A
female
age
36-40,
*oonserenade
writes:Hello Dears,I'm not necessarily new here, as I have been anonymously answering and asking questions for about a month now. But anyway... I have a problem - well not my problem but it's a friend's problem and I have taken it on as my problem because she talks about it a lot to me. Thus is has become my problem and a bit of a mission for me.My friend, let's call her A, has been heartbroken for 7 months now over her first real boyfriend, we'll call him B (she says her love, but I don't believe she was really in love with him. Probably more like obsessed). I'll start from the beginning.He's 21 and she's 20. They were together, unofficially for about a year. Before they were dating, they would fool around (making out and fingering and stuff because she was still a virgin then). He had recently broken up with his ex because he found out she cheated on him. So B, right away, did not want to start anything he knew he couldn't handle (props to him for getting that out in the open), and A knew that because that's what he told her. Now, being the young and inexperienced girl she is, she kept attempting to pursue him (I blame all those unrealistic Asian Dramas out there). They would hag out, go to parties and eventually he had asked her to officially be his girlfriend. She was in her freshman year of college when this happened. Things were great, fine and dandy. B wasn't in college. He worked FT at a shoe store in the mall. A was a freshman in college and worked PT at a pharmacy near home. Among their peers, there were a few who would "jokingly" tease B about not being good enough for A. But A would always reassure him that they were wrong and she didn't care what they thought because she wanted to be with him. B, being the man he is, was probably emasculated by those comments no matter what people said. Because B, to me, is just that type of guy.In November of last year, B told A he loved her. And soon after that, he broke up with her because he told her he wanted to see other people and that he loved her but was not in love with her. A has been hung up on him ever since, thinking there might be a chance some day in the future that they will get back together. In the beginning of the break up, I said sure maybe you guys will end up back together some time but if not, don't be disappointed because he said he wanted a break. And usually when people say that, they don't want to get back together.Now? I tell her to suck it up and move on. It's been over half a year now. I have told her nicely in the past to move on and that she should enjoy life because she's still young. There are bigger catches in the sea. I even tried setting her up with one of my boyfriend's friends but she does not want to even hang out with him or us together as a group thing. I have even come to the point in telling her that I think she's not in love with B, but obsessed with him. She's told me she sometimes drives by his house when she knows he's not working or something, to check if he is home or not. She's even mentioned doing that with me in the car with her. As the loving friend that I am, I told her that if she's still mentioning him like this by the end of the year, I'm checking her into the loony bin lol.I have tried being nice. I have tried being honest. But she just won't budge. I know this is her first boyfriend, and she thinks it's her first true love and possibly only love, but I think I'm about done with hearing about B.Maybe I'm just heartless but I was not hung over my ex for almost a year. I went on a year of abstinence, mostly because I was working all the time and had no free me time and that I was not interested in anyone or getting back together with my ex. I didn't even miss him. I know everyone is different and only time heals, but this has gone on too long to let time heal her heart. I think it's about time an intervention was staged lol. I'm concerned for her and I need advice on how to get her to move on, or even be willing to hang out with some other guys if she's not comfortable with dating anyone yet.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010): It might be wise to set up some boundaries with her. I know you're trying to be a good friend by listening/caring, but all this is doing is enabling her to continue talking about this guy. Stop the conversation when she starts to talk about him. Plan a girl's night out with your friends, take an exercise class with her, basically try to get her to go out and focus on other things. It may take some more time because this is her first real relationship and they are the hardest to get over. But also realize that it's okay to distance yourself a bit for your own sanity. You need to think about you first. You're a great friend for caring about her, but there is only so much you can do for a person. Take care!
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female
reader, Moonserenade +, writes (22 June 2010):
Moonserenade is verified as being by the original poster of the question 6 months, going on 7 months is quite a long time don't you think? Friends can definitely try and help their friends move on. I'm not trying to force her to. I'm trying to give her a little push in the right direction/advice. I'm trying to help her move on, or at least hang out with a few guys/guy friends. It doesn't have to be some sort of date. There is nothing wrong with introducing her to new guys to be friends with and just have casual conversation with.
When someone has been hung up on someone else for so long, and obsesses about them, don't you think that person would need a little help?
I do give her my point of view, she listens, but still goes and fools around with him in the hopes of rekindling their flame which has long been put out. Now they're both at fault here, since he's letting her do this to herself, but he has stated, again, that he doesn't want a boyfriend&girlfriend relationship with her. So she's basically getting her own hopes up now and still texting him every day. He's sending her mixed signals. I'm just trying to guide her to the light, and trying to help her realize the real situation here.
Point blank, she's not going to get over him or move on if she keeps talking to him, texting him, go to church with him, or sleep with him. FWB is always a bad thing. Especially when it involves an ex. I can't take away her phone, because she probably knows his number by heart lol. And I'm not going to go to those measures anyway.
Okay, so the more think about it, the more it seems like she doesn't WANT to move on. But in order for her to lead a happy life, she should. And I've told her plenty of times that she's a young beautiful and smart girl. There will be some guy out there for her who will deserve her and treat her right and who will make her feel twice as loved as B ever did. Like I said, she listens but she's holding herself back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010): The single biggest thing you can do for her is make sure she DOES NOT talk to him, go to his house or sit around looking at old things from the relationship. I have been through my share of bad breakups, including one which had me in a state of total and utter disarray for months afterward.I would constantly talk to her and look at old forget-me-nots from the relationship. This made things worse. A few months back I went through another bad breakup, which I'm still reeling from a bit. But this time I severed all contact with her and it has made things easier. I have decided I don't want a relationship and so I have dated a few people casually and spent lots of time doing fun things with my friends.Now in the case of your friend she is probably not ready to date yet and if she does there's always the risk of her falling for the first guy she goes out with as a way to replace what she lost. You need to explain to try and get her to understand that she is only 20 and the first time you fall in love feels like something that won't ever happen again, but it will. At some point she'll find a guy who she will fall in love with and will treat her with the same amount of affection and caring as she gives to him.Try to get her to realize that when you try to force a situation to work out it usually doesn't and that these kind of things work out when you stop trying. If something is meant to be then it will happen without her needing to force the situation. She shouldn't let this ruin her life, and if she keeps obsessing it has that potential. I went into a fit of severe depression over my first serious gf and now looking back I realize that she wasn't worth me feeling that way.I hope your friend pulls out of this but the single biggest bit of advice apart from what I've said already is, keep her busy with other things. If you're preoccupied with school/work/hanging out with friends/other activities then she can't be obsessing over him. Hope you have some success with the situation
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (22 June 2010):
 If this is really a question about your friend, then I have to say that you can't help someone move on. You move on when you make a decision to. You might provide the person with a point of view, but you can't make them move on.
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