A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’m in my early thirties but I’ve never had a partner/boyfriend. I’ve been online dating for several years but all the men I meet just want no strings sex. They claim they are looking for a relationship but after a few weeks of dating we have sex and then after that they say they think I am attractive but they don’t see themselves in a relationship with me. I’m not crazy or an unpleasant person as I have quite a few very close friends whom I’ve known for many years and they all say I’m interesting and a nice person. But after all these years I feel totally worthless and like there is something inherently wrong with me as all men I have dated seem to think I am only good for one thing and it never turns int something real. It’s like being treated like a prostitute and I’ve had enough now. I feel even more lonely now as my mum who I’m very close to is dying of cancer and my brother who I was very close to has had a drug and alcohol addiction which has driven a huge wedge between us. All my other family live in another country. I’m at an age where all my friends have settled down and are in long term relationships and I feel like a failure because no one wants to be with me. I would just like someone to tell me I’m not crazy and not dismiss me by saying I have an idealised view of being in a relationship just because I would like to meet a man who doesn’t just want sex and wants to spend time with me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2020): Before I say anything else; let me offer you my sincerest empathy and compassion for your mother's fight with cancer. I pray the good Lord brings you both peace and comfort.
We are designed by nature to want to be in communion or relationship with other people. As humans, we are wired to want to seek a mate; in order to form a serious and exclusive-commitment, and to reproduce. It's a powerful instinct; but of-course, we have those extraordinary human-beings who defy all the laws of nature, if you hear them tell it! Yes, there are those who may differ by opinion on this topic; or they may tell themselves they don't need anybody, but the very fact they have to say it out-loud makes you wonder. It usually means they have been severely hurt many times by people, they're just plain hateful, or the right-person hasn't yet come along to change their minds. You are NORMAL! You are in the majority!
You may have some discrepancies in your personality when it comes to how you relate to men. I would say at the moment, due to your mother's illness, and pain from alienation with your brother; you are under stress, and therefore extremely vulnerable. You have sought the comfort of a man, and you may be allowing intimacy to take place too soon. You may also see every connection with a potential suitor as the prelude to a relationship. You shouldn't look too far ahead in the future; when you haven't properly evaluated the present. Stop judging men by what they say in their profiles, or the hype in their online self-assessments; and judge them by their actions. Listen to what they say (face to face) about themselves. Determine if the good things they claim are true; and if it contradicts everything you see in them. Don't delude yourself by building-up high-expectations without the evidence to support them. Don't let bitterness make you prejudge a man based on what the last jerk did to you. Everyone deserves to be evaluated on their own merits and faults. Rejection doesn't turn you into an ugly pathetic troll or undesirable beast. It frees you to seek something better than your last failed-attempt. Take a pause, reboot, shake off the pride-attack; and then move forward. Pride-attacks aren't as serious as heart-attacks; but they're just as painful. Much easier to recover from. Trust me on that, I've had my share.
We start every possible love-connection with optimism and a sense of hope. You still have to be level-headed, reserve/check your feelings, and view everything from a realistic perspective. Good-conversation and a guy's willingness to see you doesn't indicate he wants to have a long-term relationship; and you also have to teach yourself to understand that a guy can like you a lot, but not wish to have a relationship. Sometimes because he doesn't feel his personality is compatible with yours; and sometimes he also knows he's not good enough for you. That works both-ways, don't always assume the fault.
If sex is readily available, most guys will take it. If you show signs of clinginess and desperation; some will take advantage of it. If you try too hard to please men; you'll be highly susceptible to players. You may have very little understanding about the ways men think; or like too many women, have such a cynical opinion of men you don't believe there's a good-one to be found anywhere. Skepticism void of wisdom, or having a factual-basis; often leads to closed-mindedness, ignorance, and undue prejudice. That affects how we interact with people; and can encumber our ability to develop trust. It also weakens our self-control, and allows our mindless-hearts to be "impulsive." Your heart (emotions) should always work hand-in-hand with your commonsense. If you are guided strictly by emotion; you'll make tons of mistakes, and people will think you're dumb. They're right! The heart and brain need each-other to properly function. Neither can survive without the other. Use them together when searching for love!
Many women come to DC with an almost self-destructive pessimism. They make the mistake of comparing their lives to the lives of other women they know; and evaluating their self-worth based on the validation received from men. They unfairly measure their own success in comparison to what other women have achieved. Jealousy overtakes them; then all they've achieved becomes worthless.
You are you, you have your own unique qualities, your blessings come when it's your turn; and envy of others is an insult to God. It dries-up your flow of blessings! It means you reject and devalue the blessings you have received; because you have not gotten what you think you should have in the time-frame you think you should. My dear, if you were ready, maybe you wouldn't have had so many failures in a row. No...it's not all you, or all your fault! It's the timing, the cause and effect of destiny; and your choices. Go back and review what was consistent in your own behavior that showed-up each and every-time. Don't worry about the men, they're history! You start from scratch with each one you meet.
