but showing no emotion indicating so, due to the fact that the man stated that it didn't bother him in the slightest. About 4 months into the relationship, the man and woman take a break from one another from the continuous arguing. After a week of no contact, they come in contact once again and get back together.About 6 months into the relationship, the man starts feeling tired and stressed about the crossroads of the life ahead of him; university, work, future finances, housing, etc. The woman doesn't see it this way, and starts to feel like the man no longer finds her as attractive as when they first started dating. She then goes into her phone and contacts an old fling, and sends him a half-naked picture of herself (which was also sent to her partner) to see how her old fling would react. Her old fling enjoyed this picture and sent a reply of, "daaamn, you've gotten sexier than I remember!!!", she replies, "oh really thanks!! xoxoxo!! :)". The man (her partner) is lying in her bed as she uses the restroom. Her phone goes off with an alarm saying she's due for her pill, so the man decides to unlock her phone and shut off the alarm so he can just remind her to take it instead of listening to the annoying alarm until she returned. As he unlocked her phone, it went straight to messages, (the last thing she was on) and he noticed a text from a guy named ****, a name which he had never heard of, and she had never mentioned before. So the man goes through the messages she had shared with this man named ****, and was surprisingly shocked at what his woman had done. As she returned to the bedroom, she noticed the man holding her phone and nearly in tears. The man asked her who **** was, and she replied in anger, "What are doing on my phone! He's nobody don't worry about it!". The man drowned himself with anger, hurt, and the feeling of pure deceit. The man confronted her with the sent picture, and she replied stating that it was an accident and she instead meant to send it to him, and didn't know what to say to the man she sent it to, so she replied with a, "oh really thanks!! xoxoxo!! :)". The man was not pleased with this. She tried wrapping her arms around him and began to cry, as did the man, but it was too late and the damage was done. The man rushed out of the house in tears and anger.7 months into the relationship, the woman contacted the man once more, begging for forgiveness, stating the fact that she indeed lied to him about it, and felt like a terrible person, and only then she realized what she'd be losing. The man decides to take the woman back and "forgive" her for what she had done. Even though deep inside, the man was still hurting from the pain the woman had caused.9 months into the relationship, the man still feels like he cannot trust his girlfriend. Like she is still lying to him about something, or that he actually has to watch the way he acts around her or she'll go and do it again, or worse, go and find another man to please her. The man worries about this on a daily basis, every time he sees her she can tell by looking at him that he see's her differently now. But the man continuously lies to her and tells her that everything is ok, and that he trusts her and forgives her for the past.10 months into the relationship, the man still feels this way, and confronts his feelings and explains to his girlfriend that he still feels this way, and she is appalled at his mistrust in her. She would tell him that he's an idiot and she would never do something like that again, and he would try and try and try to believe her, but a small little voice in his head keeps telling him, "that little whore is gonna cheat, I know it!". The man hates these feelings, he doesn't want to feel this way anymore, and he wants to fully trust his girlfriend once more, and for good.After several arguments and sit-downs between the two partners, the woman begins cleaning the washroom, and says, "you should leave, cause I gotta do some cleaning and you'll just distract me. If you want you can pick me up some supper." The man doesn't know how to feel about what she had just told him. He feels like he should just go get her some supper and sit in the living room and watch television as she cleans, but he also feels like he should just go home for the night, because he feels like she doesn't want him there right now anyways, so why should he leave and then come back. The man leaves the house, and goes home for the night. The next evening comes and the man sends her a text, "I miss us so much :( I just want things to go back to the way they used to be". The woman replies, "I wish they could back to the way they used to be, but right now I need some time to think, and I think we should take a break for a while. Maybe just over the weekend and Ill text you next week." the man then replies with, "Ok, if you think that a break from me will fix whatever this is, then so be it. Hopefully if you contact me again, a new leaf will be turned over".This occurred on a Thursday, and it is now Tuesday. The man desperately awaits her text and she still hasn't texted him back. On the Saturday he texted her, "I miss you so much :(" but she had not replied. On the Tuesday morning he texted her, "Hi", but no reply. 30 minutes later he texts her again, "you can ignore me if you'd like, just want you to know I'll always drive you to work". The man would drive the woman to work almost every single day, when they were together.My question for this scenario is;1) How does the man get over the fact that his girlfriend sent a half-naked picture to an old fling?2) How can the man fix/help this situation that is currently occurring between him and the woman.3) Can this couple get back together and make it work, while being happy with one another?I apologize for this being a long question. I just wanted everyone to get the full picture and backstory of what exactly has happened, considering backstories give better idea's on how to fix certain issues at hand.Thanks for your time.
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a break, get back together, stretch marks, text, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (30 October 2013):
 It seems to me that this relationship is destined to fail over and over on many levels.
You have known each other a long time.
