A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need help. I seriously dislike when my boyfriend goes to bars or clubs without me. It's not logical, per se. For example, tonight I went for two drinks with a friend I hadn't seen in 3 years. But that was 7pm and I'm home at 11pm. I also told him I was going. I get home and text him and only after I directly ask what he's doing - he says he's at a bar having a drink with a guy friend. It's 11:30pm on a Tuesday. This friend is single and bad news. I did text back that I was thinking about stopping by that bar (a lot of our mutual friends hang out there). He said "sure no problem"Now I'm jealous. I don't like it that he's out so late without me or didn't tell me ahead of time. What can I do to make myself feel better: more secure?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the last female poster : yes! I agree with You. That is how I feel. I go to bars at 7pm, on occasions , to catch up with a girlfriend (same as a dinner but cheaper). I'll have two drinks. Guys will try to approach but we are usually deep in conversation. He will go out at 11 (mostly with this guy who is bad news) and stay out til 4 and drink a lot. Of course, I know he talks to girls. (many of whom know he's with me because he goes to places where we are both known -small community ) for that reason I don't think he is cheating but there HAS to be flirting going on. The bad news friend even text a mutual girl friend of ours that same night to see if she wanted to meet up for a drink!! So, the friend is texting girls and my BF says he's doing nothing. I have already talked with my boyfriend about this - I told him its not "relationship building " to do this once or twice a week. He told me to stop trying to change him. then last night, he just went out without letting me know and when I asked why , he got angry and defensive and said I was a "ball and chain" and that he's not "married" to me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2013): But you go out to bars also, it's not like you never do that.
My opinion on bars: bars are drinking places where mostly single people attend. I am not saying ONLY single people, there are plenty of couples and people in a relationship go to , but mostly it's a place for single people, who like to look around and may be pick up someone for the night or have a date. There is a lot of flirting goes on, whether you can admit or not. Guys go out in hope to pick up somebody, girls in hope they are going to meet a cute guy.
I am married, and if I go out ( few times a year) its ussualy for a girls night out for someone's birthday. And I get hit on all the time by drunk men. So am sure when you go out, it happens to you also. My solution to this would be to not go out to bars separately, period. I am sure you wouldn't have problems with him going to GYM after work without you.
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A
female
reader, 2759ear  +, writes (7 November 2013):
It seems there are trust issues involved here, can be frustrating and time consuming. Allow each other space to go out as long as there are boundaries known not to cross. I don't believe in cheating partners. My partner goes out every Friday night with work male friends and it's been challenging but I've chose to also involve myself in doing something nice for myself on that night. He won't change his routine even though it sometimes upsets me, but I manage my time and know that I can enjoy my life without wanting too much from him, makes life bearable. I don't have to tell him everything I do, I value my space and privacy too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTwo weeks ago - he had asked me to "keep him updated" as to what I was doing. I honored his request. That's what makes this worse. I did just bring it up and asked calmly "why didn't you mention you were going out when I told you I was?". He got defensive and said "I'm not married to you - I don't have to".
A few days ago - he also fessed up to "fighting " having a really good relationship with me.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 November 2013):
 I think you need to sit him down one day and tell him, I'm not having a problem with you going out with friends, but I would like that you would give me a heads up, JUST like I do with you.
It can be that easy.
Also for your relationship to work for BOTH of you he NEEDS to be allowed to do things with his friends without your supervision. That is where trust comes in, just like you do things without him. You aren't joined at the hip.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2013): Men are like that, they don't feel the need to tell you every step they make.
My husband sometimes comes home from work, knowing that he will be out that night, and tells me when I ask him a minute before he leaves. And then he says, I, I didn't tell you, I thought you knew.
He also goes out with a friend sometimes who is single and dates really young girls, but he is home every night, late sometimes, I don't worry.
If he wants to cheat you, he will, nothing you can do. But I would tell him how you feel.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (6 November 2013):
"This friend is single and bad news." Are you dating the friend? So why do you need to worry about him? Do you trust your boyfriend? If so, then you should be able to not worry that something bad is going to happen when he's not around you.
Also, if he does cheat, don't take it personally. It just means the two of you aren't compatible. And that's okay because there are 3.5 billion other guys.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 November 2013):
 There could be more to the story. You two have different communication styles. Not everyone feels the need to report events in their lives. Feelings are not logical and it doesn't mean they are wrong. His friend is single and bad news, meaning that he is a bad influence on him and might get him to cheating. You should tell your boyfriend you feel better that he told you beforehand and not when you have to ask him. There are also boundaries that has to be established early on in the relationship. I bet even if he told you he's going out late, you still won't like it. Even when he tells you where and when he's going it still doesn't stop him from cheating because when a person wants to cheat he will find a way. Security comes from you, but also part from the person you are with and the strength of the relationship.
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