A
female
age
51-59,
*kiergirl
writes:Need help healing - my question is mainly - how can I get through this "breakup"? Background follows:I just ended a casual relationship with a guy that I have had a friendship/flirtship with for over a year. We work at the same company. For the past year he has known of my interest and from day one has said that he likes me but he could never get it together to ask me out. Always citing different reasons - working togehter, etc.... After I had pretty much written him off, he came around and we have been seeing each other for the past two months.It is evident to me he doesn't want a relationship - he told me that. Yet he loves being with me, is very attracted to me and we both think the sex is great. We truly do have a great time together and have become good friends over the past year or so.He's been divorced from an unhappy 15 year marriage for a few years, has two daughters (he got his college girlfriend pregnant and they got married because of it) and he says he doesn't want to ever get married again or have more kids. He says he wants "companionship". Yet, his version of companionship is limiting communication to texting and emailing, not planning dates, it's all extremely casual but not considerate of me or my time. Then he said he doesn't want to "steal my time" because he knows that I want to get married and have children (with someone) some day. (I am 38) So I ended it a few days ago because it's obvious he doesn't want a relationship with me. I need/want to be with someone that does want to "take up my time" and wants his "time taken up". It shouldn't be "stolen time" it should be memorable time.But what is hard for me is - even though he didn't treat me well, I had so much fun with him when we would get together. And I was always hoping he would come around. And now that it's over, I have this void in me. I realize though that with him - I had other, more negative, voids. So - back to the question - it's mainly - how can I get through this patch? And - I hate to admit it but it seems to me that I just wasn't the right one for him - and it's so painful thinking that - he will be happier and a good boyfriend with someone else and he didn't think I was worthy of it. I'd like to think that he's broken and he won't be a good boyfriend or have a relationship with anyone - but - I feel like if I believe that - in a few months he'll be serious with someone and I'll be devastated.Need help healing from this - any suggestions and insights are welcome.
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female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (26 January 2008):
 Glad to hear it. I guess its like giving up smoking. After a while, the craving goes away and someone can put one in front of you and you dont get that urge anymore!Blimey that was ages ago you posted that question. I hadnt long split from someone then, had a couple of months apart from each other then got back together, but split again last sunday hehe. All fine though, still on talking terms, no hostility. geez, last august so much has happened since!Well good luck finding that mr right. Looks like we are both on the same road!C xxxx
A
female
reader, skiergirl +, writes (26 January 2008):
skiergirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello - thanks for your advice! It was difficult, but I am finally over him. I've reached the point where I don't feel an attraction to him when I see and speak with him. He definitely wasn't the guy for me. I learned a lot from the experience and I think I am much wiser and better at dealing with red flags when I enter a new relationship.
Before, I'd see a red flag and think that the chemistry between the two of us could change the red flag. I now know that, most likely, this will not happen. All chemistry does is fuel good sex! But as for making an actual relationship work, the basics need to be there. If they aren't I am learning to evacuate the situation.
Change is really difficult. I hope that I get to the other side - a healthy, loving, reciprocated relationship with a great guy. However, not there yet - only time will tell!
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (25 August 2007):
Hi
He probably is a bit broken because of his forced marriage all those years ago & no matter who he is with, he wont commit to them.
By the sounds of it in my opinion you have done the right thing but that doesnt mean you just dust yourself off & walk away does it, if only life were that simple it would be great!
You know you deserve more. You know you WANT more, so hang on in there. Read a book called Starting again if you can. Its a Relate book, and you can get it off eBay, i bought it.
At the moment there is a void, but there will be, it will take a couple of months to fill that void. But you will do.
He knows deep down he cant offer you what you want. And i personally dont think, even after only reading this, that he isnt in a position to offer anyone commitment right now, and he may well meet someone else but they will probably have exactly the same sort of relationship you had with him. And the cycle contines for him.
Good luck.
C xxxx
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