You don't have to believe-in what I'm about to say. I'm not attempting to convince you either. The rain falls on the good and the bad; and God loves believers and nonbelievers. God assigns angels who are always around you. Protecting you by plucking-away the wrong-men, before anything has a chance to take-root; or repelling deceptive-fellows who may cause you more serious harm than you could ever imagine. Desperation and neediness blinds us. Desire and greed amplifies our sense of entitlement. Those losers and players leave by self-elimination; because something tells them they'd better get the hell out of here! You may also have some vulnerabilities and flaws that may need work; because they won't allow a good relationship to stick. Hey girlfriend, been there and done that! I ain't talking out my butt here! Some of it is you, and some of it ain't!!!
You still need to be kind and patient with yourself. We all have flaws, and finding a proper and reliable mate takes some of us longer than it takes those we see around us. It will happen when it's your turn. When you learn to be thankful, and stop being resentful of God for the fate of your mother and brother. It is a test in life, we sometimes endure unique and very painful situations that change and empower us. We don't see it in the process; we see it once we're on the other side of it. When we've earned our mettle, and built the muscle to survive trials and tribulations. Life takes a turn for the better. It's not your season, sweetheart. Deal with your grief for your mother. Pray and meditate for your brother. Forgive God for the misfortune you think He unfairly placed on you. The darkness in us makes us blame God, and compels us to hate life for our unhappiness.
For As long as you live you will face difficulties, but seasons change. God's mercy flows. Someone is making his way towards you; so you can't give-up hope. You pray! Seek spiritual-counseling from your faith-leadership, if you worship. Most of all, be patient! Look at your faults, only for the purpose of correcting them; don't use them to condemn or to put yourself down!!! That's the mistake we make! We curse ourselves by bad-mouthing and beating ourselves down! FIX IT, IF IT'S FIXABLE! Try working on your known faults and weaknesses; and know, and have faith, that you will find true-love. Just because you didn't find it today or yesterday; doesn't mean it won't show-up tomorrow or next week! You can't see the future; but you still have to prepare for it.
My prayers go up for you, your brother, and your mum! You will get through this, and you will find the man of your dreams. That time may be delayed, but it is only a matter of time. God loves you too much to deny you what you want and need. I had to learn this too; so I pass it on to others. Feel free to use it, or reject it. I hope it helps somebody!
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (18 April 2020):
 Hi OP,
I really sorry to hear about your mum, my thoughts and prayers go out to you.
I know its hard because you have been meeting the wrong guys, guys that just want you for one thing. I can say that there are good guys out there, i know it does not feel like it now, but i can assure you there are.
Maybe give the internet dating thing a break and just concentrate on working on yourself. I know we are stuck in isolation at the moment and are limited in what we can do anyway.
Under normal circumstances i would advise getting your self in to a good feeling place, and believe you are worthy of meeting someone nice. A good majority of the time we find the one, our soulmate when we are not even looking for them. Take some time out of looking, work on your self, and i guarantee the one you are looking for will turn up who gives you the love and respect that you so rightly deserve.
I wish you all the best of luck
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A
female
reader, EmmyApple  +, writes (17 April 2020):
You are having sex too soon. Make them work for it. You say you’ve never had a boyfriend, yet you’ve had sex with multiple men. That’s backwards. Make him prove his commitment and become your long-term boyfriend FIRST before you have sex. It could take months, even years. Most men will give up and leave. That’s GOOD because they weren’t worth your time anyway. You are looking for quality, not quantity. The right man will stick around. All men want sex. But the right man will want a relationship with you, even more than he wants sex, because he is falling in love with you. The right man will prove his commitment to you time and time again BEFORE you have sex so you don’t need to worry about him leaving after you do. Don’t give in to sex until you get to that place. It could take years. It’s worth it,
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (16 April 2020):
 Hi OP,
Sorry to hear about your mom...prayers go out to you.
All of your issues can put a big strain on your heart, but do not lose courage now. Yes it would be nice to have a guy through all this. A shoulder to lean on so to speak.
However, you are going about this all wrong. First off...All men want sex...And most men want it for free. Or as you say "No strings sex". Some how most young men's minds believe the more women the better. Takes us years to learn the truth...which is...the more love you give to a woman, the more sex you can have, with the SAME woman. You cannot change a man, but you can teach him how to behave.
First...No sex until YOU get what you want. Forget the strings...Let your sex come with a big heavy chain. Human nature is such...If we can get something for free, then why would we commit to pay?
Question is...Do you have value? Are you worth more than a good time in bed? If the answer is yes....then why are you giving it away for free??
Yes it has been a long time alone, but it is not too late to start doing things the right way.
No more pleasing a man to make him want you. They must please you to get want they want.
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