“I don’t’ like stretch marks but they don’t bother me” is a contradictory statement. You can’t have it both ways. Either you don’t care or you care… but you can’t NOT like them and yet say THEY DON’T bother me. so technically LIE #1 on your part.
This at 2 months out… not a good start.
TWO MONTH LATER YOU TAKE a break because you are constantly arguing. THIS is the KEY issue you need to look at. IF the arguing was SO BAD at 4 months that you needed to “take a break” then you both needed to consider that this was not the right relationship and you should part ways. TAKING a break this early on in the relationship is a huge RED FLAG. It should have been BREAKING UP then and there. Yes relationships are HARD work but not at this level.
TWO MONTHS LATER YET AGAIN (I’m sensing a pattern here.. is anyone bipolar?) you are “tired and stressed” and “she does not see it this way” So how did “tired and stressed” manifest itself? What occurred that you were not being what she needed and she disagreed?
In a solid relationship when a partner is “tired and stressed” they do not shut down on the other person, they turn to them for support and help. I am sensing that is not what happened here.
The fact that she felt the need to get ego strokes from an old flame is very telling. IF you are too tired and stressed to properly emotionally support your partner perhaps you are not able to sustain a long term relationship. Being in a positive relationship sometimes means OUR needs are the ones not being met as we help our partners along. Maybe she can’t cope with your needing support.
Then you spied on her by reading her phone messages (yes you did spy admit it) and she gave you some serious BS about sending it to him by mistake. (crock of lies on her part)
So when this fight happened you left.
At 7 months she admitted to lying, and begged to be taken back. You put forgive in quotes so I am wondering if you SAID you would forgive her but did not. So YOU LIED TO HER that it was ok and you forgave her but you had not really done so. LIES on both sides abound here.
THEN TWO MONTHS LATER (still a pattern)…. You still do not trust her… if you do not trust her why do you stay? YOU LIE to her and pretend it’s all good when it’s NOT. VERY NOT GOOD.
So finally THREE MONTHS after first telling her the lie that you forgive her and three months after continuing to lie to her that all is well, you finally come clean and tell her the truth. She’s shocked (yeah I would be too)
YOU CONSIDER her a WHORE and A CHEAT. “but a small little voice in his head keeps telling him, "that little whore is gonna cheat, I know it!". “
Why would you stay with a woman you have NO respect for?
You want to feel the way you did before but you can’t. YOU can’t undo what’s been done. IF you can’t forgive and move forward (and I don’t blame you for that) you must leave. YOU can’t love a person for their potential. YOU love and want what does not exist.
Then you try to make nice and fix it and she asks yet again for “a break” THERE is no BREAK from life… either you are alive or you are dead. Same for relationships … either you are together (and fighting) or apart.
She teases you with “maybe I’ll contact you…”
And you take it. You sent a text and she ignored you… and yet you offer to be her doormat… “I’ll always drive you to work” WHY?
WHY are you willing to settle for a woman who lies and cheats and tosses you out like old news when it suits her? WHY are you willing to demean yourself by wanting to be with a whore and a cheater (your words)???
I think it’s in the best interest of both of you to end the relationship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): First the man, that being you; has to face things as a man should. You lied about the stretchmarks not bothering you, and you know how sensitive women can be about their bodies.Things changed, because of the bad way you both handle your problems. You're not honest with each other. She needed to feel attractive; so she was dishonest, and went back to the man she knows who does find her attractive. She was totally wrong to pretend she was committed to you; while text messaging and sending pictures to another man.You have problems with trust and forgiveness. You can't be trusted to do what you say; or say what you really mean. She's tired of trying to convince you. You've been hard to deal with. Maybe she wants to leave you. You can't seem to trust her; so why should she live with the torture. Why should you torture yourself? If you can't get it out of your head. Just let her go.You value her more; when you worry about her considering leaving you for someone else. It is time to both part your ways. Things are getting worse. It's okay for kids in their teens to play mind games. Adults have to work things out in a relationship. You also have to both be honest; and stop punishing each other for past mistakes. You sound like a very temperamental person.I think you've worn your relationship out. You keep telling her how much you love her, then you keep punishing her and you don't trust her. You're too fickle for her to figure you out. One minute you're okay, the next you're acting crazy.You can't make up your mind, if things are okay; or if you are still angry about the pictures. That's your problem. Why should she have to continue putting up with it? Exactly why? Everyone gets fed up!She's fed up!Time changes relationships. They never feel the same forever. If you tell someone you forgive them; you have to mean it. She can't change the past. What's done is done.You've warn out your welcome, and you should move on.Why, because your mind is set. She is sick of trying to prove herself. Set her free. You're set in your ways, and driving her crazy. You're both incompatible. You don't know how to work things out in your head. Maybe this is just too much for you to ever handle.
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