A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone.. its been months since my last post here. I had my 2 weeks old son now after long labor and he is perfect.Im the one who posted about trouble with my husband and mother in law. Things are not getting better. Im still living in my in laws house and my husband is still immature even after being a dad. Yes he loves his son. But i feel he still not getting the feeling of responsibility to take care of our little family. Like he thinks its my job to take care of the baby and he doesnt help much. He is currently jobless i might say. He has his own business but he still have many spare times where he spend at home doing nothing beside playing games and smoking. He ignores his appearance and doesnt groom himself. He had gambling problems before and he is in debt that he cant afford to pay. As he is immature and irresponsible, he hopes his parent will help him pay his debt. His parent refuse. He also tried to borrow money from me when i dont know about his gambling problem. He said its for his buisness capital. He was being sweet and caring to catch my heart (usually he reject intimacy and use my pregnancy as alibi). But i feel something strange and i refuse to lend him. Finally i know he is in debt because of gambling. He also used prostitutes when we dating back then that i just know when im pregnant. He has double life before and rejecting intimacy is the sure sign. But in the beginning of our marriage we are so in love like never before. But since his mom is kinda jealous with us she badmouth me and try to make my husband against me. She win. I think what make him to behave like this is he is so self centered and irresponsible thinking. He will do and say anything that profit him. Oftentimes he exaggerate things that i feel so ridiculous. Like when he describe something. He always say this one is the best, the most expensive, the worse, the biggest etc. Always with "the". I dont know why he behave like this. I cant understand him. I think he doesnt love me anymore he once told his parent in the peak of arguement that he wants us just to be friends. Thats when im 7 months pregnant. He said he doesnt love me anymore and he wants us to be friends and raised our son together. If i can meet a new better guy out there i could be with him and he will help me to arrange things. But weeks after he said he loves me and he understand how under pressure i am in his house. But since i dont lend him any money his behavior is back to normal. He is verbally abusive and self centered. He asked me to shut up whenever i asked him anything he cant answer. Like when he will get a job. Or what is his plan as we now are a new parent. He told me to shut up and dont nag. He cant think clearly. Lately, he is obssesed with online games and he made appointment with his friend to play. He used his mobile data to connect to computer when the server is down. Which would spend much of his quota. He played that game day and night.The better side of him now is he is more alert to our son needs. He will buy everything i asked him to buy related to our needs. Maybe his dad help him financially. I dont know how to deal with this as i have my newborn. I need mental support which he cant give to me. I know he doeent love me anymore. But i will try to stay for the sake of my son. I have plan to be independent on my own. I will pamper myself and get new haircut and colour. I will get new carreer. I want to have better and happier social life. All after my post partum. Maybe when my baby is 3 months old. I have many plans for me and my son. Somehow i feel if i help my husband he is just taken me for granted. He knows how wealthy my family is and thats why he turns to me when he needs money. How to get his respect back? Show him that i dont need him? Upgrade my appearance? Have better social life outside? He used to love and care deeply about me. I wish we can back to our old times. Any idea really appreciated..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2018): You just don't listen just constant adding to the story of how miserable he makes you. Have your many friends not told you what to do because you are not taking any advice you are given on here by complete strangers!Just leave him, you are not 'alone with your son. If you leave him that is the only way he 'may' think about changing. But you have been with him TEN years so if all you find to do is to moan about him I don't see why you want to be with him!!He can be a father and maybe a better one if you split up, he clearly DOES NOT make you happy, what more do you want us to say, use your own common sense here!!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (24 October 2018):
 You cannot FORCE your husband to be anything or do anything. It has to come from him.
Could I suggest that, rather than concentrating on trying to change your husband and get him to see the error of his ways (it appears you are planning on leaving to try to "teach him a lesson"), you concentrate on what is best for you and your son?
You need to think this through as it could backfire on you big time. Don't walk out on your marriage under the misguided expectation that your husband will suddenly realize what he has lost and come running back, promising to change. From what you have written, that sounds highly unlikely.
I think you need to start thinking about a long term future without your husband in the picture. Can you support yourself and your son? Can you get child care while you return to work? Will you have somewhere to live.
