A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I had a really nice boyfriend but about 5 months into the relationship things started to screw up. We got in servral major fights over a period of months (about 3-4)all of which I was at fault for but other than that things continued on as normal. I figured he had long gotten over the fights we had in the past, but one day we got into another fight and he broke up with me. I had alot of questions about what went wrong because at first he said he never loved me,and he told me he used to feel a need for the realtionship because of low self esteem, but then he said he did love me once it just went away. He didn't metion any of our previous fights until weeks after we had split, so I asked how long this had been going on and he gave me diffrent answers first he said sevral months but then he said a few weeks. Then I asked if we would ever get back togeather in the furture and he said "yeah I think theres a good chance" but then I told him sevral weeks later and he tells me "yeah I said that cuz you know? Anything is possible,....but appreantly I have to watch what I say around you" I remmebr asking if he missed me at all and he said yes. But I wanted to know was it as a friend or as a girlfriend and he said both. I can pretty much assume and accept responcibility that our breakup was majoraly my fault. And honestly I feel really guilty because recently he told me he had questions and doubts in the realtionship that he kept to himself. and at the same time I feel like I've never really got a strqaightfoward answer to the questions I had myself.I wanna figure out what triggered these fights we had and what led to such poor communication between us ect ect...But I try asking about it causually or lightly to talk about it figuring that we should be able to talk as adults. Only every time I do or even try to approach the subject he gets steaming mad at me even if I just ask him a simple questionI don't understand why understanding the menaing to all of this and how these events transpired is so important. Is it noraml to want closure like this??And what should I do in dealing with the guilt is that noraml as well??, Alex
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female
reader, romany  +, writes (19 June 2010):
 Your still in contact and demanding answers and he is trying to give you them, but getting confuffled coz he knows you've got a memory like an elephant and he is......well....a man and trying to not to give you the opportunity to analyse everything he says, and get into a confrontation.
Let him be, he obviously cared, otherwise he'd have told you to go away in no uncertain terms by now, and not answered your questions, he will never sort out what is in his head with you at him like this, as your trying to make him think like a woman, and its fact that men think completely different.
The guilt is something you will get over, i'm sure you've apologised, if you haven't, then give him a call, tell him your sorry, that you know you have some issues, and your gonna get them sorted, (then see someone who can help with the issues, whether it be hormonal or mental) tell him you regret what happen, and will for a long time, and your also sorry for not respecting his decision to end the relationship, then say goodbye, and then leave him be.
That way you leave the door open to contact him when you are back at full strength, if you still feel this way about him.
I've always been the same as you, i've always needed closure, always over analysed everything, taken the blame for any relationship breakdowns, and felt guilty, and honestly honey, i've never felt closure when i've still been in touch with the ex's, and yes, apparently its very normal.
It will get better, but you need to find the self respect and esteem that you've lost with all the pleading, crying and self criticism that you've been doing.
I really do feel for you, You can and will get over this, good luck. x
A
female
reader, sammy93  +, writes (19 June 2010):
This guy sounds messed up, I am sorry to say. I have the exact samke problem with my ex, and we are currently on a "break" which he proposed and keeps changing his mind about. So, he is making you feel guilty? Hmm.. Try and think of what you could have possibly done wrong objectively. If you honestly feel it was your fault, I guess that's fine you accepted it, but then move on...life keeps happening and is constantly changing. People stuff up- it's part of life.
But otherwise- he seems to be very manipulative by not giving you straight answers and making you feel so confused and guilty is actually a brainwashing technique used (my counsellor told me this when I explained what my ex did to me every second day for about a week whenever I confronted him about things he did and turned it on me).
Also, the fact that he cannot give you straight answers suggests he is either seriously confused (he probably is) and/or again, manipulative.
He sounds like an idiot. Forget about him.
Really, before feeling guilty, think about exactly what happened and "went wrong" when you are in a relaxed state of mind.
P.S. wanting closure is completely normal to want closure. Don't we all want to be free?
I hope it works out for you.
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