A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi y'all,I am 22 yo, and i lived with my bf (23yo) for 5 months and then 1 month long distance cz of studies.. we loved each other and we always were together hanging out and all.. Lately, he just stopped trying as he was doing before, he used to try and give me attention, but now he told me that he doesnt feel anything when we text or talk anymore. I feel sad, cz i still love him, but we broke up and things are still up in the air not very cleared out for me.. I dont understand how would someone just stop feeling smth towards a person they loved? do u? I guess he is struggling a bit in his new town, and he's feeling lost, as he said, and it all bottled up i guess and just screwed our relationship, cz he doesnt know what he wants.. He's a good guy and he wouldn't do smth to hurt me intentionally but I'm asking u for help on how to move on, especially that i'm living alone and cant go out or talk to anyone abt this..
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female
reader, 0livia  +, writes (20 April 2020):
 Oh no no no... you need support darls! Join a church if you dont want a bar of your biological family. You need a tight knit group, like at least 2 or 3 best friends that u can call on whenever you need. These people need to be the type that will inspire u, lift you up and keep you focused.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2020): Oh, sweetheart, I know it's pretty tough when you've initiated a romance; and there's an unforeseen abrupt obstacle thrust in your path. In this case, it's distance.
I'm not your dad, but I will offer you advice that a father should.
You can't totally surrender to emotion and let your heart monopolize this situation. You must also employ your commonsense and logic to analyze the practicality of your LDR experience. It helps you get a better grasp on things; and you can pull-it together faster. It's still pretty fresh; so let your emotions flow for now. You're an adult, also try to be strong.
There are many factors that play against fledgling-romances to start with. The initial stages of getting to know each other, discovering little personality-quirks and flaws, establishing the guidelines and boundaries of being exclusive, deciding when to notify your family and friends that you're an official-couple, etc. It gets pretty demanding of you; but when you add the strain of distance between you, that makes things all the more...complicated! It's emotionally-trying and totally exhausting! To be fair, lets give him some benefit of the doubt.
Even well-established relationships undergo quite a bit of angst; and have to withstand the stress-test in an LDR. Nobody knows how much their relationship can take; until you actually undergo and experience the challenge. Your youthful-inexperience is also a factor that works against you; because there is nothing like "young-love." Young-love is quite delicate; yours being only five-months long, it hasn't bonded strongly enough. You're in the early-phase of a fresh-romance where it's new, intriguing, you're both idealistic; and have yet to discover where it's all leading. You didn't emotionally prepare for dealing with separation, and the reality of it is hitting you pretty hard. You apparently haven't created a circle of friends as a support-system; or found yourself a bestie, someone you can count-on and offer you a shoulder to cry on. Even with, you basically have to face it alone.
If you've come from a dysfunctional-family, eventually you may have to seek some counseling and therapy; or you will find yourself too emotionally-dependent on men. Subconsciously, you'll try to get all you've missed from having a family from your relationships. Demanding it all out of one guy! For some, the neediness is crippling, and burdensome. Most relationships can't survive it. If you are close to your family, and the above isn't the case; then what you said about being alone isn't true. Family fills the void left when others abandon you!
Not everyone is cut-out to endure separation by distance, and still maintain closeness in a romance. Some people can only commit as long as they are in close-proximity. Closeness is what makes a relationship a relationship.
You are both very young. Generally, we males just don't outwardly-express our emotions and relate to romantic-relationships to the dramatic-depths as females. Well, we do in soap operas! Not that we can't be intense romantically; but we aren't as moved or driven by our inner-emotions. Hence, his kind of suffering and reaction to separation is different from yours. He needs the tactile and physical-aspect of your connection to reinforce his feelings; where you can compensate mentally by intensifying your emotional-attachment, without so much "physical-connection." Women love very deeply, and allow their emotions to flow freely; we guys think we have to bottle-up our feelings to appear tough and masculine. We internalize, due to conditioning from society and our male-peers; and nature wired us differently from females. Usually, adult-males may not be able to respond as "openly" in certain emotionally-charged situations that force us to deal with our "feelings." We either distance ourselves, express anger, or hide in avoidance. Aside from love, we hate dramatic-situations that tug at our feelings and emotions.
Being apart from him makes you want to hold-on and cling tighter; but he struggles feeling he's missing-out on all the things that you had that brought you together. He is grappling with the temptations of having it all there locally for the taking; which is the practical-side of thinking, and that is the primary-way we males are wired to think. He doesn't know if he can stay faithful, he misses you like crazy, and he can't even touch you! He hasn't been with you long enough to grow that attached to you psychologically. Drama has it's emotional-affects as well. He's also dealing with adapting socially in a new environment; while trying to keep-up with his studies, manage his fiances...and then there are your needs and demands! He's just too young for all of this pressure. You are just beginning to fall deeper into your affections for him; and distance comes along and puts a strain on both of you.
You have parents don't you? If you are placing all your eggs in one basket, by relying on him and your relationship to be the center of your universe; this is a good learning-experience. You have to find as many healthy-distractions as you can. For now you must fill the void with family. Get-out and make some friends when that becomes possible.
If you're estranged from your family, that's very disadvantageous and unfortunate for a very young-woman living alone. That's why a lot of women end-up in dysfunctional and abusive-relationships. It starts with being distanced from family, and burning bridges behind them. They avoid making friends, have little to do with other females (mainly being possessive/protective/territorial of her guy). Obsessively building life around one person...him! Well, now necessity is telling you that you have to open-up, and find some friends! Reconnect with somebody in your family; and seek a hobby for distraction. You need a creative-outlet! Relationships are not meant to be your be-all and only reason for existence. Destiny pulled you apart! Maybe because you are centering your life around a guy; but you also have to grow, and advance towards womanhood with goals and plans of your own. Not just concentrate all your feelings and energies around him.
Be creative, and use your imagination. If you have to let-go, you have to let-go! It's better than holding-on and discovering he is cheating; or has found somebody else, because he got tired of trying to hold-on.
Youth is also to your advantage in this kind of situation. Youth is resilient! Oh, a little of the drama queen inside takes-over, and you have to go through the proverbial emotional roller-coaster; but being young also gives you more energy to face and recover from these obstacles! It sort-of putters-out as you get older. Experience helps you to deal with it using maturity and dignity.
Be gentle with yourself, while you grieve; but also get tough and fight your way back to normalcy. He's not your everything. If you think he was, life and reality is forcing you to seek and find more for yourself. It's forcing you to grow-up!
I know you'll be okay. I know, because I had my first-love yanked away from me by cancer; and then long after that, someone dumped me. I've recovered, and I've found true-love again! I am a living-testimony that you survive these things; even though you're hurting now. It's good to go with your feelings; so you can purge the grief and the feelings of loss. Then be stubborn; and decide you will live-on and be happy, with or without him! That's what I did, and it worked.
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