It is possible you HAVE made a mistake in choosing this man to be your husband. People make mistakes but that does not mean you have to live with them or they have to ruin your life. Decide whether this marriage can be saved. If not, split up, get divorced and move on. Your priority should be you and your child, not your husband.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2018): Today is my birthday and he forget it. All my friends has wishing me good things and only he doesnt say a thing. He is too busy entertaining himself. Playing online games all the time and went out to play basketball. Leaving me with our newborn son. When i asked him do remember what day is it when he is playing game, he checked his phone and said happy birthday. Then i asked hin to stop playing that game. It makes him ignoring all what happening in the real life and he is not living in real life. He said what do you want now? With his temprament and ready to have arguement. I left him alone. My heart hurt so bad.Im planning to leave him after the next 2 weeks because as the tradition a newborn and his mom should stay at home for a month. While staying at his house im now planning what should i do after this. I will leave him and bring my son back to my home. I will pursue a carreer and give a beautiful life for my son. Lets see if he changes or no. I still hope my son can grow up normally with complete parent. Many of my friends told me they think he isnt ready for commitment and not ready to be married and become a parent yet. So i will try to be independent without him and hopefully he can change better in the future after seeing my changes. Is there any suggestion on how to make him to be commited and realised what he lose? I cant imagine how life as a single mom for my son. And would he change someday. Now i really hate him. Ive made fatal mistake to choose him as a husband and now im living my miserable life. I dont want my son to have a mom who is depressed all the time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2018): Congrats on the baby. Get a divorce. Sadly, our advice will not change. Unfortunately, it seems you won't either and will remain in a miserable situation because you ignore our advice.We are here to help, but there's little point if you won't listen to the advice. I appreciate that it's difficult, but you and your baby deserve better. Stop staying in a depressing marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2018): Wiseowl said it all and he is right, you have been given advice again and again and again, read back to your previous questions, the time that we took to try and help you with advice relates to the present and same problems you have with him now.
I read half your post and it is the exact same complaints, READ THE ADVICE ON PREVIOUS POSTS!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2018): You write very long and sincere posts about your marriage; but pay no attention to the advice you receive. You say you want support; but this is a group of people you will never meet.
We are more than happy to console and comfort you; but it's really up to you to do something about the situation you are in. We're happy to read your posts, and offer you our sympathy; but our advice will not change. DIVORCE HIM!
If you won't listen to us; your marital-problems will continue and maybe get worse. You admit he doesn't love you. So now what? There is no way to force someone to love you. If you try and try and nothing changes; what will it take to make you see you may be wasting your time? Maybe God is sending you the message that he's the wrong man for you! No matter what you do, he doesn't change.
You have a very bad marriage, and you complain a lot. You complain and complain; and then you complain some more. What advice have you actually taken from this site and put into practice?
Stop blaming your mother-in-law. You made a bad choice for a husband. He's a grown-man, and can do whatever he pleases. She has no evil spell over him. He does what he wants. It's likely he married you thinking your family's money would give him a good life. It didn't happen, so he's done being married to you. He told you he wants to be friends. That means he wouldn't mind divorcing you; or he wants a open-marriage, to see other women.
You say your husband doesn't love you, and solicits prostitutes. So why are you still with him?
Have you gone to your doctor to be given a full battery of tests for STD's? You must determine if you're infected with HIV, genital herpes (HSV-2), or some other silent venereal disease. Some infections show no symptoms for years. You can pass on STD's through your breast-milk to your baby; if he's still visiting prostitutes, or sleeping with random women, and infects you!
You should go home to your parents, and get a job.
If you ask for advice, will you even listen to it? Or, just keep writing until someone tells you what you want to hear?
Don't write just to seek sympathy; then run back to the source of all your pain and suffering, thinking you're going to change him.
You say you have wealthy parents; perhaps he married you for your family's money. Perhaps he faked-it in the very beginning; just like he fakes being nice to you, when he wants to ask you for money to payoff his gambling debts.
You seem to have a hard-head. You complain but you don't really listen. Your situation will only change when you get out of it altogether. You married the wrong man. You're trying to stay with him; and looking for magic-words from a group of strangers you've never met, thinking you'll figure-out a way to change him. He said he'd like to be friends; and raise the child together. Get a divorce, and take him up on that offer. It seems that's your only option.
You'll ignore me, but I'll plant the seed of wisdom. Maybe time will fertilize it; and from it, some common-sense may grow. Hard-headed people don't listen; until they see they're standing-still, up to their necks in their misery and unhappiness. When they've waited too long, and their lives are ruined. That's when they'll usually decide to listen; and use the wisdom and good advice they receive, and finally use their common-sense. You can't change him; but you can change yourself and your situation.
Congratulations on your new baby!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 October 2018):
 Your thoughts about upgrading your life are in the right track. He refuses to grow up and is living like a parasite. It is he who is losing respect here, not you. A person with an addiction problem can not think outside of himself. He is not in a position to judge you as a woman. People like him have to hit bottom after losing everything, like his family before he wants to do something about his life. You are asking for emotional support from the person least likely to give it to you. You have more power in yourself than you think. You can give yourself emotional support. You have a bright future ahead of yourself since you are luckier than most, having two rich families helping you. He used to love you because there was no financial pressure when dating. Having a son really opens your eyes as to what kind of man you are married to. Never ask how to get x and x from someone because this is coming from a place of weakness, a place of lack. Always reassure yourself that whatever you are seeking is already in you so you can give it to others too. Also when you are waiting for your husband to grow up you are placing your time, your hope into the unknown. You have power to change the future. You can't change your husband and control what he does but if in the future you feel enough is enough, you can divorce him when you are able to be financially independent.
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